What do I do? Need Advise!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by luv2float, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. luv2float

    luv2float New Member

    Bottom line is, do I take care of my parents, or take care of myself? Right now I am under so much stress that it is affecting me both mentally and physically, bad!

    I have lived with them for over 3 years now. They are 89 and 85. My mother drives me crazy!!! She always puts me down and treats me like a kid, I'm 52 and totally disabled from fibromyalgia, CFS, IBS, arthritus, depression, etc. They do not have the money for assisted living and I'd hate to think of nursing care. Do I stick it out or go out on my own? They can't cook or clean and neither can I.

    They can't afford maids, etc. Do I keep going at my expense? What would you do. Need some opinions. Please help.
  2. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    luv2....i am sorry! i am going to be in the same boat soon...my mom is 75 and i am too sick to do anything. SHe takes care of me!

    what i would do is...try to hang on a little while longer because i really think this XMRV thing is going to pan out. maybe in a year or two, you will start to get well again...?

    i have visited some residences for the elderly. my mom also cannot afford thousands a month for the nice assisted living places but i eventually found a place that was really nice and affordable. they are more for independant living but you can make your own arrangements through various government agencies for personal help.

    also, i found quite a few government organizations that offered in-home counseling, transportation, and occupational therapy for the elderly. i called and signed my mom up. most services are free.

    our place is a mess now..i used to keep everything spotless...but i have to just get used to the mess.

    it is not good that your parents are not emotionally supportive - that can really make things much worse. are you in a house where you can just shut yourself off in another part of the house? can you somehow tune them out?

  3. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    luv2float - Are one or both of your parents mentally competant? If so, have you talked to them about the current situation? Most seniors do not want to go into a retirement home so maybe if they realized that you were considering moving out and would no longer be there to care for them, they might be more willing to make changes.
  4. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    That's a tough situation!
    You absolutely have to take care of yourself or you're no good to anyone. This stress isn't helping you at all, I'm sure it's making you worse actually.

    A couple of questions:
    How is your parents' health, both physically and mentally? You mentioned nursing care, so I'm assuming they have some sort of issues. There are in home services in most cities so that your parents can stay in their home as long as they're safe.
    Do your parents own their home?
    Could they sell it and move to a smaller place to be able to afford some different things - a housekeeper, twice a month to help with the heavier duties? (if they have some equity in their home)
    They should be able to get Meals on Wheels at least for one good meal a day. Do you have something like that in your area? There should be some senior resources to help them with some of their needs.
    Are you able to afford your own place? Did you move back in with them to help them? Do you have any other siblings who are willing to help out with them at all?

    I can imagine how difficult this is for you. We so want to help our parents in their older years. It's not an easy task. You're lucky they at least have each other. It's really important though that you do think of yourself because of your health situation. It's hard enough on healthy children.

    I guess what I would do is check into all of the options/resources available to your parents should you not live there. Ask their Dr. for some help if you don't know what to do. At least you'll have some good information to help you make a decision. If you know that they'll be taken care of, you'll feel better about moving. You can then have a little more removed contact with them if that's what you need and might have a better relationship?

    There's certainly a lot to think about - but arm yourself with information, then you can decide.
    In the meantime, have a serious talk with both of them and tell them how you don't like being treated the way you're being treated!
  5. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    this must be a very struggling decision. Only you know how much you can take living like this.

    If you hate to think of nursing care, possibly may be best to take a visit to a nursing care and see if you still feel so doubtful of this as a decision needed.

    These are not easy decisions to make, although you do need to care for youself.

    Stress is not good, be easy on yoursef sorting through all of this.

    Many Hugs to you
  6. HeavenlyRN

    HeavenlyRN New Member

    Idon't know where you live, but in our town we have many organizations to help with situations just like yours. We have "Eldercare," "Lifespan," Lifetime Assistance," etc. You might even see if your community has an eldercare ombudsman.

    As a former long term care nurse, I saw many families have to make quick decisions about care when one spouse breaks a hip and can't go home either for a long time, or forever. Home Care Agencies will not accept a patient if it is considered an "unsafe discharge." What that means is that if the spouse at home cannot care for the recovering spouse, then that is considered and unsafe discharge. If the bedroom and the only bathroom are on the 2nd floor, that would be considered an unsafe discharge. What can often happen is that the "sick" spouse ends up staying thethe facility (usually a nursing home) and the other spouse stays home - often unable to care for him or herself.

    Due to things like that, it might be worth a discusion with your parents as a pre-emptive strike. Explain to them what might happen if one of them should have to be hospitalized. Because once you are in the "system" it's hard to get out.

    As my parents got older and it was obvious my mother was getting more and more arthritic, I worked very hard to convince them to move out of their 3 storey home into a ranch home. They had it built and it is handicapped accessible. My 85 year old mom now has dementia and my 84 year old dad is her sole caretaker. He has refused to let anyone into the house to help with groceries, laundry, etc. He's a stubborn as a mule! I've gently warned him that he will need to accept help at some point in the future, especially if he wants to keep my mom out of a nursing home.

    Sorry - didn't mean to make this all about me. I wish you luck. Don't hesitate to post again as new issues arise. I'm sure a lot of us here are going through something similar.
  7. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Bottom line ... you need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to give your parents any type of help.

    All of the other posters have given you some good advice.

    Since they do not have any money for assisted living, and they are 85 and 89, I am sure that their doctor would approve of them being placed in a nursing home. If you do not have any money, Medicaid will pay for the nursing home, I believe. I am not certain about all of the nursing home regulations in every state, though.

    My grandmother went to a nursing home when she was in her 80s. She didn't want to go at first, but after she got there, she was able to go to their recreation room and make friends, and was then content enough to stay.

    If the nursing home doesn't work, would Medicare pay for home health care a couple times a week. My mother-in-law had them coming to her house twice a week for a few years before she died and I think Medicare paid for it.

    While you are living with them; however, I would not tolerate her talking to you in a way that it puts you down and be treated like a child. I would have a firm talk with her and tell her that things must change in your household if they (parents) want you to continue living with them, and put your foot down that you will no longer stand for the way she talks to you, etc. If she continues to talk to you like that, just ignore her. Your silence and actions (like ignoring her) may get her to quit. She may talk to you like this just to see you get upset--she might enjoy seeing you get upset. Old people can be like that--it's a mental change in some--going back to their childhood actions--or they get just plain mean!

    I agree with others on trying to get Meals on Wheels to come in for their lunches, and possibly yours.

    Good luck.