What are your "WHAT IFs"

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by auntcon, Oct 12, 2005.

  1. auntcon

    auntcon New Member

    My what if's keep me at home sometimes.

    I used to be the 1st person out the door. Loved Road Trips etc.

    NOW I'm afraid.

    WHAT IF

    I faint at the mall.

    I get light headed

    I get hurt (CAN'T EVEN think of adding any more PAIN to what I have now)

    I need to function to help someone else. (yesterday an older lady fell right in front of us. I couldn't even help her to get up. My daughter and her daughter did.

    I can't think of the right thing/word/etc to say.

    SO guess what the focus is on ME but it's so hard to not focus on how you feel and be there for someone else.

    ANY IDEAS
    Connie
  2. orachel

    orachel New Member

    and want to drift off to sleep (as if! LOL) as happy as possible tonite...but boy oh boy do I have "what ifs"!

    I'll come back to this post tomorrow...

    Please keep bumped. This is a pretty hidden aspect of what we all fear....if its out here, it might help someone else, and then its not bottled up inside anymore.

    Excellent post, Connie!!!
    Rachel

    Ps...if you're in a bummy mood right now (as sooo many of us are lately!) hop into Katelmac 329's Baby shower post. We're planning an online baby shower for one of our members who's fm has her with limited friends and missing some family support. We're having a blast in there planning, and need all the help we can get! Especially that of a clearly compassionate mom and grandma such as yourself!

    Hugs,
    Rachel
  3. MKlady

    MKlady New Member

    I get there and can't get home (too tired, too sick)?

    I do it and then can't do anything else for a month or more afterward?

    I can't work, can't pay the bills, can't pay the mortgage and have to move (using what for energy)?

    I make a total fool of myself or, heaven-forbid, hurt someone (brain fog)?

    There are more, but those are the worst!
  4. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    What if...

    ...I can't ever be a good parent? (pain makes me too crabby)

    ...my hubby stops seeing me as a partner and starts seeing me as a liability?

    ...no one wants to be around me because I'm not much fun and in order to keep myself in top "running" form I have to always think of myself?

    ...this pain never ends?


    I'm also going to have to second the bathroom fear... it really makes social situations stressful.

  5. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    I fall asleep driving?

    I get carried away and have terrible pain for days after?

    I get lost and can't figure out where I am?

    and all the posts before apply, too.

    Here's a question:

    What am I willing to miss by being so afraid?

    is the answer "everything?" no no no!
  6. SoxFan

    SoxFan New Member


    I never get better?
  7. solockedup

    solockedup New Member

    What if...
    I decide to ignore my parents and blast japanese heavy metal all day long.
    I take a long and deserving nap after hours of doing exercises
    I can't write anymore (NOOOO!!)
    I lose my mind because I can't write anymore
    I go on a road trip with my freinds and end up in a flare
    I learn how to play my guitar then...after a while I forget again.
  8. dancingstar

    dancingstar New Member

    What if everything I'm doing to get better isn't really working and I'm fooling myself?

    What if I lose my clients and can't support myself cause my health isn't consistently strong enough to take care of my business?

    What if I never make a new social life for myself cause I hurt too badly, get tired, and don't want to leave home?

    What if I get tired once I'm out and can't get home?

    What if I go out for the evening and it sets me back an entire week?

    What if the same exercise that made me feel great last time makes me hurt so badly next time that I'm stuck in bed for a few days until I recover again.

    What if I get old and I'm stuck here all alone.

    What if I run out of everything I need during a bad period and I can't even change my clothes to leave and get more of anything.

    ...they go on and on and on...and I'm feeling great today :)
  9. orachel

    orachel New Member

    And rileyearl's last "what if" is the kicker. Its important to acknowledge these fears, and do what we can to prevent them from coming true...but we cannot allow our lives to be "governed" by fear...that is the DD winning, and I personally refuse to let that happen!!!

    Here goes...

    What if...I'm never strong enough to carry, bear..and most importantly care for a child.

    What if...My loving wonderful husband continues to retreat into work and pull away from me in an effort to "escape" this terrible DD that is affecting BOTH of our lives.

    What if...My extreme levels of pain that i've been suffering for 4 mos straight never lessen?

    What if...Those extreme levels of pain cause me to have a heart attack or stroke at an extremely young age (my mom died in perfect health of cardiac arrest at age 36)

    What if...My desire to learn about and arm myself against this illness turns into an all consuming obsession with this illness...at the exclusion of all of the wonderful blessings that I want to return to health to embrace?

    What if...My husband leaves me. Simply cannot endure any more "sickness" in his life and leaves me?

    What if...We lose our house...everything we've worked for, and have no credit or money to get even a decent apartment?

    What if...I never find the "right" doctors, the "right" treatment plan, and must spend the rest of my life in this "halflife" state I'm in right now?

