Ventilation Needed!!!!!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kadywill, Dec 25, 2002.

  1. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    Please, no constructive criticism today, OK? I am so upset and I just *have* to vent a little with no worries that I'll be chastised for it!
    My ex-father-in-law died last weekend and I loved him dearly. I sent a floral arrangement and kept my granddaughters so that my daughter could be with her grandmother and her father during this time. I chose not to attend the services for many reasons, but I thought it'd be more comfortable for the family if I didn't go and I certainly felt more comfortable not being around my ex and his wife. However, I was surprised at how much this bothered me~~these rituals are important for our acceptance of the loss and I did love this man as a father from the time that I was 14 years old, so his death was hard for me to deal with.
    THEN, my husband came home Thursday saying that he was quitting his job after being there for almost ten years! This is not like him and I was stunned. He was passed over for a promotion he was the most likely candidate for and he was angry/hurt/rejected, etc. While I agreed with him that he should feel this way, I took issue with his plans to quit his job. He didn't think he could face his emplorer without being hostile and abusive to her and he didn't want to make the situation worse, so he just didn't plan to go back. Well, as I said, this isn't like him and I felt my world crumbling~~all my insecurities relating to having grown up in an orphanage came to surface and I was in survival mode. I was a royal b*%@* to him and I just shut down emotionally. I wasn't at all supportive to him when he needed my support. You see, I've only been out of work for 6 weeks now and I am receiving STD payments every two weeks, but they are not a lot of money and we had already decided there would be no gifts this year for anyone. This was a hard thing to deal with and for him to *voluntarily* give up a good job over being upset he didn't get a promotion just seemed ludicrous to me, so I just acted horribly toward him! I wrote him a long letter today to apologize for my behavior because I was horrible all day Christmas. We were alone. I had already told my kids to not bother to drive all the way to our home, because they'd driven all week to their father's/grandparent's homes while their grandfather was dying and for the three different services after he died and I thought their grandmother and father *needed* them this Christmas. (Deep down I thought that their was no need to come here because we couldn't afford to buy presents and this embarrassed me.) Anyway, I just wanted Christmas to be over. I had a good feeling about Christmas, even in our recent poverty, until he had this job trouble and when this happened, well, it was just the final straw! Well, he called several people who could advise him about what to do to *transfer* instead of *quit* and he *may* be able to transfer to the new store that'll be opening in a month or so in this town!!! I pray this will be available!! This could be the answer as he'd been driving a half hour each way to and from work and this relocation would mean a five minute drive instead. It would be less pay, I am sure, but that's do-able.
    If truth be told, I was also smothered with him being home with me on Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues and Wed.! Each time I would say I was going to run some errands, he would want to go with me and I just *needed* to have some alone-time. THEN, he said that he was thinking we should sell *my* car......well, that just about destroyed me! My old car is paid for and in good shape and he drives a truck we're still making payments on. NO!! This won't happen. I *have* to have a way to *get out* when I need to. Is this the orphan in me or do you guys feel this way? If I couldn't get out of here and had to wait for him to come home to borrow *his* truck, I'd just hate that! I should feel priviledged to have *a* vehicle, much less *two* I know. I do. But, I do not want to be without *my* own car, do you understand? I don't have a lot and this is *mine*. Is this the ophanage thing again?
    We only have two monthly payments other than utilities and car insurance; these are the house payment and the truck payment. We are going to try to refinance the house payment- it's way too high.
    I just this minute got an e-mail from my husband. He says he's taking a two week LOA from work and wants us to pack and leave for the coast today. We have a little place to rent cheaply there and we don't need much $$ at all to stay there and just clear our minds. Can you believe this?? I haven't a clue as to how we'll live (we do NOT use credit cards) but he wouldn't have done this unless he were at his wits' end, so I am going to log off here and respond to his e-mail. Pray for us. We need it.
    With love,
    Kady
  2. AnnG

    AnnG New Member

    Kady,

    Your reactions and responses to all that is going on in your world right now were very normal, I assure you. You also showed great compassion for others' feelings while you yourself were suffering. Your husband is blessed to have you while he goes thru this terrible time and I think he knows it! I hope you have a restful trip and come back with new energy to face whatever lays ahead. I will indeed pray for you.

