very depressed

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by AuntTammie, Oct 27, 2009.

  1. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    warning - gloomy post

    I have not been this down in a long time

    between the gloomy weather,
    the fact that I have gotten dramatically worse over the last yr,
    the losses associated with getting so much worse,
    feeling practically invisible bc I cannot get out much and bc of the way that people who are disabled due to illness get treated worse than pretty much any other grp (even other disabled, even the elderly, etc) & are basically forgotten,
    the financial worries,
    the concerns that Reeves and co will use the da*n empirical definition to "study" xmrv,
    the fact that my parents (who are pretty much the only people who help me at all anymore and who are pretty much the only people I get to see anymore even though that doesn't happen that often either) are going to be leaving for FL for the winter (and the pressure from them and my brother's family to join them, which I SOOOO would love to do, but which is pretty much physically impossible at this point),
    the fact that I will be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday alone,

    the fact that my sleep schedule continues to get more and more messed up (tanning was helping and it still does some, but not enough),
    the fact that I never get good days anymore,
    the fact that I barely even make it to church anymore,
    the problems associated with this apt (noise, possible mold, etc...have been trying to find a way to move for more than two yrs now, but having no luck),
    worries about health care coverage (my medicare supplemental plan is discontinued and I am having no luck getting info about the other available plans),
    feeling like a burden and not contributing much to the world,
    feeling physically vulnerable bc ME/CFS is so much worse, and that is leading to having flashbacks (which I have not had in a very long time and had thought were over),
    gaining weight,
    needing help for so many things,
    etc, etc, etc, etc
    I am quite sure that I am leaving out some of the reasons that I am down, too, but I am so exhausted I can't think or write anymore

    If I weren't absolutely positive that there is a God and He is good and He has some plan in all this, I would be seriously suicidal......bc of my beliefs, I am not going to end my life , but I really wish that this stupid illness were curable or terminal.....I can't take it anymore
    [This Message was Edited on 10/27/2009]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/27/2009]
  2. karynwolfe

    karynwolfe New Member

    I'm having a really tough day too, AuntTammie, so I thought I'd comment.........I hate making a post just to vent about how crappy I'm feeling because we all feel crappy, you know? But I'm glad you posted because I can have someone to relate to, and you put words to some of the things I just couldn't figrue out how to say. (Reason for everything? Yes, I believe so)

    I'm tired of walking like a drunk even when I'm not on any medicine, and falling into the walls....tired of losing my indepedence.....tired of not being able to take care of myself......tired of not being able to drive......tired of being the only one in this house who talks about how God has a purpose for it all, when is there going to be someone ELSE to stand up for me, to come up and say it'll be all right, that He really does love us and knows that we will make it through, why does it always have to be US to bring up the positive, it makes you feel like if you stop for just a second, you'll be doomed because no one else has any hope but you, the really sick ironic is that?! I'm sure you think these things, too.

    I'll say it for you, Aunt Tammie. we will get through it. God does have a purpose. He does love us. He does help us through the hard times so that we can learn from it and appreciate life so much more than we thought possible. It will be all right. He knows we are doing everything to the best of our ability, even when our fellow "humans" doubt us, and we will get to where we're supposed to be in the end. *hugs*

    "When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes it's hell in the hallway!"
  3. LadyCarol

    LadyCarol Member

    Are there people at church who can come and visit you on a regular basis ?

    What supplements and/or medication are you currently taking ?
    I've found antioxidants help a lot, multivitamins & iron and extra vitamins C, D, natural E, B12, magnesium, fish oil, starflower oil. Fresh fruit, beans, peas, vegetables, bread, no meat, works for me.

    God hasn't left you alone, he has given you your pets to care for and for companionship, enjoy them and love them and they will help to cheer you.
    I often feel lonely from a lack of social contact but my dogs cheer me up, I just have to look at them and see the love of God looking right back at me, I don't get that same reaction much these days when I look at people.

    People without CFS/ME don't understand what it's like, friends/family etc. drift away, they say things that hurt us and they don't understand why, you know what it's like. God understands and will never leave you, he'll help you through it all somehow.
  4. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    You are a very valuable and needed presence on this board, so remember that.

    I do believe that the isolating nature of this illness is one of its worst aspects. I don't know what I'd do without the Internet. I live with my beautiful cat and see one sister about once a week and that's pretty much my social life. When I have an interaction with a clerk at a store, it feels like I'm really getting out!

    This illness is crappy, there's no doubt about it. What keeps me going is the belief (however misguided it may be) that I'm going to get better. I don't let myself dwell on what if - what if I never get better, etc. I just don't think about the future much, and instead concentrate on what I can do about getting better. I wouldn't worry about Reeves. There's no point in worrying. I read a very good saying once which said, "if you worry, why pray? If you pray, why worry?" So don't worry about Reeves. History will take care of him.

