update / but good use some nice thoughts on separation

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibolady, Nov 11, 2002.

  1. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    thoughts thrown my way. last week started the separation from my husband of 23 years (if you've followed some of my posts, the fms was the midigating factor, how sad) and also is taking my 14 year old daughter with him. this will be the last week she will be living with me. they are moving not far away but it will still be an adjustment to be in the house alone. my son is at college but will come home "to mom" for holidays.

    i cry eveyday but guess i have to cry until i cry it out. my fibo is mid-range, i usually do pretty good with "major events" then crash after it is all over. i read were this is typical, something about our adrenaline, flight/fight response.

    last week was tough, this week will be the toughest (moving my daughters things and furniture out) i hope i can set a good example for her, but feel let down by everyone all the same.

    of course, this rainy weather sure doesn't help. i hope to catch up with everyone and the newbies and be back to offering some type of support for others in a few weeks.

    warm regards, fibolady


    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2002]
  2. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    thoughts thrown my way. last week started the separation from my husband of 23 years (if you've followed some of my posts, the fms was the midigating factor, how sad) and also is taking my 14 year old daughter with him. this will be the last week she will be living with me. they are moving not far away but it will still be an adjustment to be in the house alone. my son is at college but will come home "to mom" for holidays.

    i cry eveyday but guess i have to cry until i cry it out. my fibo is mid-range, i usually do pretty good with "major events" then crash after it is all over. i read were this is typical, something about our adrenaline, flight/fight response.

    last week was tough, this week will be the toughest (moving my daughters things and furniture out) i hope i can set a good example for her, but feel let down by everyone all the same.

    of course, this rainy weather sure doesn't help. i hope to catch up with everyone and the newbies and be back to offering some type of support for others in a few weeks.

    warm regards, fibolady


    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2002]
  3. sofy

    sofy New Member

    This happened to a friend of mine. She had been divorced for several years and when the kids all got to hi school they had a meeting and told her they wanted to live with dad and new wife. She was a basket case. The woman had a phd, good job and no history of bad parenting. Who knows why these things happen. She went to see a councelor and finally came to this conclusion:
    I cant make my kids want to live with me but I can still be their mother. They are just a few miles away and are in a good family enviroment, safe and well cared for. She tried real hard to focus on that positive. She did not try to be the fun, overcompensating buy me everything mom but decided it would be to the detriment of her childrens well being to heap them with guilt of their decision. She now enjoys a wonderful relationship with all 3 kids. Is involved in all their activities and they frequently have sleep overs, usually one at a time so the time spent is quality and good.
    As hard as it is try not to think about the fact she is sleeping in another bed and focus on how to make the very most of the time you share so that going to see mom is something she looks foreword to and not an experience of feeling like she let you down. No one ever said being a parent was easy.
    I hope that having the day to day responsibility of her care lifted from your shoulders will give you more energy to help yourself and have energy enough for really good quality time with her. Give her the biggest hug you can manage, tell her you love her and look foreword to nurturing this new relationship between the two of you. Ask her help in making plans for time together.
    I wish you the strength and vision to guide you thru this new passage. I know this probably sounds preachy but chalk it up to lack of writing skills. I only mean to tell you that I know someone who had this happen to her and it worked out well for her and her kids, but it wasn't easy. I pray for the same outcome for you and your daughter. Love is an action word.
  4. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Separation and divorce are one of the hardest things we ever go through. We go through the same grieving process as we do from our losses due to our illnesses. I pray that God will speed your healing.

    I know it's hard to see it now, but there is life after divorce. I was scared to death when my ex and I divorced after 26 years of marriage, having been separated the last three. I've been on my own 17 years now and have built a nice life for myself. For me, being alone is a golden opportunity to do everything on my own terms. It is also an opportunity to work on myself spiritually.

    I've dated a lot, but there's no one in my life right now and that is just fine. I will most likely never remarry, but I have been thinking about a singles group. When you are feeling a little better, consider it. Most affiliated with churches are not meat markets, but rather single people who enjoy doing things together as a group.

    Bless you and your family.