    Ann
  3. joannie1

    joannie1 New Member

    I am soo sorry to hear about all this misfortune for you in the past week. It always seems to be harder to deal with around the holidays especially. I feel so bad for you and am sending a big hug to you. I am quite sure that the loss of your ex-father -in-law was hard enough let alone the job issue with your Husband. I have to say it was very respectful and big hearted of you to send flowers to show you care. I wish that things weren't the way they were between you and your X so you could have gone for your children and yourself too.
    I hope you don't mind my honesty here but i think in a sense your Hubby is being a little selfish about the job situation. My Husband has been turned down at least three times now for a promotion and was terribly upset and very hurt but he knows that his income is extrememly important for our family to live. He has gone back to work each time NOT wanting to mind you but he has stuck it out and grinned and beared it as they say. And i think until you all can get better on your feet again I hope he does too. I know the flusteration you feel about everything.It always seems to happen all at once Kaddy and we all wonder how in the world can we manage to get through it.
    As for your car, there is NO WAY I would ever allow my Husband to take my vehicle and sell it. That is your only escape. And if he were to do that to you Kaddy it would only break you down even more then you are now. You have worked your toosh off and you can not help the fact that you can't work now. So, don't allow him to take it out on you and take the things from you that you need for your own sanity and for your own independence. If the payments are to high on his truck explain your car is paid for and maybe HE needs to trade in his truck for a more economical vehicle with less of a payment.
    Right now I think you are feeling a lot of guilt Kaddy for not being able to work, not being able to afford Christmas for your family, the death of your x father in law has you very sad and your Hubby's job has you very upset. You need time to yourself to just deal with it all Kaddy and don't let your Husband make rash decisions without thinking about the future for you two.
    I wish there was some magical words I could say to get some of these emotions you are are feeling to go away. Just know I will pray for better days for you, and i hope everything works out okay for you.
    With Love and a big hug!!
    Joannie
  4. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    and said that he has asked for a two week (nonpaid) LOA from work. Then he asked if my doc would sign a form saying that he (my husband) was my temporary health care provider....I don't like this. He is using MY health as the reason he NEEDS to be away from work for two weeks. Now, I understand that he needs to clear his head; I really do. BUT, this feels just too weird to me. I don't need a health care provider and I don't know that my doc would fall for this. I don't want to alienate my doctor and my husband's job depends on this, I'm thinking. I just don't have a good feeling about this. He's coming home in a few minutes. I guess I should be happy that I got this morning alone, becuase it looks like I won't have a moment's privacy for at least two weeks!
    We aren't going to the coast. Our rental will be closed till the 28th. It's just as well. We don't have the money for this. I just don't think he's thinking too clearly right now. Life is just too hard for me right now and this kind of thing is just too unsettling for me.
    PLEASE pray for us. I don't like the way this is going.
    With love,
    Kady
  5. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    Your response to all of this sounds completely normal and rational. Sometimes I think men's egos are so completely tied to their jobs and ability to support their families that when they get passed over for a promotion they feel like their whole being has been denied.

    Hang in there for him, as best as you can. I know my doc wouldn't write such a letter for me and I think I would tell him what you said here, that you value your relationship with your doc, just as you value your relationship with him (hubby) and would not feel comfortable putting him in such a situation, having to write a letter saying your hubby needs to be out to be your caregiver, when in fact you both know that is not true.

    Be as supportive to him as you can, but hang onto your car. How would you get to you appointments without it? Since it is paid for all you would be saving would be your insurance, which I would think is much smaller than his truck payment.

    It sounds like you and he need to do some good hard thinking about options open to you to get through these difficult times. He may feel guilty because he is unable to support your both on his income alone. In this day and age that is more and more difficult. It sounds like you are already making the best financial decisions possible, not using credit cards, and keep your bills to an absolute minimum.

    Hang in there. This too shall pass. May God be with you as you make these decisions.

