What do you think causes our families to act so mean

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cjcookie, Mar 17, 2007.

  1. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    to us? My Mom who used to be very nice told me yesterday that I don't do anything to help myself. She said the only thing I have done is go to pain management doctors. I asked her what she thought I should do and she just told me to shut up, etc.

    Here's what I've done for myself since my car accident that caused my Fibro.

    Lost 70 pounds
    Went to the top brain injury doc in our area (he treats the Rams)
    Went through hours and hours of rehab (I drove myself 45 minutes to get there day after day)
    Tried all sorts of medication and natural supplements.
    Gone all organic.
    Tried to walk even when it killed me.
    Learned how to pace myself.
    You all know how it is.

    The only thing she says is that she's heard of people that were bedridden with Fibro and they are now doing really well. I asked her what they did. Again, I got no answer.

    I'm guess I just need to get away from them and not come back.

  2. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    I understand sweetie. No one in my family cares about me. My son calls me only for his own benefit and to drive me ****'g nuts. My son calls it "tough love". I call it BS.

    It hurts when your family is mean.

    I am facing all of this on my own (and with you all on the board)

    Take care
  3. janie056

    janie056 New Member

    I don't know why they can be mean, my own husband has been very insulting to me lately, saying things like, "Your Always Sick" And last night had to go to ER for a kidney stone, I passed it in the hospital, but my husband was so angry acting like I really put him out that he had to bring me!
    I feel like it be easier to be alone again, I don't need the extra stress he has been causing me.
    My Mother is the only one I can count on, she really tries to understand my FM and asks me many questions about it.
    She is my Angel.

    I'm so sorry your having such a bad time!

    Love to you,
    Jane
  4. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    look at the postive which isn't always easy. It's gotten pretty bad lately, though. I took 13 of my Zanaflex the other night. The only thing I got was a decent night's sleep. That was after my Dad wanted to apologize for whatever I THINK he did when I was younger (Mom's idea - I asked). I don't know if you remember from a previous post but he claims to totally forget ever hitting me or being verbally abusive when I was little.

    I think I'll be much better when I go home by myself. Of course, I'm scared to death I'll fall again and be laying there for days. I also get very scared at night - never used to happen (I'm usually fearless) but I think it's one of my meds. I just hold on to my dog until I can sleep again.

    I'm going back home because my Mother said I should go home for a few days while my sister is visiting since we don't get along very well. I could then come back because I have problems with falling. No thanks on the coming back part. I'm done. I asked if she would have put my Grandma out for a couple of days when it suited her. She said she did - remember, we took her to the nursing home for a couple of days when we went out of town. I think that's the same thing, right? Take someone to a place where there is care around the clock and sending someone to stay alone when they have fallen and broken their tail bone and injured their knee bad enough to have surgery.

    If I'm off the boards for a few days, it's not because I did something bad again - it's because I have to get the internet hooked back up at my own house.
  5. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    I think the meaness comes from frustration and helplessness. No one can make us better and they really want to, in most cases.

    I know it must be very difficult to stand by and watch someone who is ill.

    People, family members, like to belive that if they had this illness they would "know what to do" or "try harder" or "find a way." This is their belief system protecting them from a terrible reality.

    For me, I need to maintain hope at all times - or I sink. Sometimes all I have is the hope that there will be a breakthrough tommorrow. Sometimes I just try something new and hope it has some impact.

    All we can do is try, try not to give up and try to understand that others really don't have any idea. And remember, that especially those that love us - feel so frustrated they may even blame us. I'm certain they don't mean it - they just don't know...

    Elisabeth
  6. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    SOME OF MY FAMILY IS LIKE THAT I AM BEDRIDDEN MYSELF MY HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY WHERE PLAYING CARDS AND I GOT UP TO WALK TO STRETCH MY LEGS A LITTLE MY FIL LOOKS AT ME AND SAID I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU WHAT? WHO ASKED YOU TOO I TOLD HIM OFF AND I HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT SINCE THAT WAS ABOUT 8 MONTHS AGO IVE TRIED EVERYTHING TOO GUAIFENISIN IS MY NEXT STEP I TRY NOT TO GIVE UP BUT IVE BEEN IN BED CLOSE TO 3 YRS HUGS CHARLENE
    [This Message was Edited on 03/17/2007]
  7. LuvQuilting

    LuvQuilting New Member

    to judge others when they don't walk in our shoes! I really think THEY think they would do better if dealt the same problems. The funny thing is, I know we're the stronger ones because we have to deal with this and still manage to function to some degree. What angers me is that they don't realize they would react the same way and maybe worse if in our shoes for day! They'll understand all this one day but it may not be until they die. Then they will relive all the hurt they have caused you. I have family members like that, too. Blessing to you!
  8. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    cjcookie:

    I blame it on ignorance. Pure and simple.
    You are doing a wonderful job to enhance your health.
    Good for you!!!!


    nyrofan
  9. meditationlotus

    meditationlotus New Member

    Believe in yourself. Most people lack patience and compassion. The is mainly due to their refusal to grow. It is so much easier to blame.

    Also, when someone is vulnerable, there is a tendency for people who refuse to grow to act like children by being bossy and trying to belittle and intimitate. In other words, trying the make themselves big, by putting others down. And this is easier to do with someone who is needing help. In short, it is called bullying.

