Well...my hubbie left me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by TxMissy, Feb 3, 2003.

  1. TxMissy

    TxMissy New Member

    Saturday was my birthday and that night he told me that he needed some space and wanted to find someone who is not sick! He thinks that I am not nearly as sick as I say that I am and just wants a NORMAL person in his life! Here he had been very supportive of me and reading on this crude...

    It just broke my heart! I really thought things were going to be better and he was finally coming around and getting an understanding of this.

    Now I am here with no job, no money coming in and my SSD has not been approved and don't know how long that is going to take!

    What a great present, right?

  2. AnnetClo

    AnnetClo New Member

    I know you're going to get some great comforting words about what you're going through, but it makes me so angry that men do the things they do sometimes! (sorry guys). What an insensitive jerk to drop this on you especially on your birthday! Looking for a "normal" person??? Seems to me he's confused....you seem like the normal one to me! You said you're not working and waiting on SSD, so my first suggestion is to GET A GOOD LAWYER! He should definitely have to pay alimony to you as long as you're not working.

    Please don't think that this is in any way your fault! It's not. He's definitely using your illness as an excuse. You are a wonderful person who deserves to have someone love you and take care of you. And there are men out there who would love to do just that!Fibro and all!!! You come and cry on our shoulders or vent and scream anytime you want! We will be here for you and that's a promise!!!

  3. CelticLadee

    CelticLadee New Member

    Just brutal! My heart goes out to you txmissy. Hope you have a good support group (family&friends) around you to help you bear this. Keep us posted here at the board as to how you are doing. We will keep ya in our prayers. Hoping for good things in your future. Blessings. CLD
  4. 57

    57 New Member

    hi, txmissy, i am so sorry you have to go through this but, belive me you do not need this stress. i have the fibro and am in a bad relationship that i am trying to get out of and just know that god will give you the strength to go on. get yourself well and get on with life and you will meet someone that deserves you. i sure hope you do not have young childern that would give you handsfull. take care, sherry
  5. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hi Txmissy~~I wish there were words good enough to heal the pain you must be feeling right now. I have gone through the same heartache, and I know how emotionally-shattering it is to experience. I'm sorry this happened to you.

    In my case, I found out there was more to my husband leaving than he was honest enough to say. Although, like yours, my husband blamed me--dumped the guilt-trip on me....I later found out that he already had a woman on the side and had had her for some time. She was younger than me (and I was 10 years younger than him), was full of vitality, energy, and all the things that I used to be. So, don't blame yourself....there is probably more to this than meets the eye.

    Men who love you just don't walk out.

    The other thing that strikes me as especially cruel is that it seems he wanted to hurt you--telling you on your Birthday--that is a real slap in the face. He knew he could have waited another day--or week. However, as my Mother used to say, "A hard-on has no conscience" (no offense intended to men who not like this), and as a therapist it appears to me that he wanted to hit you when he knew it would hurt the most. My husband (whom I 'thought' I knew) left me the day I got out of the hospital after a massive miscarriage and a radical hysterectomy. I was already suffering tremendous grief & loss from losing my only baby, and my ability to ever have children--and the very day I got home from the hospital, he hit me with "needing some space...blah, blah, blah". He didn't have the guts to tell me the truth...that he had been cheating on me for quite some time, and that he had the hots for this other girl--young enough to be his daughter.

    And as much as it hurt, and I grieved, and cried, and went into a clinical depression--I finally realized that I had never really known him at all. When I asked myself, "Would you really take a man like that back?" My answer was "No!" And after realizing it wasn't my fault, but his own wayward ways--I began to focus on dealing with the heartache, grief & loss, betrayal, and allowing myself to heal emotionally. About the time I could get through a day without crying and was beginning to look at my options for a new life--he wanted me back. And, I told him that he just wasn't the man for me; I couldn't live with a man I no longer respected, or trusted, nor one that could be so cruel; that obviously I had never known him--for the man I "thought" I had married would have never been so cruel and uncaring...expecially when I had needed him the most.

    I never went back to him though he continued to try for over a year to get us back together. This was not the man for me....I deserved better. Plus, I felt that if he would do it once--he would do it again. {And sure enough he did--to his next wife...and the next.} Instead, I continued to work through the pain and make a new life for myself. And, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I went on to graduate school, became a therapist, made good money, had my own financial independence, and became my own person. Later on down the road, I reunited with the love of my life, and though he has his faults as I do~~he stands by me through sickness & health, is emotionally supportive, loving, and spiritually we are on the same Journey in life.

    Being Native American, I believe that through his own faults, my husband had to leave in order for me to answer the calling to help others by becoming a therapist, to foster my own growth, and to make room for the love of my life to return to me.

    Though it is extremely difficult to see through the midst of tears and heartache you are now feeling, I do believe that all things happen for a purpose, and how you handle this life experience will determine how you come out of it--broken or stronger; defeated or more courageous; dependent or independent; a shadow of yourself or your own Person.

    And after some time has passed, ask yourself honestly... if he were to want you back saying all the right words and making all the usual promises~~~is THIS the KIND of MAN you want for yourself--that you want to invest the rest of your life with? When you add up all that you gave to him, and what you got back in return....you may find that you deserved better right from the start.

    In the meantime, grieve & cry, allow the emotions to flow out of you (do not STUFF the feelings), let the anger come forth, and process the heartache one day at a time. You will find that the pain is not a bottomless pit, and the sun does shine again. Be around people who love you, support you, encourage you, and stand by you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim of his blaming that may find out was only a smoke screen to hide his own betrayal.

    No one can help being sick. If the shoe were on the other foot--would you have left him...much less in such a cruel manner as to deliberately hurt him? We are not ill because we choose to be--we are ill because we are.

