Was so very angry with God. Need guidance!!

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by pegasis, Jan 4, 2004.

  1. pegasis

    pegasis New Member

    I went into aniphilactic shock in 1999 while in labor with my first child. He died at 4 days old because of it. I have been trying to get pregnant since then and hubby and I have had no luck. I prayed so hard this month that I really thought I was pregnant. I was about 7 days late so I got a pregnancy test. I am not pregnant. I got filled up with so much anger and hurt I thought I was going to explode. I kept asking God why why why??!!!! Why do I have to get my hopes up just to have them dashed against the rocks over and over again??!!! Why does he not bless me with a child but will allow someone He knows will have an abortion to get pregnant? All those unwanted pregnancys out there and I so badly want one!!! It just made it worse when I lost Patrick. This is not fair or just and I thought God was supposed to be both? I thought that if you asked for something in Jesus's name, that you would be given it? I am so full of anger, hurt, depression, etc. Someone please help me? The pain is more than I can bare. Someone help me to understand why I must go through this? I hope nothing I have said is blasfemis. I may have crossed that line during my tyraid at God. So, yes I have asked forgiveness but still feel so bad. Someone please help me. Melody
  2. PrayerWarrior316

    PrayerWarrior316 New Member

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I know how you feel, I tried for years to become pregnant and when I did I had a miscarriage and then I was never able to become pregnant again.
    God may give us a negative answer for He can see into the future when we cannot. God can balance out the evil, hurt, and pain of the world by keeping us from doing, being, or receiving what we think we want or need. When we have a crying need, when we are prostrate on the ground in our grief and when we are begging God to do what we ask, God may not give us our desires because He can see consequences we cannot see. In these hours of our darkness and pain, we must rest in His peace, rest in His love, rest in His tender care, and trust Him to make all things right in the end.
    I will certainly be praying for you and for your husband.

    Many Blessings to you, Judy <a href='http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008' target='_blank'><img src='http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/17/17_1_22.gif' border=0></a>
  3. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    My heart goes out to you. I`m so sorry to hear your going through this. I agree with you, it makes no sense how people that don`t want a child get pregnant so easily. The young girls today just will get an abortion at the drop of a hat and not feel any remorse. Its sad.

    Praying that God will still bless you with a child. Many people have to try so very long before they get a child so don`t give up.

    Thoughts and prayers,
  4. danny3861

    danny3861 New Member

    I will be praying for you Melody and please keep your faith in the Lord. He will guide you and give you the comfort and peace you need. He will also give you the strength to endure this time in your life. Pray alot for what you need, but also try to thank the Lord each day for the many Blessing you have been give. God bless you.

    /In Jesus name, amen,

  5. pegasis

    pegasis New Member

    But, it's so very hard to keep the faith. I feel so left alone and I am really so very angry over it. I will pray that God guides me on this. I don't know how to get over the anger or the unfairness. In my mind, God is the one who allows these and other bad things to happen. So, doesn't that make it God's fault for allowing it? I just don't know what is up anymore.Thank you all for answering and I promise, I am trying. Thank you for your prayers and your love, they mean more to me than words can express. Love, hugs, and God's greatest blessing, Melody
  6. Babyboomer

    Babyboomer New Member

    Hi Melody:

    Just wanted to say do not give up on your being blessed with a baby and to encourage you to talk to your OB/GYN about maybe having post partum depression. I can see you have been having such a hard time, and as hard as it seems, God does have a Master Plan. Please be comforted to know that He is walking with you step by step during this sad time of your life.

    A little background on me: I tried for 7 years to have a baby, fertility pills, the tests, yada yada yada. Finally I just asked the Lord to take the burden from me and let me have peace about it. We started the adoption process, were at the top of the list and I became pregnant at age 30. In order for another couple to be blessed with a baby, we withdrew our application.

    I have now got three daughters, 21, 25 and 27. The baby being born when I was 36. I have developed Parkinsons, but give thanks to the good Lord for His allowing me to see them grown and happy and loving their Lord also.

    I do think a good talk to your OB/Gyn would do so much, and if he were to advise you taking a mild anti-depressant medication for a little while, I would certainly not hesitate to go that route.

    Just know, Melody, that This too Shall Pass. And God does care and love and will get you through this. One final little saying that I like, is: Let go, and let God.

