What happened to Compassion?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by TeaBisqit, Mar 10, 2009.

  1. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    This guy I've sort of been seeing, he got the flu. He has zero compassion or feeling for me when I don't feel well. But now that he has the flu, he called me twice today looking for sympathy. And he had treated me badly the night before, so I ended up saying he should have the flu permanently because maybe it would give him some compassion toward other people when they don't feel well. So, he hung up on me. And when I called him back to tell him not to ever call me again, he told me to stop calling him, he didn't need my garbage and he hung up again. Nice. I haven't been the one calling him. I stopped calling him over a month ago because he keeps waffling between me and his ex girlfriend and I'm sick of it. Every other week, he's either trying to get me into bed or telling me he wants to go out on dates with me, then the next week he's telling me he wants his ex girlfriend back. And I've had enough. I was trying to slowly get away from him by not calling him. But he has been calling me. I was just really mad he called me at all today after telling me last night that he wants to get back with his ex, yet again. When he's not doing all this yoyoing, he really has zero sympathy for me at all. He doesn't care if I'm tired or in pain. He'll just make a rotten comment like you're always tired. When he knows I'm on disability for this. I bet as soon as he's over the flu, he will forget being sick and still have zero compassion. He even had the nerve to say to me that I couldn't possibly be in as much pain as he was. Yeah, right. I said that is how we feel every day, only worse. And, his ex girlfriend has our illness, too, and so does his mother. So you would think he might possibly have an ounce of compassion, but he doesn't. He was alittle worried about his mother when she was in the hospital for it, but not really all that much. I don't think he's capable of much feeling.
  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Tea what are you doing to your self?
    You need to dump this jerk! change your phone number. if you cant block his #.

    Why would you put up with this back and forth crap? He's dancing on his head showing you he doesn't care and will never care. He's a total tool.

    You deserve better. talk to someone about co-dependence issuses. this is a abusive situation.

  3. quanked

    quanked Member

    I can tell you where you are not finding it. Why do you remain connected to someone without it if you value it?

    What happened to compassion you ask? It is here. You will find plenty here.
  4. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    And you're seeing him WHY???? Sounds like a real peach.

    Trust me, you can do so much better....


  5. Waynesrhythm

    Waynesrhythm Member

    Hi TeaBisqit,

    Sounds like you're moving this person out of your life, and none to soon!

    It usually takes a few days for decisions like this to sink in, but usually after a time, a celebratory mood can easily replace any mixed feelings you may have left over.

    Congratulations on making what appears to be a prudent decision for yourself.

    Best, Wayne
  6. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    interesting because i find that since i have had CFS and especially the brain fog, i do not feel in control at all and it really affects my self esteem. it's like i cling to people out of desperation because i do not feel like i have a "self" anymore.

    hope you can leave this jerk ASAP because this sort of stress can really cause your CFS to worsen a lot. in fact, it is a similar siutation that caused me to deteriorate at an alarming rate 3 yrs ago, before i saught treatment.

    good luck
  7. :-(

    Honey, I read your profile, and first off, I want to tell you something you've probably already heard.... but, in case you haven't... or, (like me.... don't believe it anyways, especially now that you are ill, and feel like a 'thing', rather than a 'who'.) I have to tell you this!

    You probably have more talent in your PINKY FINGER, than a large portion of the population... and by the sounds of it (like my past!!!) most CERTAINLY this is true of the people you surround yourself with.

    " Every other week, he's either trying to get me into bed or telling me he wants to go out on dates with me, then the next week he's telling me he wants his ex girlfriend back. "

    Wow honey.... if I had KEPT a journal in my teens- early 20's (married at 22, to what people considered my *absolute* opposite, but, not to whom I truly was deep, deeeepp down inside. It's just that I tried in every way possible to KILL 'that' person.. ) reading a lot of your post... would be as if I were reading a page right out of my diary. (It IS a page, from my emotional diary- I struggle every day/night, with PTSD, the last few years, as a result of building, building, building rage, grief, helplessness, etc from my illness...

    it's changing who my husband is, as I've allowed myself to become 'numb' once again- due to the extremely low (non-existant) self-esteem I now have again- that has resurfaced due to my now nearly 9th year of illnesses. I never MEANT for it to happen... but, I spent at least 10 years prior to my husband living NUMB...

    It's like I have no idea* how to have 'intimacy'... I've only ever had SEX (I'm sharing this with you, the first person ever on this board, that's how deeply I understand your position/situation, and hurt for/WITH you..)