    Love, Mikie
  5. LindaGa

    LindaGa New Member

    Ive been married 36 years and I know that losing your mate must be hard,but take this time to rediscover yourself ive read post on here and you sound like a strong lady to me.Most kids for some reason want to stay with dad my sister-in-law went throgh this,all her kids 3 of them went with him because dad lets them do more but once dad started dating home they came to he>Mikie my son 28 runs a single group at our church he loves it and its all clean fun he asked to start it because he doesnt drink and do drugs and doesnt dig the bar scene for meeting people.Take Care and prayers coming your way LindaGa
  6. jpswife_4boys

    jpswife_4boys New Member

    Soft hugs to you!!! I can truely relate to your circumstance. I have 2 boys who live with their dad during the school year. I get them in the summer. My oldest son decided live with me one year but he couldn't adjust to public school. He was accustomed to a private christian school. So he went back to live with his dad. (They live 650 miles away) It's always hard when they leave me during the summer but when he went back to his dad's house I felt like my heart had been torn in two. At the begining of the summer it feels like a child waiting on Santa, by the end of the summer the pain starts all over again. (not just for me but for all my kids, the ones who live with their dad and the ones with me) I never feel whole when my boys are not with me, so I can empathize with you. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk with you can e-mail me at jpswife4boys@yahoo.com. I just hate all that you are going through esp with this dd. Soft hugs!!!!

    Crissie
  7. totteacher

    totteacher New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are having troubles. The only separation I have had to deal with is my children going off to college. That was bad enough. You have my sympathy. I hope you will take care of yourself and know that many here will hold you up in their thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs to you)))).

    totteacher
  8. missboo

    missboo New Member

    I divorced 4 years ago after 14 years. My daughter was writing her essay for a college application the other night. Her essay was all about how my divorce had actually benefitted her! She felt her parents were less angry all the time, easier to get along with, and her relationship with her family had grown closer because of it.

    It's not easy by any means, but always be there for your daughter, and always be who you are. She will respect you for that. With time and her maturity, it will get better!

    good luck!
    missboo
  9. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    I am so sorry you are going thru this, all I can say is you have all of us to lean on.

    Life is not easy and we all know that lesson very well.

    I guess we don't always understand what we go thru in life, we just have to trust it is all for a reason, hard to see I know.

    Keep coming here and sharing with us, I think there is great healing in that.

    Jaci
  10. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I think you have gotten alot of good advice. Take the time to grieve. Pamper yourself, and get as much rest as you can, to try to calm the stress. I look back on tragedies in my own life, and have truly grown because of them. Years later I can look back and see paths that would not have been traveled, if it not had been for them. They are so hard at the time, though. Please know we are all here for you, you are in our thoughts and prayers.
    Karen
  11. witsend

    witsend New Member

    I can't begin to match the words of wisdom already offered here butoffer my sympathy and prayers during this difficult time. And how amazing of you to think about getting back to offering others support during this most difficult time. Girls of 14 are an emotional and impulsive lot. Keep your arms and heart open.
  12. sofy

    sofy New Member

    Karen 200 makes a good point about change. At 58 I have made many changes in my life. Some I ran to eagerly and other I went kicking and screaming (divorce) to all the way. In the end they were all positive and I would not undo any of them, especially the divorce. I positively flourished once I gave myself the chance and I like me. Mind you I wallowed for a year until I decided to get dressed and attack the world alone and fearless. Feel free to wallow but if I had to do it over again I would try to make it a little shorter. It werent much fun. Attacking was much more gratifing.
    I cant help myself about your daughter and conveying my hopes and fears. Kids of divorce go thru a hard time and I have seen some wonderful people do some awful things without realizing it so please take my ramblin on from that point of view. Your daughter has been put in a position of way to much power for a 14 yr old. Someone said she would run back to you the first time Daddy said no. Please guard against any such thing. Believe me I know how tempting it would be to open the door and let her in but don't let her do it to get her way. If she doesn't like his rules I hope the three of you can have a family meeting and discuss the problem and solution. Punishing your ex and doing the right thing for your daughters inner growth and strength cannot be connected and yet so often they are. When you are in the middle of that emotional stew it is not easy to seperate and see the difference. I pray you have the patience to ask yourself the hard questions and are granted the wisdonm to find the right answer.
    PS: Example: knew a perfectly nice couple, got divorded, she got son, Mom wouldn't let son have a parrot--too expensive. Dad said if you come live with me you can have a parrot. He was 14 too. The poor boy caved to get his way. I lost track of them but could not help but wonder about the life lesson the boy learned from that. It certainly wasn't something positive for his personal growth and yet the Father encouraged it in order to punish the mother. My teeth are clenching just thinking about it.
  13. JP

    JP New Member

    Wow, life does throw us some curve balls. Twenty-three years is a long time. I hope that you are able to see the silver lining at some point in the near future. I wish I had something profound to share and I just want you to know that there is ample support and caring loving souls to help you through this time of upheaval.