    God bless,
  7. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Anger is one of the stages of grieving. If you haven't availed yourself of grief therapy, I highly recommend it. Being under constant stress of anger is not conducive to getting pregnant. Perhaps God thinks you need to get through your grieving before you are ready to be a parent again. He does hear and answer our prayers but in His own good time and in His own good way. He can see the forest; we can only see a few trees.

    I know it sounds trite to say that everything happens for a reason, but it's true, even with things which are heartbreaking for us.

    My prayers are with you and I hope you can get through your grieving and God will bless you with a child.

    Love, Mikie
  8. gailette

    gailette New Member

    I look at what you wrote and think of myself.First I want to say God know best he maybe answer your pray in many ways. Yes,but wait,no ,I had other plans for you and you husband.I prayed and cried and even didn't care to hold another baby because I wanted one so bad.I cry when people say things,like why do you need a big car you don't have children.(I didn't cry in front of them,but with my husband I did.I reminber getting on an adoption list are just before we got on one. It wasn't to easy to do in our days. I was driving across town from my house an said father isn't there one child here that does need a family.I was passing a school and enjoying the children play.Now we was adopted a baby.we got on a list.and the wait was long and we was telling more people about our hopes. well about a years later we got a 8 year very little child from a children home,move to a bigger home and our baby come one and a few days apart.(Lady at work told husband about this little girl)One day I was satting in front of the school waiting on my joy of a daughter and I reminber this is the school I drove by and there was my little girl.
    In your letter you said there are many baby out there and yes you are right there is.I also not two of my friend was like you and adopted and a birth child come late.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/06/2004]
  9. pegasis

    pegasis New Member

    to know that others have gone through the same thing as I have. You all have happy endings to your stories so, maybe I just have to wait on God's timing for my own? The waiting is so hard but, if you all did it,then I should be able to also right? Why do I think that God has gotton alot of prayers concerning baby's and women wanting to be mommys?
    Also, I know that Patrick is in heaven. I have no doubt of this and when I think of where he is at, I am at peace. It is when I think of where he is not (in my arms) that the greif just gets overwhelming sometimes. And thank God, due to Patrick being alive for 4 days, I got to tell him about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I know that being a little one that he couldn't understand my words but, it was so important to me as a parent to tell my child about them.
    Please continue to keep me and hubby in your prayers.And, know that I will be keeping you in mine also. Your words have touched me deaply and I thank you for coming forward and sharing your pain with me to help me get through mine. Lots of love, gentle hugs, and God's greatest blessings to all, Melody (pegasis)
  10. kim840

    kim840 New Member

    All of the responses to your post are full of sharing of experiences, love for you and understanding for what you are feeling. I'm sure there is nothing more I can add, but here goes.

    As one who has wrestled with the Lord (BECAUSE of his power over life and death) I believe what His Word says, that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of lights.

    When the wrestling was over for me I knew Him in a much deeper, more committed way. And that was after being a devoted Christian for well over 20 years.

    Wrestling with God is the hardest thing I've ever done. And you may end up with some type of scar like Jacob,(his hip) yet just as Jacob went on to become the Father of the Israelites, your wrestling shall also bring forth fruit.

    Praying for you as you wrestle.

    I'm praying that God will minister to you as He did me, in his perfect time and his perfect way.

    And I must say that my heart aches with yours. There is no way of bypassing the pain. Pain and joy are two things that will always be with us. I pray you have much more joy than pain in your life!

    Love in Christ,

    [This Message was Edited on 01/10/2004]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/10/2004]
  11. LPN_11