    Anyhow, I was just learning who I truly was, for the first time- maybe in my LIFE, when hubby & I married, I still had some abandonment, PTSD, intimacy issues, but, felt steady enough to conquer them with him----

    until years into my illness, when my PTSD just exploded on me, triggered by of all things.... maltreatment by toooo many doctors/specialists... yes, the majority of them men...

    Now- you KIND OF answered your *own* issues, within your post. They may be 'hidden' to your immediate conscious, but, they were there-

    You were trying to cut ties with him- by not calling...

    When he called the FIRST time, with his 'flu' (suck it UP 'buttercup!' LOL) you should have said THEN...

    "yea well, welcome to my world, your mother's day-to-day life...etc... why don't you try calling HER & whining, frankly, I'm too tired for your sh**"

    (I sooo know that is easier said then done...)

    After you two hung up- why bother calling 'to tell him never to call me again?"

    That *allowed him* AGAIN- to get control- and have the last word- he ends up scowling at you (AGAIN) and hanging up-

    Rather than calling him to sayyy never call me again- I KNOW he would've gotten the hint, by YOU never calling again- and then flatly telling him you were over his sh**, then hanging up- immediately following that simple, to the point, statement... and any call after that, just being immediately picked up- and hung up on- without so much as even a 'hello'..

    Trust me, with complete TOOLS like this D-bag- their 'ego' won't take more than a few of those flat out hang-ups... they will go away-

    Trust me, as I type this- I feel like a hypocrite.. but, as I said- I truly am thankful, that within 3 wks of coming home from active duty military training for the national guards, hubby & I began dating again.. (I went to get SOBER, and *clear my head* - it broke my dear mother's heart- but, *I knew* it was the ONLY way for me to 'break free'... it cost me my health- but, I had to get away...)

    I was 21- and clean and sober the first time in almost SEVEN YEARS, and, god bless hubby- we had 'tried' dating when I was 19, and I was a total JERK to him... he was "too nice" for me to date then... I only dated total D-bag tools.

    Hubby & I dated from July 31st 99-April 14th 2000. we married April 15th 2000... but, all my past feelings, of being not worth a GOOD MAN's time... have FLOODED back, in ways I never could have imagined! EVERY lousy thing I was ever told about myself by men, teachers, parents, etc... came back with a VENGENCE... and once again, I feel like a lonely, worthless, waste of everyone's time... and empty 'little girl'....... at 31...

    I want you to STOP THE CYCLE dear.... PLEASE!?

    I KNOW, that, were I still single, I too, would be in my 30's, probably back to the same guys/men, I always thought* I "belonged" with.

    You should NEVER 'dumb yourself down" for a person you are dating.

    It certainly sounds like you are.

    Please love yourself more than you have in the past, (do it for both of us, :)

    Take care... I'm here for you..

  8. sorry but this guy is a real jerk. No one can understand what we deal with with this dd. You would be better off without him.

    My sister is like that, one day she said 'oh this flu is terrible , my whole body hurt, did you ever have that"
    HELLO I told her yes everyday. It went right over her head though.

    My sis in law said "my daughter has one problem after another all the time just like you, I think shes taking after you, its ridiculous" Talk about a slap in the face, and my sis in law SAYS she has fibro, NOT!

    dump the loser. NEGATIVITY is bad for you..some boyfriend! Plus he has another girlfriend!
  9. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    Some of it was self esteem, but what happened was, he lives on the floor of my building, really close to my apartment. When he started up with me in January, he lied to me and told me his ex girlfriend moved to Texas. He said that was completely over. So I started to see him, and then three weeks later, out of nowhere, he told me his ex girlfriend was back and living across street. I was shocked. Then he claimed it was over, but then he started to pull the yoyoing. One week, he would tell me he wanted me, the next week he would tell me we should just be friends because he wanted her back. And I actually agreed to just be friends and that's it because I wanted no more part of this. And I stopped calling him in February. But he continued to call me and he would act all nice just to get me to go over to his apartment. And he would pull the same thing with trying to get me to sleep with him, which never happened, thank God. And then the next day or a few days after that, he would tell me he only wants the ex back. Then finally, it seemed he realized I was not going to sleep with him and he seemed to cool off on that. And then last Thursday, he told me he wanted to have a real date with me and he was supposed to call me Saturday for that. So Saturday comes around and he doesn't call. He calls me Monday and acts nice to get me to come over. I go over there and he tells me he was with his ex girlfriend, he wants her back and he acts like he never said he wanted to have a date with me on Saturday. So, I was really mad when I left. Then, yesterday, he calls me and tells me he has the flu and he's looking for sympathy and who knows what else. And I was like, no way. I didn't want to start a big fight, but I was like why call me, go call your ex, if you want her so badly, but I didn't say much of anything. So, then, he calls me a second time, and he's still looking for sympathy. And that's when I said he should have the flu permanently and see if that gives him some compassion for other people. But he totally did not belong calling me. You can't treat someone the way he's been treating me and expect that person to keep taking it. The reason I called him back the first time was because I wasn't sure if we had been disconnected or if he really did hang the phone up. But he made sure to tell me not to call him anymore. And I was so mad, I called him back because I wanted it clear that he was never to call me again. And he just plain hung up and wouldn't let me say anything. That was definitely a control thing. He should have listened to what I had to say, and all I was going to say was, do not call me again ever.