    What if...I really just cannot stand it any longer...


    Those are my what ifs....
  10. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Dear, sweet Rachel,
    I saw your wedding picture on your profile and don't worry, I'm not *that way*..but you are a breathtakingly beautiful lady. To think that this DD exercises no descrimination in who it attacks is fair, I suppose, but it really pains me to see a young person and/or a newlywed be stricken with it.

    I have also read your posts and you seem to be so very compassionate and giving to everyone and that makes my heart break for you as well. You seem to have really been hit hard by fibro and I just wanted to go OT for a moment and tell you how very sorry I am that you are having to do the "what ifs" as well as everyone else here!

    My biggest "what if" is that I worry that this is it for me. Pessimistic sounding, I know, but I once had such a vital, interesting life. I stayed on top of things, my home, my family life, my job and now there is no job, my home is a wreck, no social life other than church and I feel as if my dear and loving husband has had to do far more than his share to accommodate all of my needs and shortcomings now for about ten years.

    So I do understand where you and all posters are coming from. The what ifs really stem from our fear of the unknown, as well as the known fact that we have so very far to go in validation and education when it comes to research for fibro. Just like all of us, I am sure, I would love nothing more than to have at least a part of my old life back and to feel useful again. I want to help, rather than to need helping, once again. I just hate thinking this is what my life is going to be like from now until the end.
  11. lauralea443

    lauralea443 New Member

    What if I cant work anymore

    What if I get Alzhiemer's like my mom

    What if I can't take care of mom anymore

    What if the house get so dirty it makes me sicker (LOL)

    What if the doctor says I don't need these meds anymore

    What if I forget to take my meds

    What if they find a cure------will we ever talk again?


    Blessings
    Laura
    [This Message was Edited on 10/13/2005]
  12. Shannonsparkles

    Shannonsparkles New Member

    I was scared that this is a fatal illness when I got diagnosed. This is a poem I wrote during that time. It's about being housebound too.

    What If?

    What if I die?
    What if I die before I even know
    What's going on?
    What if the disease is
    Stronger than me,
    Too mysterious
    To understand
    Too old, too hidden, and me
    Too weak to fight?
    What if I
    Am trapped forever in Limbo
    Not able to move right or left
    Or get outside.
    What if no one remembers I am here
    And the time passes
    And leaves drop
    And I expire with a sigh
    That touches no one?
    What if I leave off searching
    And let this illness cover over me
    Of my own accord
    Without ever knowing
    What was wrong
    Without ever trying
    To stand, to turn, to fight it.

    What if this is all I get?
    What if I stay here
    Grow old and crumpled in
    This same chair, my drool falling
    Down into these same pajamas
    With no one to let me out?

    What if my mind leaves me
    And I can't speak anymore
    Or ask, or read?
    What if my limbs fail from under me
    And I can't walk these stairs
    Or turn to open a door?
    What if I die here
    In my home
    With no one
    To remember me
    No little dog
    To cry doggie tears
    Over his mistress
    No little bird
    To remember I was?

    What if I never was?
  13. keke466

    keke466 New Member

    I have to agree with mklady.
    What if I can't work anymore?
    What if I can't pay my motgage?
    Pay my bills,have to move and where will I get the energy to do that?
    What if I get more brain fogged than I already am and can't keep up with bills and so on?
    What if I have no family to take me in? Which is a big possibility.

    I also think about the what if I hadn't got this DD. What would I be doing now? That's so depressing also cause I know where I could be and what I could have if this hadn't happened. Do you think about that too?


    Take care Keke
  14. orachel

    orachel New Member

    Lurker....i cannot thank you enough for your kind words. Yeah...you betcha...its rough. Its rough on all of us, and our families, and our friends.

    Aaah...such is life. I do let it get me waaay down sometimes, but for the most part, i really do try to keep things in perspective, and stay as positive as I can.

    Avoiding falling into lasting depression over it (so far...thank goodness! That is so hard to bear as I've been there before) is one thing, but the terrible anxiety of all of our 'what ifs' and the sheer logistics of trying to live some sort of a life within the limitations of this DD...that's a whole nother thing...I'm anxious, all right! But, my Phd in pain mgmt just referred me to a great psychiatrist who specializes in chronic pain...she has a group session with other chronic pain sufferers...many of whom have fm! So excited about that!

    And by the way....Your post about "what are you proud of"...thinking that way is the only way I keep from falling into the abyss. I can't do that...I don't deserve it, and my family certainly doesn't deserve it. So, we redefine our successes, and love ourselves for everything we CAN DO! And, like you and others on this board, what i've realized is that every once in a while, I can brighten someones day on here, or give someone advice....or give someone the GREAT feeling of altruism by reaching out to them for advice or support.....We are a FMily....Thank goodness for all of you.