    LPN_11 New Member

    I know that we have all given you happy endings to stories from our own life, and well at one time I was a very angry person with Heavenly Father over the motherhood issue. I was newly married, we became expectant parents and in the 4th month I miscarried.
    About 5 1/2 years we welcomed Steven to our family of then 8 (stepchildren for me) then we decided that we wanted another child. Yes! even though we already had 9, was I nuts! Yes, nuts about kids. We were fortunate and once again I was expecting a bundle of joy, but at 30 weeks labor set in and could not be stopped and our little girl entered the world, very fragile, very tiny (just over 1 pound). However, the Lord took her home in just a few very short hours. I never got to hold her, just see the tubes and wires. I was soooo angry at this point I NEVER wanted another child, gave all the little baby things away or sold them and was railing at God about how unfair he was to us. Why how dare him take my little one! I was one very mad individual for a long time, well Heavenly Father had a lesson for me- it came in the form of a child named Arlen (gaelic for warrior) he is a little warrior in truth, he loves god soo much, and he reads his scriptures ( this is how this little one learned to read) now is this a lesson for an angry person? Absoulutely! He loves God about as much as I was angry! He taught me that he loves me just as much as I love this little bundle of energy that runs around with his hair on fire and shoes catchin.
    I want to add that my entire quest to have a child spanned two marriages and 13 years, so Heavenly Father really did know what was best for me even if I did not. And I agree, you should join a support group for parents that have lost a Child just as you did it will help you see things clearly and clear the anger from your heart. Please, Please just trust the Lord and he will help, in his time not ours.
    I pray for you and hope that Heavenly Father blesses you in your desire for children Amen
  12. hope4change

    hope4change New Member

    Life can be so unfair, and the hurt you have now is so hard to bear. It's like you have lost another baby, because you really thought you were pregnant, so in your heart it is the death of another hope.

    I had a healthy baby in 1987 (now 16). Then struggled to get pregnant (I had Polycystic ovarian syndrome) then had a miscarriage. Wanted to get pregnant again. Then we had our next son, who was born without eyes. I was totally devastated, and kept asking God "why" all the time, why did this have to happen to me, why now? what did I do wrong? was I being punished? At church we were singing one time "Ascribe greatness to our God the Rock, his work is perfect, and all His ways are just...A God of faithfulness and without injustice, good and upright is He..." I can remember clenching my jaw and feeling as though...how can this be??? If God is good, faithful, without injustice.. then how can I loose a baby then give birth to one who would never see the beautiful world He made??? So many questions at that time. I could not sing that song, I just cried instead. Gradually, it took a while, I began to see the difference between life and God. Yes life is unfair, and unjust, horribly cruel at times. Life can also be great and fun and good as well. It changes. But God does not. He is always good, kind, faithful, loving, and patient. I guess because of free will we've messed up the original plan God had to have a perfect world without sin and suffering. He never wanted that for us. But as a People we get the consequences - death and suffering, even as Christians. And yet I've seen God redeem the awful stuff and turn it around for good. He has used my son, who is blind (I have asked for healing, but the answer is either no or not yet) Many people tell me what a blessing my son is to them, the things he says without seeing. I never thought it could be so. I just wanted you to know I have been to that deep dark place where God seems to be a monster you wonder how you are meant to find faith and trust again. I know. Hang in there. I pray God will comfort you in your loss and rekindle faith and hope. In my loss, and grief, I got a picture in my mind that Jesus was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me and my little boy who had no eyes, and tears were rolling down the Saviour's face - I still love to think of that. He knows your pain, Melody. Prayers and hugs, Hope.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/11/2004]
  13. britt

    britt New Member

    I can feel your anger...I Had a baby His name was Gregory Michael He lived for 3 days after he was born....I did have my first son before that 2 yrs. before that....It didn't make it any easier though, I went through years of questioning and being angry followed by 3 more misscariages..then I just told the Lord I desire to have more children if it be his will for my life and that I handed everything over to him and that in his time if it be that I will have one......WELL 14 years after my first son I had my daughter (now 8) I had alot of problems at first with the pregnancy and I was so scared and emotional...but I named her Brittany which means "strong one" she survived!
    Then 3 years later I got pregnant again I was so excited ...there were 3 of us in the close immediate family to be due around the same time including my grandson(who is now 5, my nephew who is now 5 and my 5 year old cousin....well ...you guessed it I lost the baby and at the same time was diagnosed and very sick with cfs and fibro......well too make a long story short..I had to accept what the LORD had in store for my life...it wasn't easy but I must say that He does give us many blessings ....I will keep you in my prayers...I pray the Lord will bless you and give you his unshakable peace to be able to get through this.
  14. Luann53051

    Luann53051 New Member

    Sending tons of prayers and positive thoughts your way. I will be praying for you, your family, and that you will be blessed with a child. Please do not give up hope. The Lord put you on this earth for a reason. You are a worthwhile woman, and, all of this doesn't make sense, but God does have a plan. You are here, and he has a plan for you. It is just such a struggle to find out what that plan is.

  15. advancewithcourage

    advancewithcourage New Member

    I cried buckets for you when I read your post!

