God, does this ever get any better? It seems like i'm just going downhill, even if i'm struggling to go up. I see my friends, the people at my school, and they get sick. They get mono and pneumonia and the flu...but then they're better. And it's times like those that i really WISH this was just a stage. That I would wake up one morning and say "hey, I think the FM broke." And then I realize that no, that's never going to happen. And even if I AM better sometimes at controlling my symptoms than when I first got them a year ago, FM is always going to be the shadow around the corner waiting until I walk down the wrong street before it knocks me over again. And my friend, she's worn herself out so much with stress that somethings wrong with her now, she's tired all the time and her doctors don't know what it is. And she complains to me every day saying "you know, I'm so sick of being tired all the time, I just want to get diagnosed so I can get rid of it." And she complains and complains about how SICK of feeling sick that she is, and I feel like such a horrible friend. Because I know what it's like to wish you could get off the couch and MOVE, but you can't because you know the minute you step outside and start walking you're about to collapse. I know what it's like to be tired all the time, and I feel horrible because I listen to her, but I can't say anything. Because if I say anything, I'll say something horrible, like about how she never understood my illness, and how frustrated and angry I am that she complains about it to me, because I KNOW what it's like to be sick and I'M sick of it. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and want to go to school, I want to be able to make it up three flights of stairs without nearly collapsing by the second. I want to be able to complain that I'm tired, and know that tomorrow, in a few days, next week, I'll be okay again. But I don't have that luxury. And I'm tired of people not understanding and I'm sick of them just telling me that they're sorry when they don't even know what they're apologizing for. I'm just plain tired of being sick. And it gets pointed out to me every single day. I want to be able to LIVE without worrying that I won't be able to accomplish what I want only because I'm being held back by my own body. I want this to be a phase...but it's just not. I feel like such a horrible person for thinking any of this.