WHAT DO I SAY...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by petsrme, Dec 31, 2005.

  1. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    to my husband when he asks why I can't do something as simple as a load of laundry? I sometimes forget how bad it is for me. I will even doubt myself and think maybe I have gotten lazy. I know I am sick, but sometimes I doubt myself. I guess it is self esteem issues. I don't know.

    My husband gets frustrated because I let the laundry pile up on top of everything else. He works very hard and has started doing many of my chores. He keeps the laundry room straightened up and puts away most of the clothes. I let the laundry pile up sky high and when I do do a load I dump all the dirty clothes in the floor to sort them. I then leave the ones that I don't wash in the floor. He gets upset and asks why I don't put them back in the hampers. His famous words to me are: "I know you don't feel good honey, but I know you can do a load of laundry and put the dirty clothes back in the hamper. You can't be that sick."

    Well, I usually will think he's right and wonder to myself why do I leave the clothes laying there and why does it take me so long to get up the strength to a load? Tonight reminded me why and I am writing it down here to remind myself. Pain goes away in my mind. It is kind of like childbirth and I forget how bad it is. I went to the laundry room about one hour ago and sorted a bit and put in a load. By the time I was done my back was aching and I was hurting in my shoulders too. It wasn't too bad, but I could feel it and I didn't feel like putting the unwashed ones back in the hamper. I thought I would do it when I went back to dry them. I just went back out there to put the washed load in the dryer. Some of them need to be air dryed so I have to put them on hangers and hang on a rack.

    I put the ones that could be dried in the dryer and took the ones that had to be hung and hung them on hangers. There were about six pieces to be hung up. This all took me less than ten minutes and in less than two minutes my lower back was feeling like it had been snapped in half and my shoulders and arms were burning. I was literally in tears. I got upset and thought, "THIS is why I don't feel like doing laundry and this is why I don't feel like putting the clothes back in the hamper!" So the clothes are lying in the laundry room out of the hamper and I am sure I will get a lecture tomorrow about how it can't be that hard to put a few clothes back in a hamper. I wish he could understand how it CAN be that hard. I know he means well, but it still is so frustrating. My back pain has subsided, but my shoulders are still hurting. It was such a relief to sit back down.

    Thanks for listening. I am going to read this whenever he asks me that question. I think I will make him read it too. LOL!
    [This Message was Edited on 01/01/2006]
  2. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thank you for your suggestions and support. I knew you guys would understand. It is so hard to adjust isn't it? I have been dealing with this since about 1997 and I still can't get used to it.

    Fight4acure, I am a little embarrassed to admit how much and where my husband works because it makes me look even worse. He is a market manager over six restaurants and he is literally on call seven days a week, 24 hours a day except for Christmas day. He works seven days a week averaging all told 15 or more hours a day. It is not all labor intensive work, but is a lot of phone calls, paperwork, store visits, with a little cooking (just because he likes to know how the employees feel) and customer service on top of that. He was supposed to be on vacation this week but he has gotten at least 20 phone calls a day from work and has had to spend at least five hours a day in his home office doing paperwork. I have gotten to the point that I detest his company (he has been with them for almost 17 years, but I know he does more than is expected of him and it is not all their fault).

    I used to take pride in the fact that I did all the yard work, house work and also worked outside the home. That made me feel good because I knew I was doing all that he couldn't do since he was working so hard. I felt equal to him. Now I feel like he is working his butt off and doesn't even have the support at home he used to have. Our yard suffers and our home because he has never been one to do stuff at home even if he did have time, but he is doing way more than he used to have to. I realize you probably didn't need all of that to answer your question, but I just wanted to explain. I feel bad for making him do all of it, but I honestly don't have a choice anymore.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/02/2006]
  3. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    I love you Mable! You are so refreshing and just tell it like it is! You are right, though.
  4. shep

    shep New Member

    Tell him you are sure that if he can manange all those restaurants and all those employes that he surley can manage a load of laundry! hehe Then go lay down and rest.
    Love ya,
    Shep
  5. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    no matter how small.What I mean is I do it every day so I can do it.

    I cannot do large loads.

    When I first got sick it piled up.Told DH to get it all done than I would keep up with it.

    If theres one pr slakes 2 undies and 2 shirts .I do the wash.

    Ask him to get it all caught up than you take over and do what ever clothes are there every day.Its easy that way.

    Sue
  6. jhmitch

    jhmitch New Member

    If it is any consolation, you aren't alone in feeling this way. My husband is employed full-time but I haven't worked outside the home for over a year and I often feel guilty about the things that I used to be able to do but can't handle anymore.

    Our house has gone from really streamlined to cluttered since reaching or walking (I also have bad osteoarthritis of the knees and back) has become a "big deal" for me. Cleaning house has become a major project, too, so I know how you feel.

    It isn't so much what my husband says but how I feel (guilty) that makes me unhappy.