    Huge hugs and thanks for your kind words.....
    Rachel


    And Shannonsparkles....I have no words for that poem. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard...but in a cleansing cathartic way. You managed to capture exactly the "secret little fears" that hide away in me....I work so hard to keep them at bay, but they exist, all the same. Thank you for your incredibly generous decision to share this poem. I hope you don't mind, but I did copy it into a word document...I think reading it will give my husband a bit more of a glimpse into my soul at this part of my life. Of course, I did call it Shannonsparkles What if poem....and will never reproduce it. But if you'd rather I not have a copy outside of this forum I'd totally understand that. Honey, you should have that published. I can think of a number of publications that might be interested....Like i said, you just put into words (and beautiful ones, at that!) every terror that lurks inside me. I do have the "oomph" to fight this right now. I dont have the energy, or the ability to withstand the pain...but I'm hanging in there. This poem reminds me just how vitally important it is that I KEEP FIGHTING.

    Thank you so much for sharing that...
    Hugs,
    Rachel
  15. meowchowchow

    meowchowchow New Member

    What if my fiancee and I get married in January and I'm stealing a fun life away from him?

    What if I'm too tired to work again?

    What if I decide to have a baby and then am too tired to care for it? That's my big worry.

    What if I can never exercise again and I die of heart disease?

    What if I can never go dancing again?

    What if I can never go to a bar with my friends again and get rip roaring drunk?
  16. auntcon

    auntcon New Member

    Thank you for helping me to realize that my deep fears are shared. I read this with my daughter tonight and we both cried. It helped her to realize some of the things I hadn't written and even for me to understand too.

    Thank everyone for sharing... I really don't identify with wanting to listen to japanese heavy metal though LOL
    (48 yrs young-- my heavy metal days are in the past... as are those rip roaring drunk days... BECAREFUL of mixing alchol and drugs very dangerous.)

    RACHEL I HOPE you are seeing a HEART Dr. You are to precious to us.

    I LOVE THE POEM thank you for sharing. YES YES YES that is so how I feel... I've so lost my friends. I just don't have the energy to keep up with them.
    BUT GET A DOG while I was crying ours came over to check on me. they are worth the bother.

    I love the words of encouragment the fact that we still have HOPE

    I think God gives me an up day before I come to the end of my rope so I can remember what I used to be like.

    WE ARE FMily
    Connie



  17. libra55

    libra55 New Member

    What if:

    I can never work again.

    I can't find a public restroom (Crohn's and irritable bladder)

    My daughter never becomes able to live independently (she has Asperger Syndrome) - this is a huge worry.

    My husband leaves us.

    I'm sure there's more just can't think right now.

    Michelle
  18. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Here is a thought which my mother has often shared with me.
    She would say "you can "what if" yourself right into a breakdown or you can take each day as it comes and deal with it." I do believe that would be easier said than done when you do not deal with chronic pain or illness. But what if none of our worst "what ifs" come true? Wouldn't that be wonderful?

    "What if" I had to begin using a cane? (I would pick out the prettiest, girliest looking one I could find. If I could not find a pretty one, I would find a way to paint it, cover it with a pretty fabric and make it all my own.)

    "What if" I wound up with no choice but to use a wheelchair? (Again, decorate it somehow, make it a conversation piece. If I have to spend time in it, why not make it interesting?)

    "What if" I cannot leave my house due to the IBS? Now that one I am already dealing with. As a result, I have two very dear phone friends as well as all of you wonderful people I have met on-line. Friendships are to be cherished so while I have lost time outside my home, I have also learned who my real friends are.

    There are so very many "what ifs" in life. And please do not think for one moment that I am attempting to make light of our fears. I would never do that. I have my fears too, and I will not deny that for one second! But today, I want to put my fears aside and just deal with today. It is not a perfect day and there is pain. I have already made my five trips to the bathroom and I hope I am through with that part, at least until I have to eat again. But I am also aware that today I want to feel a little joy because despite it all, I am alive!
  19. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    You are so very welcome hon and everything I said to you came straight from the heart. I have so much respect for everyone on this board and all who are fighting this fight!

    When I directed a local fibro support group I came up with the slogan "we're not lazy, we're not crazy, we have fibro." We must never beat ourselves down for what we cannot do, but pat ourselves on the back for what we manage to despite this DD! I will never stop hoping because it is what keeps me going!
  20. Empower

    Empower New Member

    Connie,

    I SURE do hear you! These are my thoughts and fears daily!

    When I start this "fortune telling", I turn it around and say, "what if I DON"T get lightheaded, what if I don't faint? What if I actually have a good time?

    And I always try to remember what a therapist once told me, "if it DOES happen, surely there will be someone around to help you"