    This is the second time this has happened. He did this to me about a month ago with the hanging up when he didn't like something I had to say. Then he waited about a week and a half and called me again, acting like nothing happened. But this time, he's going to be in for a rude awakening because if he dares to call me again, I'm going to tell him we are no longer friends or anything else. Don't call me anymore.

    I could put him on block. I'm just not sure if I should or what since we are on the same floor of the building. If there was an emergency, which they have had here, I just don't know if it's wise to do that. But I have every intention of telling him to no longer call me if he does.

    There are a few reasons I had been putting up with this. One is, I was alone for so many years that I really just wanted the company. I didn't even realize how lonely I was until he started up with me. But after how he's treated me, I think he just cured me of the loneliness. I'd rather be alone.

    I was also putting up with this because I'm not friends with anyone in the building. I'm friendly with my neighbors across from me, but not too much because their dog bites and I don't want to get bit. Most all the other people I've met here are just looking to steal from you or take advantage of you or use you in some way. So I've stayed to myself. Basically, I was hoping this jerk would help me in small ways and just be a friend. But he's no one's friend.

    I think I was also kind of surprised anyone wanted me at all at this point. Overweight from the illness, rarely wear makeup anymore. Really, I was surprised.

    And lastly, he lied to get me started up with him. If he had told me the truth that his ex girlfriend, supposedly, ex girlfriend, he probably never really stopped seeing her, was living across street, I would have said no to begin with. I wouldn't have let it go on at all in January.

    I hate feeling used. I didn't sleep with him, nor did I let much go on. And I thank God every day for that. I had a bad feeling about it and my instincts told me not to do it.

    This disease does destroy your self esteem and self worth. And it leaves you as easy prey to jerks like this. You end up desperate for company because of the isolation. This is not someone I would even give the time of day to if I had been healthy. I wasn't even the one making moves on him. He started on me. I had said I just wanted his company. I wasn't looking for a relationship because I really am not well enough to have one.

    I do know this won't end unless I end it and that's exactly what I'm going to do. No one has the right to treat someone the way he's been treating me. I don't know what his problem is, hates women, gets off on this, I don't know. He told me his ex girlfriend told him he is stalking her. So obviously there is something going on there. But I want no part of it.
  10. nixon

    nixon New Member

    You DON'T need someone like that in your life!!!!

    If he's got other people in his life that suffer the way that we do.....and he doesn't understand and have compassion......he's a piece of sh#t. You would be better off alone(no boyfriend) than have to put up with someone like that, causing you added stress that you don't need.

    There are many men out there that ARE compassionate to us ladies with health problems.

    Once in a while the loved ones in my life will complain of something MINOR....and I usually remind them of my on-going daily challenges. Sometimes I just laugh it off, but if I'm in a flare, or just feeling really bad.....it will bother me and I lash out that they don't have a CLUE about how I feel on a DAILY basis. That actually happened last night with my hubby, he made a STUPID comment to me and I just UNLEASHED on him!! He then just decided to go to bed.....I thought "Well good- go to bed and think about it".....This morning before he went to work, things were better. He KNEW he was wrong, and not to make insensitive comments.....to have a little compassion. ( I've felt like H*LL for more than a month now....not slleping much at all,which I know is making it WORSE, I go see my doc tomorrow....hopefully she will help me!! I'm the one lately that has been affected badly by Levaquin, don't know if you've seen that posted.

    I'm sorry I rambled on about myself, but the BOTtOM LINE is you don't need a man like that in your life, certainly not a boyfriend!!!

    Hang in there......Hugs, Andrea

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