    Wendy mentioned "pacing yourself" and that may be the only way to get through the laundry. Work until you begin to ache then take a break...immediately.

    She also had a great suggestion with the shelf or table near the laundry. Would your husband set up a "work-smart" fibro-friendly area where you do your laundry? Just having access to a nearby chair when you are tired and a shelf or table for folding, might help you get more done with less pain, because you'd have everything right there.

    We had the washer and dryer moved upstairs from the basement. Now there is a table where I can sort clothes (and a chair where I can sit down to do this when I'm tired and hurting). It has made life a little better for me.

    Another thing that has helped (especially with back pain) is buying one of those "grabber" sticks (the kind used for reaching and picking-up things). On days when I'm really hurting, I use it to pick up clothing from the floor - it saves a lot of bending.

    Best wishes for a solution!

    Janice
  7. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Hi Pets. I read your bio and see your birthday is coming up on the 14th HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mine is the 24th.

    When I was having Severe pain (like bone crushing pain) I just paced myself.

    I didn't read all of your other posts, so if this is a repeat, then forgive me.

    Just do one load a day, or two. If your husband makes enough money, then hire someone to come in and help you.

    Get your kids to help. I don't have any, but I'm o.k. enough now to do my laundry.

    Hire someone if you can.

    Hugs,
    Kendra
  8. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    rearrange the chores at our house.. We hire the town drunk to do the yard.. This frees up Joe to help more in the house. I moved the dryer into the kitchen.. YUP! Right in the kitchen..(next to the table and CHAIRS!) but the washer is still in a detached garage across the yard.

    Joe washes the clothes and puts them in the dryer for me and throws them on the couch when they are done... I can sit and fold and hang a bit at a time till they are done. (I've learned to keep my mouth shut when a red sock ruins a load..)

    We use paper plates and take every short cut I can think of in the kitchen.. I pay my 15 year old to do the bathroom, and she vacuums/mops once a week..

    My house is not as clean as it used to be. I've had to lower my standards a bit..but it is liveable.. It's hard on our spouses.. we don't look as sick as we feel..
    Good luck Pets..

    Hugs!
    Dona
  9. patches25

    patches25 New Member

    I am sorry that I don't know what to say to hubby but the advise to do laundry frequently is good. I do some nearly every day. There is nothing to be ironed. I do not fold underwear---who sees that---in your case maybe you could fold only the hubbies. I do not fold washcloths--they go in a basket on top of the sink counter. I have a place I dump the cleaned clothes, grab the shirts or pants so they won't get wrinkled and leave the rest for another time if I feel too bad.

    Clothes are really hard to do because it requires a lot of arm movements. That is really hard on us with this DD. And did I read somewhere that when a person bends over it is like putting a 600 lb strain on our backs?! Maybe sorting clothes on something higher than floor would work---table? couch? bed? Take care. We all really understand what this disease takes out of us. Sending you a hug. E.
  10. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    HI petsrme.....

    My name is ANGEL. Thanks for that post, Guess what MY DH was doing while i was reading your post??? YUP, he was doing laundry! He's so good to me, but he does get frustrated, but not often. He really didn't get what i was going threw with my FM & chronic back & RLS pain... until last year. You should have him read your post, then whenever he does have time to relax, see if he will read some other posts on this site. I bet you that he'll learn alot more, sometimes it takes someone else to get DH to really understand you. My Dh is also taking me to my next Dr appt, and he will also talk to her about my pain levels, maybe SHE will listen and give me better meds.
    Sounds like you have a better husband than some i know.Some won't do anything, and just fuss, and degrade you. Good Luck to you.
    Hugs, ANGEL
  11. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    I hired a housekeeper to help with the things that hurt me.
    She is a big blessing in our lifes. :) I can only afford $40.00 a week so I picked out the things that hurt me the most, wrote out a list and gave it to my housekeeeper and she helps me with those things. It's worked out very well. My family is not interested in helping me.
    Dee50
    [This Message was Edited on 01/02/2006]
  12. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thank you all for your suggestions and for just "listening/reading". I really appreciate all of you so much!
  13. kch64

    kch64 New Member

    Hi Pets,

    Me again. After I posted yesterday, I went to put a load of laundry in (hahaha). guess it reminded me (smile).

    I bought one of those new front loading washers from sears this year with the pedestal. It sets up higher than a regular washer and is easier to get clothes in and out of.

    If you don't have one already, you might want to consider a front loader. It has made it easier for me and they don't use as much water, or tear up your clothes as much as a regular agitator washing machine.

    Just a thought.

    Kendra
  14. katykat24

    katykat24 New Member

    i get so worn out doing laundry and then start to hurt more! it doesn't help that i am a student and the laundry room is on another floor...lol

    sometimes, i ask one of my closest friends to help me with the laundry. on days where i don't have to do anything really (well, i should but it's good to have a day to take it slow)
    i just do my laundry and take all day.
    maybe you can do this/

    also, find a detergent that won't make things worse for you.