    Have you ever seen a naturopath or any practitioner outside the mainstream? One of the people who has helped me the most was a chiropractor who did muscle testing. He helped me with several digestive issues which were never diganosed by mainstrean doctors, he helped with weak adrenals and a toxic liver. I would have been much worse off without him. And when I first saw him, I was desperate. I didn't know whether I believed in what he did or not, but it was going to cost me $50 to find out if he could help, so why the heck not?

    Anyways, it's natural to get discouraged. But don't dwell on your list. I think we could all make similar lists, but it doesn't do any good. It's funny - I've gotten very pragmatic as I get older as regards feelings - if they don't help, I try to change the way I look at things. There is a lot to be discouraged about, but I just try not to dwell on it. (except once in awhile it gets overwhelming, as you seem to be right now)

    I do let myself feel down when I am. It doesn't help to fight it. But I try not to swim in it, if you know what I mean. I think it sort of is like swimming. I think we come back up (after being down), like ir or not!

    Take care -

  5. LindaJones

    LindaJones New Member

    if you are very depressed please tell your primary care physician
    you can also see a psychologist once a week
  6. heapsreal

    heapsreal New Member

    no how ya feel, which is a bugger. Thought i was getting better on AV's but last few months have been feeling crappier. Brain fog, no motivation and yes i can relate to the walking into walls, wish it was because i was drunk, lol.

    The xmrv is very exciting news but also a downer, its not coming quick enough, yesterday would be good, lol.

    I can relate to financial stuff, have been working fulltime since may and now Im struggling, i like my job and the extra money is good, but seriously thinking of going back part time. Being a male and "bread winner" is hard on the ego. I dont like explaining to people why Im working part time, you can see they think your a slacker.

    I keep having these thoughts where i think, am I just depressed? Happily married, 2 good kids, roof over our heads, just got nothing in the tank to enjoy it. Actually dont feel like i have any emotion, brain fogged/ numb. Cant remember names(more then normal), forgetting to put hand brake on in the car. Even typing, i have to go back and fix all the mistakes as i tend to hit 2 keys at once, lol.

    Thanks for starting the thread aunt tammie, we all need a good winge every so often. Hope things get better for you.
  7. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I am sorry to see you so down. I think their are a lot of us right now due to the weather, shorter days who are dealing with these same feelings. When we feel this way, even the small things seem insurmountable and the insurmountable overwhelming.

    I can so understand why you feel this way. Been there, done that, even got a T Shirt.

    Basically, it sucks, doesn't it?

    But you have a lot of friends here who are thinking of you. This is your turn to vent. Another time you will be giving encouraging and helpful advice and letting someone know that how they feel is real and not unexpected.

    Are there any support groups where you live?

    If you are having flashbacks, I would consult your doctor. Take care of yourself.


    I think I remember you saying that you had problems with ADs. I also had some. There is a medication called Lamictal which they are finding out helps with the side effects and actually makes the AD more effective.

    Just a thought.[This Message was Edited on 10/27/2009]
  8. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    thank you so much all of you....if I have a bit more energy sometime soon I will try to reply to everyone individually - you have all had helpful & nice things to say & it is nice to know that you understand and care hugs,Tammie
  9. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time right now. Yes, I do understand everything you said. It is ironic that we are the main ones who have to hold ourselves up emotionally during these times to keep from just falling apart completely. We have to be our own best friend sometimes to get through. It would be great to have someone around to give us a pep talk and spiritual encouragement but most probably don't have that.

    Faith in the love of God also keeps me going. No church connections anymore so I watch spritually uplifting programs on tv. It helps me so much. Coming here and sharing with all of the people on this board is keeping me going also. I couldn't do without it.

    I do believe we'll all get medical help one day and feel more hope now than I ever have since becoming ill in 1978.

    I was wondering about your family's trip to Fla. Would it be possibe for them to rent a large R.V. so that you could lie down on the trip and have food and restroom on board? That's the only way I could imagine myself traveling now. If that's possible, maybe you really could go too. I'm sure they'd be okay with letting you rest in the sun while they went sightseeing down there. Hope you can find a way to go. Hope and Hugs. GB66
  10. nah.stacey

    nah.stacey Member

    There have been so many times that you have held us up when we were feeling beyond help.

    It does help to make your list and share it with others who know exactly what you are going through. You vent all you want and get it off your chest. My guess is you were crying as you made your list and then it just kept coming, the list and the tears. But you know what? It's OK.

