Update on hearing... Yoohoo ggiggi

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Cyndi40, May 12, 2006.

  1. Cyndi40

    Cyndi40 New Member

    Well, the hearing happened yesterday morning. I was so exhausted when I got in yesterday afternoon that I didn't much feel like doing anything, and had to go out this morning to get some labwork done before I go out of town to the heart specialist on Monday to get more tests done for this new little heart problem I have going on now *sigh*. Anyway.... just a little update for Ggiggi and others who have been encouraging and praying for me...

    As you said in a post to me Ggiggi, I too, walked out feeling relieved and a huge burden lifted just knowing it was over... regardless of the outcome, that part was done. I was told by two of the attorneys in that firm that this judge was very tough and then someone who knew him well told me as well. So I went in expecting the worst. I prayed that God would soften his heart basically. I'm not sure if that's what happened or if God put blinders on my eyes and my sensitivity as it wasn't quite as bad as I expected it to be. He did make some remarks and cracks that I felt were very unnecessary... and a couple of those cracks made me feel like he was basically questioning if I was being truthful. One being about the doctor that they sent me to for an exam and his report showing that I could use my arms and legs. But nothing conclusive to my pain. Well, shoot... how can anyone know what pain I feel but me? Also, my blood pressure being up or heart rate being high can indicate pain, as my doctor has told me on many occasions. There have been things that I've mulled over and over in my mind between last night and today that I really and truly wish I had thought to say to him and didn't, but I can't fix it now. There is so much more to it than this, but I really am so tired. I haven't rested all that well the past few nights and I think I'm going to take my weary body to the bed for awhile now that I'm back in from the hospital.

    I'll say this though, he didn't make any decision yesterday since I am going for another test on my heart Monday morning. He's now seemingly making this about my heart, when it's been about the fibro and cfs for two and a half years. The heart thing just happened within the last couple of months. My lawyer has been given an extension of 30 days to get any further medical records from the heart specialists. I just get the idea that he's not going to find favor for me because he doesn't seem to be one of those judges who believes in fibromyalgia... and although my lawyer told me she felt he was very tough and even "mean" at times, that she felt I did a good job and that I was credible, that everything was recorded and on record and my doctor has kept wonderful records, that we can appeal. I honestly don't think I can deal with another two years of this. I just feel sick about it all right now, as you can probably tell... I don't know, maybe I'm worrying about something I shouldn't. Your continued prayers are so greatly appreciated as your previous ones are. I know God can change this judge's heart and give him compassion, it's just hard to wait like this and go over and over his negative words in my mind... anyway, God bless and hope you all are having pain-free days!
    Love and hugs,
    Cyndi
  2. Cyndi40

    Cyndi40 New Member

    Thanks for all you said here... the thing that has me worried and is going on over and over and over in my mind is that for the past 2 and 1/2 years I've been diagnosed with the FM/ CFS and depression and anxiety/panic disorder and now that this new heart problem arose, only within the past couple of months, that the judge seems to be basing his decision on the heart problems (and I found out that the heart specialist apparently sent him some records stating that there is a problem with my heart, but he didn't feel that it's bad enough to do surgery yet, which is a good thing for me as I don't want them cutting on my heart without needing to, but I also don't like the fact that he seems to be basing his decision on what happens with this test on Monday). Hopefully I'm overreacting and worrying about nothing. I need to stop thinking I guess and put my trust in God... it's just so hard when you know what you've been through for nearly three solid years, constant pain all over your body, not being able to do hardly anything, making you a prisoner in your own home, a nervous wreck to go out in public, crying yourself to sleep, wishing to God you COULD EVEN fall asleep at times, praying that HE would even take me at times, not being able to eat but gaining weight ,throwing up meds, meds that work this week but don't work next week... have one day with hardly any pain and getting excited that it's all over and getting the pain back x 200 the next day... (and by the way, the judge mentioned to me that this heart specialist had mentioned to me that I needed to get an exercise routine and a better diet GRRRRR!!! The heart specialist was telling me this for the heart problem, the heart specialist is not educated about FM/CFS or the depression and anxiety disorder and he doesn't realize apparently that I'm a bit overweight because of my inactivity due to being in pain 24/7 and having to take meds that keep me from being active... GIVE ME A BREAK!!:( When the judge made that crack I wanted to say, "you don't look so great yourself your honor!"... the heart thing might be a result of all of this mess, but it's not the reason I filed for disability and it should not be the deciding factor, and unfortunately I did not think at the time to say that the heart problem just came about and that I didn't file for that reason!) I could go on and on, but I'm sure you all get my point here. I'm sorry for belly aching, I know you all have to go through this personal battle, and some are probably way worse than I... but to think that this one man can make a decision for my life, one that I've waited for so long, and a simple NO could either make or break me. I'm sick of wondering what I will do if it doesn't pass. I know I should just be thinking of all the times that God has taken care of me and I need to get on my knees and ask God to forgive me for this crazy worry... I hate that people abuse this system so that people like us who really and truly need it have to go through this. I know people who are on it, who have been receiving it for literally years, who get out and travel and go places I'll never go, who ever WORK!! And they haven't been investigated, no one has turned them in, and they have had to lie :( I know I don't answer for them in the end, but I just don't get why a person who has a real illness can't get help :( I need to go get an attitude adjustment. Forgive me for unloading here...
    [This Message was Edited on 05/13/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/13/2006]
  3. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    as it takes. Its just like the disease and now your heart. We have no choice but to do what we can to survive each day (and night). My prayers are with you. Stay strong. Even if the judge doesnt find in your favor, it will all work out in the end.

    Remember, we love you and support you

    Suzette