    I lost my first baby in 1992 at 15 days old. I have felt, said and experienced so much of what I hear you saying. It is really hard to lose a first baby and have no little one to hold in consolation. I also experienced infertility after my loss. I had a baby girl later and then lost the next two in the second trimester of pregnancy. I suffered many of the same grief again with each loss. I was angry, questioning, and filled with jealousy toward all women who seemed to have life (or children) handed to them on silver platters.

    First let me say this, God already knows your struggles. You are being honest with Him and that is good. God is more impressed with our honesty than anything else. I think it is right to confess the anger and jealously as sin, but He will be the one who helps you through it. Just take it to him again and again and ask Him to deliver you from the hold it has on your life. Only He can do it.

    It has helped me greatly to try to have a heavenly perspective on things. It has taken many years of growth and healing for me to get here and I still struggle at times.

    Our earthly life is so short (seems so long to us when we are suffering!). God is preparing a people for His kingdom in the future. He will be the ruler in that kingdom. It will be filled with love, perfect peace and joy unspeakable. I think God allows the tough times and trails in our lives to prepare us for that kingdom. We forget that this life is only a school.

    God wants us to be free from all self-will and be surrendered to His will - no matter what that is for our lives. He will often allow really painful circumstances in our lives to accomplish the that goal in our lives. This is how Jesus lived - never doing His will but the Father's each day. Never concerned with himself, but with what the Father had for Him to do each day. The bible says Jesus is our forerunner - having gone before us in this life - he understands all our struggles because he has faced them. Obviously He has not faced every individual circumstance, but he has faced every temptation and form of sin with 100% victory. He knows how hard it is for you to give up your will and say "Not my will be done, but thine" because he faced this same struggle with faced with the pain and torture of the cross. You are facing the cross too! Not the cross of dying for the sins of the world, but the cross of dying to your own plans for your life and accepting His.

    "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it will not bear fruit" Ask God to reveal to you the meaning of this verse in your life. It is only when we allow ourselves to "be put to death" that God can work out His best plans through our lives. It is a daily process.

    It is my prayer for you that you will find a place of peace and rest in your circumstances. THat you will come to trust Him no matter what life holds. I have a friend, who lost 3 babies. She never did have children biologically. She is headed to Ukraine next month to adopt her second child. That child is a much hers as any biological child because God gave it to her.

    God may choose to bless you in different ways. His plan is not the same for all of us. Jacob spent the last years of his life living in the ease and comfort of Egyptian royal housing. Moses spent the last years of his life living in the desert ruling an obstinate ungrateful people with very few comforts of life.

    One thing that has helped me tremendously in working through my grief and anger - and you will unfortunately have to work through it, is to read books on others who have suffered tremendously. One book that really helped me is Evangelist In Chains available from Rod and Staff Publishers. Also Harvey Christian Publishers (has website) makes alot of books on frustrations, suffering, loss, and illness that I have found lifesaving. Maybe you would find some of them helpful. I also enjoy the books and sermons of Zac Poonen - who has helped me to learn how much God loves me even if my circumstances seem to indicate otherwise. He has a site too.

    I have been where you are and I sure can relate to your feelings. I hope that some of the things that God has shown me over the years have been an encouragement to you. 1999 was not too long ago. It has been 12 years since Katie-Lynn died.

    I can tell you that with time you can find joy and peace again if you will seek Him first with all your heart. Seek him, not pregnancy. People used to tell me this and it would make me mad, but it was true. He will show you His will and give you peace in whatever the future holds for you.

    I have found that true peace can never come until we are surrendered to His will. I thought a child would bring me peace, but when I had one, I was so filled with anxiety and fear that she could die that I could not find peace for many years. I was always worried she would die. Especially after a close friend of mine lost 2 out of 3 children in 4 years. We can have true peace no matter what life brings only when His will and glory are more important than anything to us. I think this is what Jesus meant when he said, "If you love mother or father, sister, husband or child more than me, you cannot be my disciple". He loved God more than all these, and we cannot know the peace that comes from following Him in this way until we also rest in the will of the Father. This is not something we can do of our own accord. We just pray that God will bring this about in our lives and surrender to His workings. " He is both the author and the finisher of our faith". He has begun a good work in you and He will finish it!

    All the glory to Him,

    Many hugs and tears for you!