Want Children...Am I being selfish

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lightnerbride, Aug 14, 2006.

  1. lightnerbride

    lightnerbride New Member

    I am 33, my husband 34 and we where just married this past October but have been together a total of 3 1/2 years.

    I have had various health issues through out my life. I
    had a lot of headaches as a child, then at 9 I fell on my tailbone and fractured it. Well instead of healing and getting better it got worse and worse with burning pain in the tailbone region to the point just my underwear touching the area sent me through the roof.

    It got so bad that I couldn't sit for a year and a half after my tailbone was removed. The pain radiated down my legs, to my hips, up my back into neck, and caused severe neck pain with migraine like headaches. I was just over 14 1/2 years old when I was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.

    I went into Childrens Hospital for awhile and came out in pretty good condition. I have had a headache everyday since I was 10. I have also had anxiety problems during and since then (depression during then of course.)

    During High School I had some on and off RSD issues.

    Then I went away for a semester in Spain my sophomore year in college and came back with a strange cold/flu that wouldn't go away.

    I was 19 and diagnosed with hypothyroid, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue. I have gone on to be diagnosed by about 10 different specialist. I have had on/off flare-ups that lead to time off from work or school but was relatively symptom free from 1995 to 2000.

    Then in 2000 when I was moving and injured my back I flared back up horribly. I have degenerative disc disease and osteoarthritis along with some bulging discs in my low back that have improved but not 100% the injury caused a horrible flare-up of Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Restless leg syndrome, migraines, etc.

    I have been unable to work since 5/02 and I am still waiting for my Social Security Disability hearing.

    At my worst I was completely bedridden, when my husband and I met I had lost 90lbs and was doing pretty good, my pain was moderate to severe and I went out approx. 4 days a week, and felt much better than I do now.

    I am now about a 20 on the Bruce Campbell scale that someone posted, usually an 8-9 on the pain scale of 0-10, I can easily sleep 16 hours a night/day well except the nights I have insomnia usually 3-4 nights in a row every 3-4 weeks.

    I would like to stay in bed all day but get out to do laundry maybe once a week, dishes once a week, but no other cleaning than that maybe a little tidying up. I have my mom come over weekly to help out.

    I go out about probably 1-3 times a week to do whatever errands I need to otherwise it's doc appointments or related issues and then stay at home to rest as much of the week so I can do things with my husband on the weekends.

    I do fix my husbands lunch daily just a sandwhich, apple, bottled water and dinner about 5 nights a week. I get those easy to make microwave meals that come in pot roast, beef tips, sliced turkey and gravy, or the frozen precooked hamburgers that you microwave. It's not like I make a real dinner. I eat soup usually for dinner.

    I have severe pain and fatigue. We both want children, two would be great but we would be very happy with just one (I was an only child and it had benefits) I just always get the how can you take care of a child if you can't take care of your home and husband and can barely take care of yourself.

    I feel like so much has been taken away from me in my life that how can this be taken away from me. I know my FM/CFS can get worse but what about the possibility of getting better or even remission. I have so much love to give a baby and know that it is a 24 hour job/responsibility.

    I am willing to put myself, my needs, my suffering second to a child. I would like to know how people suffering from the same things/diseases as I am feel about my desire to have a child despite my disability. My parents and family are very supportive but none of my in-laws are, although my sister in law is in her 40's never married, no children and would love to be an aunt.

    My husband goes back and forth on the issue but really wants a child of his own, just as much as I do when it comes down to the issue. I want to get off my medications by this upcoming Spring and start trying to get pregnant and that is the plan my husband and I have made.

    I look forward to anyones insight be it positive or negative. Sorry for long post!

    [This Message was Edited on 08/15/2006]
  2. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I din't know that I had fibro or the degenretive disc disease as well as facet syndrome when I had my 3 babies. But I always had really horrid cramps and during my pregnancies I had lots of head aches and legaches and my doctor the only pain med I could take was a tyonenl #3 for pain and that was it.

    I was watched closely for any problems and my oldest was the one who broke my tail bone durning her deilviery and I felt it even though I had a epidural. DANG that hurt and it still does.

    Make a list of the good and bad siiitatuations of getting pregnant and bring your doctor in to this and see what he has to say about it. IF this is going to send you in to a 9 month flare or one after wards.

    That is the best advise i can give is to talk this over with oyour pain doctor as well as a OB/GYN and when you talk to the OB make sure you have your medical records from your ruemy or pain doctor so that he can see what has been going on in your life so that he can help you to choose what it the best thing for you to do.

    I wish you luck and hope that you will be able to have a healthy baby .

    many HUGS and best wishes,
  3. Thistledown

    Thistledown New Member

    if any of your illnesses are genetic, do you want to risk putting your child through the same pain and suffering you went through? I am not saying that they will have any problems, in fact I hope you can and do have a healthy child, but I can't help but wonder. Best wishes from someone who knows what it means to desire a child...
  4. pamj

    pamj New Member

    Selfish sounds like such a harsh word for someone who wants to have a child. Especially if you know how much work it will be, and how hard it will be for you.

