Very meloncoly today-have to go and get stictches out

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by griswoldgirl, Oct 8, 2002.

  1. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    from second surgery on Friday on my knee. Thank goodness not as much pain the second time around. Just a lot of fatuge and wierdness from meds and anesthesia.

    I am going through a period of reflection and really feeling all the pain and depression this dd and other problems have caused me over the past few years.

    for those who said I warned you you were heading for a crash and burn you were right. Thank you!

    i am not in a hurry to heal this time. I am actually healing from a very long haul of pushing way beyond my means for years and years. I sleep a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I just think and reflect and wonder what has kept me going all these years-pure stubborness, adrenaline and God is my answer.

    Right now I am getting to know who and what I really am. A child of god for whom I have not taken very good care of for years. I have made a decision to take as long as it takes to recover this time. I am totally bankrupt in a lot of areas. Funny when you are forced to take a real look in the mirror and realize that you have not seen yourself clearly for so long you do not recognise the face looking back at you. It is worn out, tired, has a few more wrinkles and sad eyes. I have been through so much sadness and loss over the years that I never really delt with and now I am one thing at a time.
    I actually believe this knee thing was a little present to me to say STOP NOW and really look and change the things that you can change. slow down, stop pushing to the point of so much pain I was numb. I am experiencing a real awakening that is enlightening and wonderful and painful all at the same time. if it were not for my leg I was headed for real trouble-a total breakdown of some kind-because I am experiencing so much termoil in my emotions it is like a rollercoaster ride.

    You see i finally realized not only am I battling FMS, there are many things I am at a spiritual warefare about. Real life deabilitating diseases which I have not allowed to slow me down-played superwoman for so long. I am happy to inform you I have retired my cape for good.

    I am learning all over to listen to my body when it is tired and in pain, when anxiety starts to take over I remove myself from the situaltion. I take only a few small things daily to attack. My kids are living on hot pockets and sandwiches and that is okay-they are fed. We work together doing the best we can to manage the house. I finally realized my daughter needs me to love on her more for she is suffering too, she hurts from fms and the trauma our lives have been through. I spend lazy afternoons just snuggling with my son and taking a nap when he gets home fron school,just loving him and her and an amazing thing is happening, slowly harmony is coming into our home.

    I have accepted I need help, I recieve some from my friends and appreciate and welcome it instead of feeling useless. I watch a movie or two and enjoy them inbetween the naps while the kids are at school and not feel quilty.

    Somewhere somehow since I have been on my own since I was 15 i taught myself it is not okay to stay still. I am learning that not only is it okay-it is necessary.

    i have put on hold the studying for my ultrasound boards, I was not able to absorb it anyway. I have until Dec of 2004 to do it there is no hurry. We are not comfotable financially as we were but we have food on the table and insurance through cobra, and a roof over our head and a little more peace through the grace of god and my husbands income and total support of me taking as much time as i need,he is real worried about me as I am if I do not change.

    When the time comes I will get back to the books and go back to work eventually-part time on my terms-no more being a slave to any company again-the hospital I worked for traumatized me for three years and continually traumatizes people I used to work with-I cannot be a part of that anymore.

    I have no answers yet from disability, Workmans comp turned me down and now they are doing there own investigation-they have all they need and I have dropped the ball and left everything up to the powers that be, have an attorney ready to fight if necessary-right now the only fight i am engaged in is fighting for my life and getting it back, no not realy getting it back-making it new and better with the new me I am growing to respect and love on a daily basis.

    I hope all of you that have been so supportive of me and my insanity are well and feeling okay. for those who are not you too will get to the other side. I know now I am heading in the right direction towards acceptance of my limits that are very real and need to be respected. I know now they are not weaknesses but what I have been given as a gift to learn to live a more peaceful existence and a quality of life I deserve.

    cathy
  2. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    from second surgery on Friday on my knee. Thank goodness not as much pain the second time around. Just a lot of fatuge and wierdness from meds and anesthesia.

    I am going through a period of reflection and really feeling all the pain and depression this dd and other problems have caused me over the past few years.

    for those who said I warned you you were heading for a crash and burn you were right. Thank you!

    i am not in a hurry to heal this time. I am actually healing from a very long haul of pushing way beyond my means for years and years. I sleep a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I just think and reflect and wonder what has kept me going all these years-pure stubborness, adrenaline and God is my answer.