    Believe in yourself and what you tell people about yourself. No matter if they believe you, you believe in yourself. The more self-assured your are, the more they see that you are unaffected by their ignorance, the more they will back down from trying to belittle you. Avoid them, if necessary.
  10. LeftCoast

    LeftCoast New Member

    I think people are mean partly because they are ignorant and partly because they are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see past how it has affected them.

    I have heard more mean comments and have been told how to make myself well by more stupid people than I can count over the last ten years. Even my husband was cruel before he sought help for his drinking and anger.

    Most people don't ever really come around. The ones that are the worst I avoid as much as possible. The others, I don't have any tolerance for their sh**. We suffer enough physically that extra mental suffering is like pouring gasoline on a burning fire.

    Love yourself and treat yourself as well as you can. If you can pick up a copy of the movie "I Remember Me" by Kim Schneider. Pop it in for everyone to watch. They might feel better about your illness if they knew that they could be tube feeding your bed ridden body rather than having you stay with them for a while.
  11. ritatheresa

    ritatheresa New Member

    I know my family has always had a problem believing me, unfortunately it is very hard for most people to understand something if they have not been through it themselves.

    I come from a family of people who suck it up and go on, including myself for a very long time, when I crashed my family didn't know what to do for me.

    I dealt with alot of anger and resentment and came to the conclusion that they probably will never understand. I have never doubted their love for me though, they just don't understand
  12. MsE

    MsE New Member

    When we are in bad shape, it reminds others they, too, could be in bad shape. That, in turn, reminds them of their own mortality. That scares people. No one wants to die. Seeing people they love unable to get around well reminds them of death. That's one reason, I think.

    Of course, sometimes it's just plain old stupidity and selfishness. Then there's frustration because they don't know what to do to help and that makes them feel defensive (I ought to be able to help) so they turn it onto the person who is ill. (How dare you be sick and mess up my life? Why can't you be like other people?)The whole business makes them angry.

    Hey, cjcookie, I guess it's a miserable mix of the worst of human nature. Some people are unable to empathize until they walk in our shoes.

    I had a friend who had never had a bad sinus infection, and I used to have sinus trouble quite often. Then one day she was whopped with a nasty sinus infection. She phoned me and apologized! Said she had always thought I was making a big stink about nothing, but now she understood and she was sorry.

    But it isn't your fault, cjcookie. Don't let 'em dump it on you.
  13. cindy41

    cindy41 New Member

    Last week my 17 year old called me lazy.
    I took 2 days off of work to try to get my house clean and wound up sleeping most of one day.
    Lost 2 of my best friends because I couldn't keep up with them.
    And my 20 year old thinks I am a burden on society.
    Mind you I still work and keep the roof over their head and food in their stomachs. But by the weekend I crash big-time.

    Cindy
  14. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    And when my family sees me on my “good days” then they think it’s all in my head. I agree with the previous person who said “they need to walk in our shoes”!

    My mom tells me all the time that I should get out & walk. Believe me, on the days that I can walk, I’m doing it! I use those days to run my errands, clean, do laundry, etc...

    None of asked to be in pain & I’m glad that I can talk to all of you because you understand!!!
  15. melindami

    melindami New Member

    I think in my situation it is the worry about all the bills.. with me not working he has to take care of all the bills plus the extras.. We don't have the best insurance with his compnay he works for.. Just paid off steroid shots.. awaiting chiropractor bill, last physical therapy, cat scan and xray bill, and then when do more physical therapy that bill too... And his unability to feel my pain... I get so mad at him when he gets a headache and wants to go to sleep and leaves me to take the dogs out.. And when he realixed he said hey ill put the alarm on you can go to bed too.. and sometimes when he's home from offshore and i am having to do laundry every other day when he doesn't offer to help when i feel like crap.. sometimes i think my husband caused some of my stress and pain to be worse when it was all about worry over money.. but at least that is changing... I think after catching me crying a few times he almost gets it.. he still makes stupid comments every now and then and my response is I wish i could let you have my pain for one day so u would know how it feels then for a while he doesn't make those comments.. but the bottom line is money.. The second issue is with my husband we are still young he wants to have fun on vacations disney world and the rides.. florida and waterslides... and just vacations with drinking he says its no sense in going because of the way i am.. but i keep telling him i can lay in the sun on beach or on deck of cruise boat, he can drink alcohol and ill drink non alcoholic beverages we can still have fun... he feels like he loss his fun wife.. With working offshore some times he likes to come home and go vacationing and he doesn't think it is any fun with me right now... so he feels punished in away but until i can show him we can still have fun it hurts him that i am this way..
  16. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    I was upset, hurt, angry and just tired of it all - you get the picture. I'm supposed to take four of them to sleep. My Mom pretty much just told me that if I died my dogs would go to the pound. Sweet, huh?

    Yes, I have a friend who had cancer and her family treated her horribly. I told her that someday they would wish they hadn't because there is such a thing as Karma. Strange thing happened. One family member got cancer after that and another a horrible illness that pretty much feels like ours. Of course, I didn't wish them ill and neither did she but Karma has an interesting way of rearing its head, doesn't it?
    [This Message was Edited on 03/19/2007]