Well, my life is moving ahead. It seems that a strong male in my life (divorce lawyer) really knocks the wind out of my soon to be ex's sails. He really is a coward underneath it all. For the past two weeks I really had to come to terms with all that I allowed myself to give up for the man I chose to marry. I have to keep taking responsibility for that. I was told by my close friend to never place the blame on him for my choices. The things that were always in my control. It's been a blessing to understand why that's important. It keeps me honest. I'm very thankful I had the kind people here to unload years worth of abuse onto through cyberchat. I cannot tell you how helpful you all were. I was like a small child lost at DisneyWorld the day all this began. You were all acting as helpful tour guides. Thankyou so much. My soon to be ex is now in Contrite mode... looking for me to "quit now and let me come back."... because he "gets it now".... Ugh. How my stomach rolls at this becasue I see how HE SEES ME!!!! I've allowed myself to be someone who WOULD do this (file for divorce) to get him to clean up his act... At least, I never did that before, but he belives he can figure me out. I'm very ashamed of who I became. That was my fault. I have this ongoing dilema now about fibro. Do I have it or don't I? I don't know the answer to that. I have had very little pain, unless I become too stressed out. Then it can creep up the back of my neck arms and shoulders like a fireball. Sheer agony, burning me up. Is it stress? Is it fibro? The doctor insists it's fibro. My soon to be ex has done none of his "big man" threats I believed him capable of. To those who were worried about me, I think the only time I was actually in danger was when no one knew what was going on. Once I told the lawyer, and others in town and took off my ring, I became untouchable. He isn't even raising his voice to me. He is so cowed right now. I'm not buying it at all. I know he wants me back only so that he can control me again. He gets an adreniline rush from torturing me. I have confided in all of my close girlfriends all of the unspeakable until now abuse I have suffered. My friends are astounded. I'm so relieved to be expressing it all. I feel so honest. I feel with the truth out, I will never return to him. How could I? If I'd continued hiding the truth, I would have gone back... but acutally, I never would have left.