    Let er rip. I call it cleaning out my pipes, and if you weren't crying during the writing of your list, I suggest you pull up that post again, read it through, feel all the sorrow and sadness and then cry till your eyes run dry. I promise you it is not wallowing, it is cleaning out your pipes.
    You will feel so much better when you are finished and your thinking will be clearer and you will be able to move forward from there.

    As long as you have had this DD I'm sure you have tried all the above suggestions at one point or another but I'm here to tell you IT IS OK TO CRY.

    Women are just built this way. We were meant to have emotion, it's how we have the capacity to nurture ourselves and others. Contrary to popular belief it is ok to feel sadness, it's ok to feel deep sorrow a our plight, it's ok to feel sorry for ourselves every now and again.

    As a religious person you know that "this too shall pass" maybe not as soon as we would like since our time line is not God's time line. Why we have this DD only God himself knows. I have alot of questions myself when I get there.

    But just know that it is OK to tell us how you really feel, and it's not fair of us to give to advice you already know is logical, or platitudes, or "you will be ok". Tammie, just know that we really do care because we really do know your pains and your fears. Just remember you are never alone, there is one that is greater than us all and He is ALWAYS there.

    God Bless your heart,
  11. wendysj

    wendysj New Member

    Hi Aunt Tammie,

    Your message touched me this morning. I went to see my best friend yesterday who has been sick and getting worse for over a year and a half... She started apologizing for not thinking of people who have it worse... For being selfish... I stopped her immediately.

    I've been very sick for all my adult life. I tried for years to carry the depression, fear, anger, disappointment, etc. by myself for years. I nearly didn't make it long enough to learn NOT to do that.

    I told her my real story... The one I was ashamed of, the one that makes me cry when I think about it:

    I got REALLY sick and was alone for most of the 1st year. Going to doctor to doctor, terrified. I couldn't work, see friends, talk on the phone. I was exhausted and in a deep depression. I was sleeping over 15 hours a day and crying for most of the hours I was awake.

    I moved in with a guy a met who lived next door in my apartment building. He was the most selfish man I had ever met but I kept thinking "at least I'm not alone". I spent most of my energy screaming at him. That was the lowest point in my life.

    I spent hours lying on the steps in my apartment weeping. I screamed at God, I hated Him for letting me live this way. I couldn't kill myself because I loved my mom and brother too much to do that to them. So, I begged and pleaded with God to take me home. "Please end this misery for me... I cannot take it any longer." My mom came to visit (she knew I wasn't doing well) and I told her without emotion, "I can't live my life like this... I WON'T live my life like this." (I still cannot believe I said that to her - I can't imagine what she felt hearing that.)

    Obviously, He didn't take me and I didn't hurt myself. I'm so happy I didn't... I have certainly had times since then when I think, "Would anyone notice if I wasn't here"? Thankfully, I've learned to be my own coach. My councelor saved my life many times by teaching me to coach myself through the tough times.

    I told my friend all of this... She has been diagnosed with Lupus but she also has 18 bulging disks. She told me months ago her worst fear is living a long very sick life. I know she has the same strength I have. I felt like it was my duty to show her that in the beginning, I didn't handle things as well as I do now. She looked very surprised to hear how low I had actually gotten... and live to learn from it.

    Aunt Tammie, I'm sorry I rambled on. I just wanted you to know that sometimes we just don't want to continue living in such pain and exhaustion - but that does NOT make us suicidal. There are many here that understand where you are right now. I'm proud of you for letting us all carry a little of this with you. That is why we are here.

    You are so helpful to so many people here. You are needed here. Remember on these days when you're down, try to pick 1 thing that is positive and enjoy it. Watch the birds outside, read a book, eat something that is REALLY good. Just enjoy as much as you can... even if you have to do it through tears. The tears will stop eventually and you'll just be enjoying something very nice.

    We're here always. Thanks again for letting us caryy some of this for you. Helping others helps us... You know that, I'm sure. :)


  12. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    I can so relate to the noise and mold. I have a neighbor who refuses to stop blasting the stereo whenever he feels like it. I've been down to management, they even went in to his apartment in front of his face and turned it down and he still won't stop. He was doing it this morning from about five thirty till eight thirty and I wanted to die. I'm too sick to go over to management today, so he lucked out. I'll end having to go back in and complain again.

    The neighbors attached to my bedroom like to have the tv on loud at various times and that's a whole other nitemare. They go to bed early, though, and then it's quiet in there the rest of the night.

    The neighbor on the other side of my apartment has company at all weird hours like 3am. And they think nothing of talking loudly in the hallway in the middle of the night.

    The hot water isn't working right in my apartment, yet again. And I've been way too sick to get maint in here. I have to run the kitchen and bathroom sinks at the same time to get hot water in the shower. That's nuts. And I have to leave them running the entire time I'm in the shower.

