Way too much stress makes too much pain

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Sep 21, 2008.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I was so excited to have my duaghter and her babies come to stay with my hubby and I. Not so thrilled about SIL. But accepted that if she comes so does he. I didn't really know just how much stress causes more pain. MY SIL is a pain in the rear.

    My daughter is married to a guy who abuses her verbaly, mentaly . HE does not hit her but he may as well as he yells at her in front of me {Mother} , grandmother, sisters, the kids who are also abused this way.

    During this time my pain levels shot up and I have been having much uncontrolable pain that usual. I have sat and talked with my daughter about her problems with her husband, I know that she understands that this is not normal in a loving marraige. But she is teh one that is living with the situation and is the one that will have to make the choice about what to do about it.

    It angers me that my SIL does not care who is around when he loses his cool OR mind. And screams , yells degrades her. It does not bother him to have a fight with her when I am around. ONly one day it bothered him and I had to leave the room {it is my house}.

    I wish I could hlep her out and make her see that this is bad for her and her children ages 3 1/2 and 21 months. My little grandson has temper tantrums but no one sees that he is acting just like his dad does and he calms down when he gets his own way. This worries me greatly. But while they were staying here I didn't tell her what I thought.

    She knew that all the negitiveity around here was making me hurt more and be come more emotinal. I don't like being so emotional that I can't function and I cry when I talk. This upsets her so she won't talk if I am going to react with tears.

    They moved in to the new apartment sunday and I hope that she will take some of the advise i gave her about watching out for the things that set him off.

    If she can avoid doing those things that make him in to Doctor Jeckel and Mr Hyde. If she picks up after the kids make a mess and make sure that the house is straighten up when he gets home he may not lose it as often. I hope that it will help her if she does do it and try to do things that don't stres or upset him.

    AFter all it is dumb that he can't pick out his colthes for work in the morning she has to do it. HE works brings home the money so he does not have to do any thing else. She on the other hand is chasing a 3 yr old and a 21 month old all day long who get really hyper and run and screamm alot.

    When dad comes home they miss him and want to have some daddy time but he pushes them away saying he needs to relax and be alone. But dinner better be ready and on the table when he gets there even if she has not a clue when he will be home.
    I thank you for letting me rant and rave about this. Now my meds are kicking in so I am off to bed, finally.Thanks for your time
    Rosemarie[This Message was Edited on 09/22/2008]
  2. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Yes, stress can really do a number on you. I am going through a lot with my family and I sure can relate. Oh, these chilren what they put us through and we have no control.

    My granddaughter we haven't a clue where she is, she has left her 2 small children, which my daughter has custody of. I try to take care of them during the day while she works. She is a widow and has a 16 yr old daughter in school,which is a struggle also.

    With this darn DD I am of no help but to worry and feel bad all the time.

    It has been like a death, this has affected the whole family I don't see how my daughter is holding up as well as she is but we have to because of the little ones. Financially she is suffering big time.

    Their Dad, in name only, has never seen the youngest, he is is jail . I look at my greatgans and my heart just breaks for them. Then the tears , stress triggers all the cfs/fm symptoms

    Guess I needed to vent , sorry, but I sure do feel for you.

    If our children would just listen to us but when they are adults what do we do?

    My prayers are with you,
    [This Message was Edited on 09/22/2008]
  3. jewels920

    jewels920 New Member

    and I hope you are feeling better soon.

    He's a dillweed. But you know what? It won't matter what she does or doesn't do to "set him off". Because it's not about her. It's all about him and his need to feel power over her. There's nothing she can do or not do to change the situation. The change has to come from him.

    I hope there is a solution to this problem--for everyone's sake.

    Try to take good care of yourself in the meantime.

    Love and hugs.

  4. gongee

    gongee New Member

    Funny, I came across this topic as it sure hits home.

    I think stress is one of the worse things for a fibro patient.

    I was having a pity party myself last Friday. I went through all of my losses in the pass five years, a bad car accident, being diagnosed with fibro, having to leave my job of 20 years and go on disablity, financial problems,
    husband's drinking problem, my mother passing away, all my kids that I rarely see or hear from, not being able to see my grandchildren,five surgeries, etc. This stress has made me a big mess not only physically but mentally. I then said to myself, "You have jumped right into a huge hole and it is time to start climbing out and no one can do it for you."

    Since Friday, I have faithfully made an effort every day to be gratiful for what I do have, and turn all problems that I have no control over to God. It isn't going to be an easy climb, but I'm going to give it my all.