    Barbara
  6. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    keeping his job and he took a two-week LOA from work with his boss' approval to take care of me! I don't think I need this, but he said that my depression and anxiety have gotten much worse and he thinks we should go away for awhile to our favorite place. He and my friends have *always* noticed my symptoms before I have and I am gonna trust him on this one because I *have* had more than enough stress in the last month to cause a flare of *everything*, you know? So, we called my doctor, who agreed and said that it wasn't at all dishonest for my husband to take an unpaid LOA to help *us* feel better, so we're leaving for the coast Sunday. He made me feel much better about this when he said that he thought I DID need some time since we didn't take a vacation this year due to MY job and I needed one now. We don't have to pay for the place we stay in, as we are friends with the owner and we take food and everything we do do is free. This is an island and on off-months, which we prefer, all we really do is walk on the isolated beach and sit and look at the lighthouse and listen to the gulls. This has always been my favorite place to "forget" all of life's troubles and my husband knows this. A few years ago I had a physical/emotional breakdown and this place was where we ended up. All my husband knew was that we had to just leave here, my job and my misery, so we just drove and got on the ferry and checked out this island. When we got there, we just KNEW it was where we needed to be. We've tried to go there every 3-4 months since, but we haven't been in quite awhile and I think this is just what we need. Since his job is secure and I AM receiving my STD regularly now, we *should* go and I feel better about it. I thank God for answering prayers.
    I wrote my kids an e-mail and told them that we would have a belated Christmas in a month or so and the gifts would be inexpensive ones. Christmas just came at a bad time for us this year. I plan to have a better one next year, starting with buying an artificial tree that already has lights 'cause this is where my problems began this year.....the lights wouldn't work and it just went downhill ever since!
    I feel much better, but I know this stress from the last week is gonna show up in many ways for the next week, so lying out by the water in a comfortable recliner listening to the waves and looking at the ocean will make it all easier.
    Thank you for letting me vent this way. I'll be better. I wish I could take some of my *fibro-friends* with me...you've been such a godsend to me and I love you!
    Always,
    Kady
    [This Message was Edited on 12/26/2002]
  7. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    I read your original post when I was at work this afternoon and had planned to reply to you when I had more time, at home. Now I see that your situation has improved greatly since your first post. I'm happy for you. I hope you have a totally relaxing, renewing time with your hubby at the coast. Be sure to let us know when you're back. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    Karen
  8. darlamk

    darlamk New Member

    Hi Kady, Best wishes for your little vacation. I think it sounds great for you to get away with your hubby. Teach6 had some wonderful insights to share and they fit in well with so many of our spouses! After all "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" right? I hope you have a restful, healing and peaceful time. Take some good books and catch lots of Z's! May our Lord watch over you and guide you......
    Darla
  9. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    Sounds like some time away will help both of you, and then you'll have the chance to both reflect on everything that's happened & what the next steps should be....I wish you all the best. You have a wonderfully supportive doctor, too, which must make you feel relieved. Also--when you return, for heaven's sake, please, please take the steps to refinance! With money tight, you will find a huge difference in your house payment now with rates lower than most ever thought they'd be...it's worth the trouble & bureaucratic paper-shuffling to do this!

    Take care & "relax & reflect"!

    Supportive hugs,
    Pam
  10. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    My heart goes out to you, I guess all you can do is let this play out........I find in times like this that the only way I can get thru these tough things is to say "Lord, it is in your hands" and then I have to FORCE myself to shut my mouth & not try to control it.

    Is your hubby maybe having a 40's mid life thing??? It does all sound a little scary the way he is behaving. It would be scary to me too. Enjoy the beach and hopefully it will turn out to be a great thing in the end, just the break you both needed.