    Right now I am getting to know who and what I really am. A child of god for whom I have not taken very good care of for years. I have made a decision to take as long as it takes to recover this time. I am totally bankrupt in a lot of areas. Funny when you are forced to take a real look in the mirror and realize that you have not seen yourself clearly for so long you do not recognise the face looking back at you. It is worn out, tired, has a few more wrinkles and sad eyes. I have been through so much sadness and loss over the years that I never really delt with and now I am one thing at a time.
    I actually believe this knee thing was a little present to me to say STOP NOW and really look and change the things that you can change. slow down, stop pushing to the point of so much pain I was numb. I am experiencing a real awakening that is enlightening and wonderful and painful all at the same time. if it were not for my leg I was headed for real trouble-a total breakdown of some kind-because I am experiencing so much termoil in my emotions it is like a rollercoaster ride.

    You see i finally realized not only am I battling FMS, there are many things I am at a spiritual warefare about. Real life deabilitating diseases which I have not allowed to slow me down-played superwoman for so long. I am happy to inform you I have retired my cape for good.

    I am learning all over to listen to my body when it is tired and in pain, when anxiety starts to take over I remove myself from the situaltion. I take only a few small things daily to attack. My kids are living on hot pockets and sandwiches and that is okay-they are fed. We work together doing the best we can to manage the house. I finally realized my daughter needs me to love on her more for she is suffering too, she hurts from fms and the trauma our lives have been through. I spend lazy afternoons just snuggling with my son and taking a nap when he gets home fron school,just loving him and her and an amazing thing is happening, slowly harmony is coming into our home.

    I have accepted I need help, I recieve some from my friends and appreciate and welcome it instead of feeling useless. I watch a movie or two and enjoy them inbetween the naps while the kids are at school and not feel quilty.

    Somewhere somehow since I have been on my own since I was 15 i taught myself it is not okay to stay still. I am learning that not only is it okay-it is necessary.

    i have put on hold the studying for my ultrasound boards, I was not able to absorb it anyway. I have until Dec of 2004 to do it there is no hurry. We are not comfotable financially as we were but we have food on the table and insurance through cobra, and a roof over our head and a little more peace through the grace of god and my husbands income and total support of me taking as much time as i need,he is real worried about me as I am if I do not change.

    When the time comes I will get back to the books and go back to work eventually-part time on my terms-no more being a slave to any company again-the hospital I worked for traumatized me for three years and continually traumatizes people I used to work with-I cannot be a part of that anymore.

    I have no answers yet from disability, Workmans comp turned me down and now they are doing there own investigation-they have all they need and I have dropped the ball and left everything up to the powers that be, have an attorney ready to fight if necessary-right now the only fight i am engaged in is fighting for my life and getting it back, no not realy getting it back-making it new and better with the new me I am growing to respect and love on a daily basis.

    I hope all of you that have been so supportive of me and my insanity are well and feeling okay. for those who are not you too will get to the other side. I know now I am heading in the right direction towards acceptance of my limits that are very real and need to be respected. I know now they are not weaknesses but what I have been given as a gift to learn to live a more peaceful existence and a quality of life I deserve.

    cathy
  3. Scoobsmom

    Scoobsmom New Member

    Sounds so familiar. I was on my own at 15 and too struggle knowing how to just "be". I find myself praying for contentment, and acceptance, but continue to pursue looking for part time jobs and try to keep going and going, even though I am tired, in pain, and feeling down. Spiritual warfair is a constant.. the more I draw closer to my Heavenly Father, the more anxiety I feel. I too know that I must stop and accept that this is where I am and relax before things get even more out of control..I have been told by doctors not to pursue the disability thing, but I know that if I could at least count on some income to help with my husbands I would be able to relax a little more. Thank you for your post..it made me realize that there are others who feel as I do...
  4. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    I just wanted to say, WOW! You've come a long way baby! You know I'm behind you 100% and cheering for you all the way. I found that when I turned my entire situation over to God the worries got left behind and I was at peace with myself, my illnesses and my future, no matter what happens.

    I'm so glad you are finally taking time for yourself. Unfortunately we all have to do it under our own terms and not because someone else tells us what we need to do. I'm just so pleased that you have come to this realization.

    I'm also happy to hear that as you modify your lifestyle you are finding a new closeness with your kids. That is something that no one can ever take away.

    Hugs,
    Barbara
  5. Allen2

    Allen2 New Member

    I am happy and sad for you at the same time. Chronic pain and its disabling effects sure can shove reality in your face! But you are learning from your struggles, growing better, not bitter. My disability and loss of a career and ministry that was the joy of my heart made me pull hard on my anchor: the fierce love and undying faithfulness of God. When it was too dark to see, He could see me. Good enough. Al