    I'm sure your husband knows this would be a big responsibility for him too, not only taking care of a child, but also with the risk of you getting worse he'd have to take care of you too.

    Do you also have a backup person to help out during the day while your husband is working? Keep in mind the possibility that you could be bedridden for a while after childbirth.

    It's hard for anyone else to tell you what is right for you. I think Rosemarie gave good advice.

    By the way, it would be helpful for you to go back and edit your message with some paragraph breaks... there are so many people here who are unable to read very long paragraphs due to cognitive trouble. If you break it up a bit, you may be able to get more input.

    take care,
  5. pepper

    pepper New Member

    and it just breaks my heart watching my youngest struggle with some of the health issues I have. He is not really sick yet but I dread what the future might hold for him.

    He was 8 yrs old when I came down with severe CFS/FM. At that age he basically lost his mother for several years. It was so unfair to him! My older son was 15 so it wasn't so hard on him. But I still struggle with the guilt of plunking him in front of the TV or video games so I could rest.

    He has a lot of problems now and I blame much of them on my DD's. He may have had these struggles even if I didn't get sick, but how would I ever know?

    Personally, as much as I love my boys and don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to either one of them, I am so sorry that they had to live for so long with a sick mom.

    But that is just my opinion. I can understand your desire to want children so badly and no one but you and your DH can make this final big decision.

  6. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Certainly it's not selfish to want to live your dreams.

    But having said that, you need to consider that while a child is a wonderful part of life, it is so much more work and stress and effort and cost and worry than anyone can every explain. Children are also very affected by their parent's state of mind.

    Bottom line is you'll do what you want to do, but do not sugar-coat motherhood, fatherhood or aunthood. I wasn't able to read your entire post but what I did get doesn't sound as if you could manage a child without a lot of help from your mother. Is that fair to her?

    Could you make paragraphs next time? Two hits on the enter key. Thanks.

  7. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    Anyone willing to put their self, needs and suffering second to a child can not be called selfish!! Wanting a child is the most unselfish things a person can do.

    This is a personal decision that only you can make. If your husband and your family are supportive and willing to help, I believe it can be managed. It sounds lie your husband really wants this too. Make sure he is willing to help you out when he can!

    Good luck with your decision!!!!
  8. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    To me it's not a question of selfishness or selflessness..

    You just have to really, truly be honest with yourself. If having a baby is worth the sacrifice of so many other things in your life.

    Ultimately only you and your husband can decide-

    My fm started at the birth of my second daughter, my first daughter was 4- My older daughter remembers me healthy, running, playing, thinner, happier. My now 5 yr old, has never known a healthy Mom, (up unitl my recent improvements).

    There are good and bad to every situation. My youngest is the most compassionate, caring, giving soul I know. Is it because she watched me suffer her entire life? Maybe? Would she have been the same if I weren't sick? Who can tell?

    My older daughter is resentful and full of anger because I got sick. She's 9 now and is better able to communicate her frustration, but she's spent time in therapy discussing her issues. Her mind set mimmicked mine at times. When I was low, she was low.

    And lets not forget the strain that a new baby puts on a marriage, yes it bonds you with your partner, yes, it is a gift from god to create life. But it's HARD- it's sleepless nights, and stressful days, and more expenses and not a lot of couple time, it can tear apart even the strongest of marriages.

    How many people hear before they are pregnant "oh, I'll babysit anytime"- and they never hear from that person after the baby is born.

    IF your mind and heart tell you to go forward- you will have to plan ahead. Plan for your Mom to stay with you for the first month or two. With all your back/tailbone issues, you'll probably have a c-section and recovery is much longer, and more painful. (I've done it both ways)- Post partum dep is a possibility too- and can wreak havoc..Heaven forbid there are complications.... we could go on and on.

    Lots of things to consider...

    Having said all that. Sometimes you have to have blind faith.

    God Bless,
  9. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    I couldn't read your whole post, because it was too close together, but , this I will say: I would never accuse anyone of being selfish for either wanting or not wanting children. People hae done that to me, in public,. I was told I was selfish for not getting married and having children, in public, in the faculty room at the school where I taught (I was in the convent until I was almost 40). Also, once a health care worker did the same thing.

    Only you can tell if you have enough psychic and physical energy to cope with a little child. Could you make him/her feel loved and accepted, and could you give him/her enough attention? If your answer is "yes,", then , there it is.

    God luck to you, and much happiness, no matter what you decide.

  10. lightnerbride

    lightnerbride New Member

    I went through and made some paragraphs- sorry about that!

    I really appreciate everyones opinions and advice. When my CFS doctor gets back from maternity leave I'll talk more seriously with her.

    My husband knows the issues. That is why he is sometimes negative but most of the time wants a child as much as I do.

    My father is about to retire and he was a very hands on father (I am an only child) so I know he would be there in a minute to help care for his grandchild and so would my mother but she works fulltime for probably another 5 years.

    I know I have the mental drive to do what it takes to be a mother but it's the physical that does worry me.

    I figure if I can get off all my medications and still get around and be no worse than I am now then that is when I need to make the final decision.

    Still appreciate anyone elses input or advice.