    There's mold all over this building. It doesn't matter how much they try to clean it. It's in the vents, it's probably around the heating pipes, too. Between that and the heavy chemical cleaners they use, it's amazing I'm still alive in here.

    I don't know why we're being tortured. I don't have a clue. I think it's a hell dimension. I believe in levels of hell and levels of heaven. I don't think we're on the lowest rung, but we are nowhere near a high one.
  13. FibroFay

    FibroFay New Member

    I have no advice. Many here have given good advice. I just wanted to say I care about your suffering. It's such a heavy burden for you to carry alone. We all love you and care.

    I wanted to tell you that lately I've been feeling a little overwhelmed myself and I wandered over to the Worship/Spirituality board. There is a haven of rest over there. Have you been to it? It was a good reminder to me that God is in control even if I don't feel like He is.

    I pray you'll soon feel better.

  14. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    still crashing way too badly to write much, but just wanted you all to know how much I appreciate each of you and how much I also appreciate your does help a lot to know that you care
  15. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Are you sure I didn't write this.. Plus worry , worry, as I know we shouldn't but what do I do with myself. I feel I am losing my mind. So worthless, from bed to bath to kitchen and back to bed and see no light at the end of the tunnel if there is a tunnel. My family thinks I will be ok and keep treating me as if I am well. They will never get it , nor do I..

    No, answers but I sure know where you are coming from.

    God Bless,
  16. karynwolfe

    karynwolfe New Member

    Still thinking of you Tammie and hoping you'll feel "good" enough to join us again soon, hang in there *hugs*
  17. skeptik2

    skeptik2 Member

    Hi, sweetie, it's me, skeptik....

    When these winter fronts come in, it's all I can do not to crawl out
    of my skin, and I do not have all that crap going on in my life that
    you do, poor darling.

    You know we love you here, don't you? Please let it buoy you up
    until you have the strength to read all the blogs about the CFSAC
    meeting today: man, that will git the BP and joy revving!

    You have always been one of my strongest buoys and supporters,
    no matter how crazy I sound sometimes. I am not here as much, am
    mostly at another me cfs dot org, but when I see your name, I'm
    perky as a newly blooming rose...

    Cry. Scream. Watch a funny movie. Sleep every chance you get,
    and COME ON BAAaacK! We can't change anything, except how
    we think about it.

    (((((((((((((LOVE 'N HUGS)))))))))))))))
  18. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    and I have to say that all the responses here are truly helping so much.....I am still incredibly wiped out and foggy, so still not writing much, but I have to tell you that you are wonderful and I really, really appreciate all the encouragement....thank you so much!

    & skeptik, I don't remember reading anything "crazy" that you have written, but I have noticed that you have not been here as much......and you are missed (but it's good to know that you aren't totally gone)

  19. sportsmom628

    sportsmom628 New Member

    Oh honey, I am so sorry to hear how bad in a place you are right now. But let me tell you this there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you are on any meds I recommend you talk to your Doc. about switching things around. I was in a very bad place mine started last year about this time and I just could not get out of the rut no matter what I did. So I definetley can relate. It went to full head this past August when my 22 yr old daughter broke her ankle when she was home visiting from college. I had to take care of her for week by myself as my husband works all day and my eldest son (17) was in school, so with a bad back and not feeling well I had to be helping her up the stairs to the bathroom and what not, I was just relieved once hubby got home to take over. After 4 weeks of that crap with her ankle, then my youngest son had a small seizure during fallball baseball game, came out of no where absolutely scared the crap out of me, since my eldest daughter that broke her ankle has epilepsy also I thought oh know, please lord don't let this be. I rushed him to the er did tests to confirm small seizure but sent him home to update with ped. next day. Well all said and done he is fine, Doc. said does not have epilepsy and since it was a very small one no meds, Thank God I Said! He hasn't had one since so I thank the lord everyday.
    Needless to say I had a breakdown and depression was so bad could not get out of bed and pain so bad could not get move! But my doc. finally in Sept. got me on the right meds. Savella and abilify together, and also am on Neurontin. I tell you I feel like a new person after titrating upto the 50mg of Savella which was hard at first and low dose of the abilify 2.5 mg. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, so talk to your doctor please so he can help you!

    I am also in a Suburb out of Chicago, in Joliet, maybe we could talk sometime since we can relate to each other so much with out illnesses.
    Let me know if you want to talk or need anything I will help you.

    God Bless and Take Care,
  20. FibroFay

    FibroFay New Member

    You've been on my mind. I hope you're feeling a little better today. Take it one day at a time. Okay?