    Stress is not welcomed in this home or body ever again. I have lived in a stressful environment for 56 years and I sure don't want the rest of my life that I have left to be the same way. So if I don't try to change things for me, who will?
    [This Message was Edited on 09/22/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 09/22/2008]
  5. chyrel

    chyrel New Member

    Praise God!!! I thought I was the only one!! My daughter, her boyfriend, my 2 granddaughters (who I have helped raise since birth. I was there to see that also.) And of course they brought in 3 full grown golden retrievers!! The dogs are great and the girls really love them, they call them their brothers and they sleep together. I on the other hand am on oxygen 24/7. I am still the one who has to sweep dog hair from the stairs everyday and run the vacuum. My daughter is spoiled and I know that is my fault but I am trying to convince her she is not the first to be pregnant and have 2 already. It is not something she needs to be bedridden for and have mom do all the work. I really don't want my 6 yr old to realize that I am so angry at her mom as she is extremely sensitive to things. Emily has macrocephaly, and loose joints and low muscle tone so she don't need her nana upsetting her!! Didn't mean to jack your post, just letting you know that YES, Stress takes your pain level through the roof.

    soft hugs and may God's angels help you always

    [This Message was Edited on 09/22/2008]
  6. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Thanks for all your helpful comments, I am glad to know that I am not alone here with a stress filled life.
    Chyrel, gongee, jewels920 & greatgran shared with me , parts of your lives that caues you stress, and you showed me how to try and let it go.
    I can relate to each of you and what you said. I too spoiled my daughter , I didn't teach her how to clean how or to keep it clean, I let her do what she wanted to do as it was easier to do it my self than argue with my girls about it.

    I didn't make them go to school when they were in their teens, they hated it and had some issues with middle school and high school, I am not a morning person so if they missed the bus they either had to walk to school or call grandma but she was working back then. So they would stay home, tell me that they didn't feel good and I bought it.
    I am to blame as I didn't make it a bigger deal when they missed school, I even excused them as I didn't want to hear about it. MOm you never get up in the mornings, you are so out of it, MOm you take too many pain pills.
    Sorry I am still stresing over thigs I can't change.

    I hope that each of us can work out the issues that are causeing us stress.
    FOr me it is not getting any better with daughter and SIL out of the house as SIL is still a royal pain in the @##. He knows how to push my daughters buttons and make her suffer for telling me about her life, I am so worried for about the SIL getting so angry that he will become worse and do phyical harm to her or the kids.

    GOing nuts fast and still in pain.
  7. celeste1226

    celeste1226 New Member

    You cant change the past. Whether you did the right thing at the time or not. you can blame yourself but you cant change it. You daughter is the one who has to make the choice. You need to be there for her now. You need to explain what will happen to those children if she stays. Let her know you dont want her to make the same mistakes you did. Let her know how you regret it. She is still young and her children are too. If you have to call child protective services then do so. Maybe that will be an eye opener for her to try and either get counseling for him or get her out. Let her know she has options. she does not have to stay. Its better to be a single parent than to have to live in fear and be degrated in front of everyone especially her children. The kids will grow up and not have respect for herself. She needs help with her self esteem. She deserves better. That is what you need to tell her. Not to make sure the house is clean for him. He is an @## and much worse. We no longer live in the olden days where you had to serve your husband and take the bull he dealt you. Now adays women have options. I was in that situation. My ex was abusive verbally and physically. i had 2 babies ages 2 and 2 weeks old and I finally made the choice to get rid of the husband. I had no job 2 car payments a house payment and many many credit cards. I kicked him out. We were married 3 years before we had kids. The problem got worse when I had my kids. He made me feel like I needed him and no one would want me. Well one day I decided I dont care if no one wants me. My kids need me and I need to do what is best for them. 15 years later my girls are great. No problems with them my current husband adopted them 3 years ago their father never saw them growing up so my oldest has some anger issues but has been in counseling and it has helped her deal with her father leaving her. Let you daughter know there is light at the end of the tunnel. She just needs to look for it. This is the time you need to be there for her and encourage her. Dont nag, just be there to listen and advice.

  8. goldengoddess

    goldengoddess New Member

    My step son is 7, and I have been here for about 3 yrs. He spends 50% of his time here, and the other with his mom. It is a bad situation. He lies, he manipulates, he knew what a joint was by age 5, and that he couldn't be around (not from my house!) But he isn't mine.

    Its hard, but you have to do the best for your grandkids, and if that means they are around their father for a few more years, it means you will have to be there with a firm voice and lots of love to help correct thier behavior.

    The war isn't over. Your daughter will leave him eventually. Right now, she needs to know you support her no matter what! Good luck, my heart goes out to you!

  9. quanked

    quanked Member

    killer they say. I become crankier and crankier and can end up in bed for days. I work at keeping my stress levels down.

    I am concerned about the advice you are giving your daughter. I encourage you to do some research on domestic violence. Your daughter is not responsible for her spouse's bad behavior. I know that you mean well but in a way you are making your daughter responsible for her partner's behavior. She will NEVER be able to control his behavior no matter whether she is perfect or not.

    There is lots of info online. You might want to start with these sites--



    I hope that I have not stepped on your toes here because that is not my intention.

    Rave on Rosemarie! A good rant is sometimes the best medicine.