What do you say to YOURSELF when someone makes a comment ?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by yellowbird, Nov 30, 2006.

  1. yellowbird

    yellowbird New Member

    I see a lot of posts here about what to say back to someone who makes a comment like 'you'd get better if you did this or that', or 'it's all in your head'. My question is: what do you say to YOUSELF when someone acts smug or condescening towards you?

    Remember when you were a kid and you got bullied at school and your Mom said the bullly was picking on you because he was insecure? Like that.

    Recently a friend adopted a superior tone when I told her about my dissapointment with alternative medicine. A few ideas I have about why she did it are:

    "this person feels small in her own life and is looking for a way to feel bigger"
    "this person is afraid of getting sick one day and is trying to convince herself it will never happen to her"

    Any other ideas?

  2. butterfly83

    butterfly83 New Member

    I usually think.. 'this is a sad person because they haven't experienced enough of life to develop true compassion and empathy for other people's suffering. even though i struggle, and i'm in pain, at least i can be kind and compassionate to others who are having difficulties and i have the ability to make someone feel like they aren't alone because of my experiences. this person doesn't have that, and maybe never will.'

    :eek:/ i try to not be around people who keep that part of themselves sheltered. its not a good way to live.
  3. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    I started to answer this but realized that no one has really treated me this way. No one has dared tell me it was all in my head. In a way I was lucky because I had acute onset of CFS with undeniable, observible symptoms.

    I have had friends, people who are truly concerned and care about me, suggest things for me to try especially early on. While I did find it annoying I knew it was only because they were trying to help and were as frustrated as I that my many doctors were unable to help me.

    Like Prickles when people don't "get it" I remind myself that people can't understand this DD if they haven't experienced it.

    Great question.

  4. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    Well actually quite a few things I am not allowed to typed on here...LOL

    I like to use humor whenever possible just the way I am and I am an odd person at times soooo....

    Only people who have seen The Soup on E will get this they were showing a clip of Whitney Houston quite often a while back -- where she would shout "Kiss my &*%" this is what plays in my head when people annoy me and gives me the giggles.

    Oh yeah people think I am a nut job -- and you know what? -- that's OK because I could care less what they think it is usually someone that I do not really care for anyway....whew! (out of breath...LOL)

    Sorry -- I am finally starting to feel a little better today and I am in a silly mood :)

    The other that pops in my mind is like a Harley Davidson motorcycle motto "If you have to ask -- you wouldn't understand...

    Very good question BTW -- Well I am off to the make the house payment be back soon :) I don't have to work today yahoo!!!!,

    Karen :)
  5. Starfisch

    Starfisch New Member

    ...because if it is someone who doesn't really know me or who has no idea about FMS, I just blow it off as "they don't have a clue and can't think outside the box!"

    But if it is someone who knows me and I care about, that's a different story! I sometimes carry that hurt around for a while and it takes a lot of talking to myself to get over it! Especially when you try and try to tell them and they don't listen! I get so sick of hearing "you just need to get the blood flowing and work through the pain!" or "If you would just get some exercise and lose that weight, you would not hurt!" Like it is so easy and like I only have pain because I'm overweitght! UGH!!!

    Oh well, venting helps me feel better!
  6. yellowbird

    yellowbird New Member

    thanks for your replies. i very rarely get 'comments', but latley I really feel the need to stick up for myself in an almost agressive way, even if it's only on the 'inside'.

    ps for shar: horsehair jewelry sound really cool![This Message was Edited on 12/01/2006]
  7. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    Chronic Fatigue Syndrome doesn't sound like anything serious. It just sounds like you need a chair!! It sounds to someone else like "oh, you're tired, what's the big deal". Instead of using cfs, start saying "I have mitochondrial malfunction" and see the reaction you get.

    When someone doesn't respond to cfs in the way they would respond to let's say "heart failure" or something serious, I just think it's the name. It prejudices everybody into thinking it's something silly and ridiculous. Most people aren't very damn bright, anyway, that will never change. And some people refuse to admit their ignorance and act like they understand the problem because they know what the word "fatigue" means.

    But it still goes back to this stupid name, cfs. Someone was in a hurry to get their name in the medical journals and they weren't even smart enough to come up with something more apt, like "chronic incapacitation" or "chronic lying down" even!! Well, if it was "chronic lying down", then everybody would want it.

    I've stopped telling people it's cfs, I say "mitochondrial malfunction" or "heart disease" or "liver disease" depending on which one I haven't used that week. Then I get the proper respect!

  8. RENA0909

    RENA0909 New Member

    What a STUPID ****!!!

    You are such an *******!!!

    You have no idea so *******!!!!