    Keep reaching out...jan
  14. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    Such a tough thing to go through, when often it is all we can do to muster the resources to fight this DD. I have a 13-year-old daughter, so I empathize so much with you, I know you'll miss her but I'm glad for you that she'll be close by. You've gotten lots of good words of advice from others here, I don't know that I can add anything, just that I'm thinking of you---you can always find a supportive ear here.

    Take care & I'm sending hugs,
    Pam
  15. ssMarilyn

    ssMarilyn New Member

    the HARDEST thing you will ever go through. However, we all have to realize that things have changed, and it's NOT always the mother that gets the children anymore. The fathers deserve to be treated equally as well. Normally, unless the child is old enough to make their own decision, the judge decides which parent will provide the better home. (unless the couple comes into a mutual agreement on their own.) Just because dad gets the kids doesn't mean mom isn't doing a good job. The laws have to treat everyone equally, and it does hurt. So many here have been through similar circumstances. I know it seems like your world is coming to an end, and I could tell you that you'll get over it until I'm blue in the face, but you have to realize that yourself.

    Take care,
    Marilyn
  16. pepper

    pepper New Member

    This will be a tough time for you (been there) but, believe it or not, it gets easier with time. Lots on the board have given you good advice. I hope you do things for yourself - expecially pamper yourself big time. You deserve it after all you have been through.

    I'm sending you (((BIG HUGS))). Keep us posted on how you are doing. Pepper
  17. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    is very painful indeed, but you will survive this. I couldn't have said it better than Karen2002 has. You wrote "I cry eveyday but guess i have to cry until i cry it out", and you are right; I was separated in 1992 and divorced in 1994 from my first husband. When he first left, and actually in the weeks right before he left, I woke up in the mornings and immediately started crying. I would cry at various times all day long. I almost felt like all the crying was helping to rid me of some of the hurt I was feeling. I believe it will do you more good to cry and let that emotion and stress out, than it will to try and pretend it doesn't hurt and keep it all inside. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this on top of being sick. Many of the posts above have given you some excellent advice. You need time to heal emotionally and when you feel like there is more on you than you can bear, come here and vent. Be good to yourself and take things one day at a time. {{{{hugs}}}}
  18. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    married in 1973. I was 17 and he was 19 and we were expecting a baby. We were married 18 years and he couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't the cheerleader he married. I was sick with an "unknown illness" and was chronically in pain. He could take no more and in 1990 we separated. I moved out. The kids went with me, but one of my sons began to act out and test me, so I sent him to his Dad because his father could make him behave. This was the best thing for him and my son and I are very close. My other kids stayed with me most of the time, but I knew they needed their father, so I encouraged them to spend equal time with him, if possible. This is not to say I wasn't jealous~~ I was! I was extrememly sick at the time; it was in January and I am always sicker in the fall and winter. It was a horrendous experience and I was severely depressed. It was so hard on the kids and even today, if you asked them, they'd say they would LOVE for us to be married. Even though both of us are happily remarried, the children (who are adults) would prefer that we be together unhappily. They are still close to each of us, but their father has mega-bucks and they can profit by spending time with him. Such is life, I fear. I crash and experience my worst episodes AFTER a crisis. When my father died in 1996, I was in bed for months. When my husband nearly died from an MRSA infection after surgery, I saw him through his recovery and then I nearly died myself.
    I promise you that you'll have the support here that you need and I have found that there are many others who share my experiences.
    I'll be here for you and I'll pray for serenity in your life.
    Love,
    Kady
  19. Pat UK

    Pat UK New Member

    that you have these awful problems, I am thinking of you and how you are going to adapt your life now. This illnes takes everything, and more from some individuals. I am truly sorry.
    Pat.
  20. LisaMay

    LisaMay New Member

    with us! I'm sorry that things are going array in your life. My mother always said "God doesn't give us more than we can handle". I'm not always so sure of that, but when I reflect back on certain situations, I find that this is true. I can't even begin to know how you are feeling. I am glad that you have rejoined us here and I will offer you all that I can.

    May inner peace find you, Lisa