    Be kind to yourself; be gentle with your feelings; talk to people you trust and come to the Board and let it all out. We love you; we care; we know what you are going through, and we'll be here for you. You are not alone.

    There IS life after being abandoned--you just have to discover it and rediscover yourself. In the meantime, get a good attorney--for you have documentation that you have a chronic illness; that he supported you financially; that you are in the process of waiting for disability determination, and your attorney will know how to get allimony for you to see you through financially. Even if you are not ready to file for divorce yet, get an attorney and file for separate maintenance--that way he will still have to support you financially. For even in the woes of heartache, there is a part of you that has to think & function in practical ways in order to survive financially. So, don't sit in the dark wondering how you are going to make it money-wise. Get an attorney and get the money flowing in. That will be one less heartache for you to deal with.

    Take care of yourself Missy, and may God comfort you and hold you in the palm of His Hand as you go through this experience. Blessings to you, Carol...

  6. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    I am so sorry to hear this news; my husband left me last year. I think you are getting some good advice from the folks who have already been through this; it is still too soon for me to have recovered or to give you any sane advice.

  7. debbiem31

    debbiem31 New Member

    Sorry, sweetie. You deserve better... Keep coming here for as much support as you need.
    LOL, Debbie
  8. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am so sorry. My husband left me 17 years ago, and now, I celebrate that fact, but I remember how painful it was at the time. I send you my prayers. There is life after hubby leaves. Just have faith that everything is as it should be even though it's awfully hard to see it sometimes. My prayers are with you.

    Love, Mikie
  9. pearls

    pearls New Member

    This is so sad and I don't know what to say, except for one thing. I agree with whomever said to get a good lawyer. You may think you can't afford one. The truth is, you can't afford not to have one. Perhaps one will work with you on a "pay-later-if-you-win" basis. I don't know. You need to at least look into it.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Soft, very soft, hugs,
  10. susabar

    susabar New Member

    Dear Txmissy...
    I am so sorry to hear of this but let me tell you, I am married for the second time, and if this were my first husband he would have done the same thing. As it turns out Txmissy he asked me for a divorce on Valentine's Day... ( so he could run off with his girl friend) At any rate... I too was heart-broken, but it turned out to be the best thing the man ever did for me !!! Trust me on this... I feel so badly that you are sick though, that makes it 10x tougher. I pray that you will be provided for !!!
    Love Sue
  11. selma

    selma New Member

    That he doesn't know what marriage is about.
    He wanted only the good times.
    Trust in yourself. You thought that he would come around.
    You knew he hadn't yet.
    I'm praying that your faith will help you thru this.
    Believe. Love, Selma
  12. lunabella

    lunabella New Member

    i'm so sorry TXmissy. what a low blow.

    we can only hope that this is the worst it gets, and that things get better for you, starting today...!
    maybe somehow this is a change that is needed, & however painful it is now, it'll somehow be easy to understand why, when looking back.

    i bet many of us have heard the thing about "wanting someone normal" (i know i have!) it sucks!!!! how about wanting someone COMPASSIONATE???
    guess it really takes someone being in your shoes to really understand.

    and of course, we all hope that if this is really the end of the relationship, that you'll meet a really great & understanding guy right around the corner... who really DOES mean the "in sickness & in health" part!

    well, use this time as an excuse to pamper yourself as much as possible... you're gonna need all you can get!!

    take care & let us know how it goes...


    p.s. and ***HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!*** :)
  13. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    I read your profile and you seem like a great lady with a lot to offer. It`s his lose not yours. When something like this happens it`s so hurtful. But I always believe everything happens for a reason...that there is someone better out there for you.
    So take the high road and know that we`re thinking of you here and praying for you to help you through this.

  14. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    You have gotten some very good advice here. You deserve a man of character, and a man of his word. Marriage is not about just the good times, it calls for endurance and love in the face of adversity.

    After you have grieved this loss, and betrayal, doors will open for you that you cannot imagine, now.

    Heed the advice of taking especially good care of yourself during this time.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you,
    Best wishes,
  15. Fibromiester

    Fibromiester New Member

    You must be in so much turmoil! Please be calm,and do turn to the Lord. Life is Hard, but God is Good. My hubby "left" me emotionally and every other way- except he's still coming home from work every night, about 2 months ago. I kinda wish he WOULD leave. He's SLOWLY killing me. I have no idea what is going on...when I have pressed him, he says everything is fine! But he ignores me, and never touches me, never talks to me...it's like I'm not here any more.
    I'm sorry for your pain. You have sharp pain. I pray the Lord will heal you quickly with true love that will love in sickness and in health! You are in no way to blame for this and should in no way be punished...HE left and by law, HE will have to take care of you! Get that Lawyer Tomorrow!!
    Much Love to you, Txmissy!
  16. dolsgirl

    dolsgirl New Member

    so sorry to hear. I know it happens to alot of people. Know that you're in our thoughts. dolsgirl

    HURTSALOT2 New Member

    txmissy I am so sorry he did this to you. What goes around comes around. Someday he will have his heart broken too.
    Take care.
  18. PatPalmer

    PatPalmer New Member

    So sorry, hopefully he may realise what he`s done, it`ll come back on him, i`ve been through it too and it does.
    The stress isn`t going to help you in any way and nothing I say can help. Wish we had a spare room to say move in here.

    Lots of love and huge hugs

    Pat. x
  19. PatPalmer

    PatPalmer New Member

    So sorry, hopefully he may realise what he`s done, it`ll come back on him, i`ve been through it too and it does.
    The stress isn`t going to help you in any way and nothing I say can help. Wish we had a spare room to say move in here.

    Lots of love and huge hugs

    Pat. x
  20. phenom

    phenom New Member

    all my thoughts are with you in this hard time, hang in there.