    I hope I am allowed to put all these stars on here lol!

    People will NEVER understand what we go through every day in our lives so I dont bother telling them.Got sick of hearing comments like..........oh yes I have that............my sister suffers with that......I know what you mean..........GGGRRRRRRRR!!

    Makes me mad so I just think ***************************************!!LOL!


  9. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member


    I have a neighbor who makes comments when she sees me outside.

    She will say: 'Hey...are you over IT yet?'

    'Why do you always take a taxi?'

    Etc, etc. etc.

    I bite my tongue but could wring her neck.

    I had it out with her about a week ago. I said:
    'First of all it is none of your business what my illness is and you are bordering on harassment. I will call the police if you continue calling over to me. (Usually it is when I am garden, patio or working on the flowers out front.)

    She said: 'No wonder that your husband left you!'

    That was it. I called the police and they picked me up to file a complaint. Then they said I had to formally file 'charges' against her.

    Well: they told me that there were no witnesses and that she did not intend to hurt me physically.

    I started to tear up and the officer gave me a ride home.

    Well: guess what he did out of the goodness of his heart that he did not have to do. He went over to her house and told her to leave me alone.

    What stress that is!

    I will see what happens.

    Yellowbird: I know where you are coming from.

  10. yellowbird

    yellowbird New Member

    your neighbour is completely demented! I would have a really hard time with that. Wish I had some good advice or suggestions about how to handle that...
  11. butterfly83

    butterfly83 New Member

    :gentle hugs: i'm sorry your neighbor has been so horrible. I don't understand why some people feel the neccessity to butt into strangers business. It's ridiculous. Some people's lives are so small they need to gossip and bother others because they have nothing better to do. I hope the police talking to her will convince her to shut up finally.
  12. maryld

    maryld New Member

    I am known to say whats on my mind.....Luckily i have not come across anyone to "question" my FM/CFS in a way that is condescending. If that were to happen i would more than likely fly off the handle. I never was one to care what people think of me so you can imagine what my choice of words would be to ANYONE who would be smug or condescending towards me or someone i cared for. (or even a stranger that didn't deserve it) I have been told by my children, who are just six and nine, to "relax". I am very big on respect. I don't get some people.....
  13. chloeuk

    chloeuk New Member

    When I was dx with cfs I had many who said I have had that or I know someone who did..now I have been dx with fms they really have no clue what it is..so that helps alot.

    I dont think that people are generally that hurtful, I do think that if they knew you before the DD then they have an idea about you as a person so know it isnt just in your head..but they do not understand it and I also think they are scared by it...my experience is also that they can not understand why the dr cant help you.

    The only problem I have had is finding a dr who doesnt think you are mentally ill, they didnt see you when you were active and happy so they automatically think you are an attention seeker.

    BTW NYRO..I would say my husband left because he couldnt stand living next to a dragon like you!!lol old bat! If all else fails I would give her a letter that looks like its a legal letter saying if she continues to harrass you then you will have to take out a restraining order against her.
  14. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    I missed your PS until now. I haven't been able to work on my horsehair jewelry for several months because I've been too sick but now that I'm doing better I've started again.

    I'm trying to combine horsehair and beading rather than the more traditional styles of braiding and hitching so it is taking a little time to come up with designs: blazing a new trail, or so I hope.

    I'm working on a necklace now and I'll try to post some pictures in my profile soon.

  15. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    im not to good at thinking the thing they usually fly out of my mouth.sometimes it end up in a fight i havent engaged in a conversation with my father in law in about 6 month because of his opinions charlene
  16. Doober

    Doober New Member

    I just tell myself that "I know me better than they". What I usually say to them is "ok, whatever" and walk away. Most people I know hate to hear this and they end up getting frustrated and a few have actually snapped back at me and said "what do you mean by that?". I leave it there and let them stew over their own ignorance.
  17. balletdancer74

    balletdancer74 New Member

    You don't want to know! lol

    Depending on what exactly was said and who said it and how it was said (tone), my comments to myself range from cussing (lol) to, "What an ignoramus. I feel bad for that person!" Unfortunately, I can't always keep the "comment" to myself. LOL j/k

    I've had FM, CFIDS/M.E., now possible Lyme, etc. for so many years (since my twenties) that I just blow most comments off nowadays as getting annoyed triggers a major head pain attack.

    Fortunately, I have a wonderful family and group of friends and former colleagues (on LTD/SSI) who never doubted me or questioned my symptoms and diagnoses.

    I will say that I've already had a few people who "questioned" me in their own "subtle" way (not family) way back when who than developed their own chronic illness and came "knocking on my door" for help...which of course I gave...makes one think.

    LB32 (Leeza)

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