    Jaci
  11. epicurean

    epicurean New Member

    Sounds like you both really,really need this little getaway!!Hope it a great time for you both,enjoy your R & R.
  12. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    the trip was so nice!!! My pain was horrible from the LONG ride, but I just took more pain med, napped each day and enjoyed everything! I also found out that I just can't take *too much romance* anymore without paying for it for days afterward!!! Suffice it to say, I am just so very sore, but *this* kind of pain, I can live with!!!
    We enjoyed each other's company, ate in restaurants twice a day, went to all of the 20-50% off sales at all the little shops and just used my 401K $$$ for the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I probably spent $150.00 on gifts and T-shirts, shorts and a few little pretty things for the house, but that's a big deal for me 'cause I am not a big shopper! This was probably the most frivolous thing I've ever done!!! I thought that if I was spending *my* 401k money for the little getaway anyway, I was gonna buy myself a few little things to make up for *not one little Christmas GIFT*!!! Everything was so much cheaper. I LOVE long-sleeved t-shirts with Ocracoke logos on then, so I bought myself a couple of them, my hubby a couple and some shorts, my son one and I bought my daughter two BEAUTIFUL summer dresses that fit her little hippie-lifestyle and slender body beautifully. (I tried one on and it wouldn't even *start* to cover my ta-ta's!!) I bought my granddaughters shirts and I bought my nextdoor neighbor who babysat my kitties two copper butterfly garden ornaments for her flowerbed. The best things I bought though were two more chimes for outside (wooden ones this time), a funky shelf for the empty space by the mirror above the couch and a REALLY nice brass/stained glass morroccan lantern for the other side of the mirror above the couch. It was normally $300.00 (and well worth that price!) and I got it for $60.00!!!!! I just think it's beautiful! I have not spent money on *me* in 20 years!!!! I just thought that I *should* since *we* were taking this trip with *my* 401k money anyway, so *I* should have something to show for it!!! I don't feel the least bit guilty, either!
    The downside is that, as soon as we got home today, hubby started getting tense and short-tempered and hyperactive again....it was if the vacation was over and he was obsessing about work again. We actually yelled at one another, which is not like us. *HE* thought *I* was being a bitch and *I* thought *HE* was!!!!! I cried....I just hate doing that! I haven't a clue what happened...we were fine until we got home. He went to wash the salt off of the truck while I was unpacking and he stayed gone quite a long time. He came back saying that he'd also gone to the park to walk and he started rushing around and going wild "preparing" for work tomorrow.....*I* felt like everything he said was "short-tempered" and sarcastic. It just never got any better..............
    So, we're really no better off than we were last week~~~~~ *Except*, that I got some good rest and presents and some pretty things for my family AND for *myself* for a change.
    The island was beautiful as always and the lighthouse was decorated for Christmas! The weather was perfect with a temp in the 60's and 70's each day. It rained some yesterday and I was drenched!!! I was out walking and doing a little of the shopping when there was a downpour, but I had an umbrella with me and I didn't care anyway!
    It took us 6 and 1/2 hours to dive to the ferry which took 2 and a half hours to get us to the island. We wouldn't go through all of this if we didn't truly adore this place, believe me!!
    I pray that my husband can deal with his job problems.....our medical insurance is through this job and I cannot imagine *not* having medical coverage. We're already having to switch to another insurance company this year; his job has switched from CIGNA to NC-BCBS and I just hate changes! Insurance is probably the only reason I have trouble with his idea of quitting this job. I know he could find another job with his experience, but I can't have "pre-existing" illness clauses and riders and such....I just can't.
    So, I had a fun little vacation and now life re-starts!!! This was the first trip to the island since I quit my job and started on STD and it was much easier to come home, knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about going back to a job that was killing me physically and emotionally! I understand how my husband feels, believe me, but he is strong and able and he would hate being disabled! He is just frustrated with his current job situation and hurt and disappointed that he didn't get the promotion he deserved. Please say a little prayer for him to have patience and humility.
    With much love,
    Kady

    [This Message was Edited on 01/02/2003]
  13. jolly

    jolly New Member

    Reading this whole post...you sound just like me! And I wasn't in an orphanage either. I can relate so much to every thing you said. You know, maybe where you live is causing you stress and your husband, too. I wonder if you own or rent. Life in the fast lane like everybody lives today is so wrong and against our nature. I feel for your husband and the job thing. I know he's being irrational, but can't blame him a bit. What a slap in face not to get the position he was counting on. But no way would I sell my car. A good running car is a gold mine and a good part of your independence. I wish y'all could move to that lovely island. I wish we could all move to a lovely island! Maybe one day....Jo Ellen
  14. darlamk

    darlamk New Member

    I think a little therapeutic shopping is great for us! I hope your flare ends soon & life gets alittle less stressful for you Kady. So many of us are in flares after the holidays. Hang in there! You are always so good about acknowledging newbies and give good advice to them on using the site. I hope your days ahead get better.
    Take care,
    Darla