what is the point?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Degillin, Mar 14, 2003.

  1. Degillin

    Degillin New Member

    I live in this world just like everybody else. Even though i don't want to live, i still survive. At least it looks that way. I'm hardly stable on teh iside and my body is some how getting worse. I've been puking during the vacation, and 2 weeks before i was doing it as well. i've missed out on alot of school work so now i have to try to catch up. It is harder than it seems. I have a major problem with procratinating. And my addiction with videogames don't help me either. I'm currently holding 2 jobs. I hate having to put my friends off for homework and work. Where do i draw the line? My father is hardly ever around. He is always gone out hunting, working(with his buddies), fishing, just so he has an excuse to go out and drink. My mother is usually angry at everybody and everything. All i can do with all of this stuff around me is to absorb it like a sponge. I am seeing a counselor and is that suppose to help me. No! it makes me feel less of a person, i need help to hold myself i don't like that image. I feel like as if i am a paricte that sucks out sympathy out of ppl, sympathy that i don't like to accept. i will be going away for three months on treatment. i've talked to my friends and family and they all said teh same thing and that is to go through with it. And now i am thinking that they don't want me around anymore. and i would hate to take time off of work. my addiction for games is very expensive. i've spant over 12hundred dollars on cards. and when i'm going to c a shrink in the city i most likely ging to spend another $100 on more games. this addiction is starting to get to me and the ppl around me. one of my friends is sorta like my father, she always makes up excuses so i wont come c her after school, and i'm thinking that she doesn't want me around anymore. and she knows what that could mean to me after what happen last may. i tried to hang and stab myself. I stopped myself. i just want to die. i reported this it a teacher and was sent to a hospital for a weekend and at home for a week. i hate life. y should i care? y should i continue? if i continue down this road it is only going to get worse. i will soon have to move out on my own and start paying bills. just as well kill myself and save the world a heap of trouble. my grades ain't as good as they could be. i have a lack of contenration in school. i gave up caring for my work. i slack off to much. and it is dragging me down to this depression. it is not the only thing. u never realise how much something or someone means to u until they r gone. seeing that one of my friends has gotten a boyfriend i feel jelous. and i would like to hold myself back so i wont hurt him or her physically. but what can i do? shoot myself? The gun is gone for the weekend. how ironic. life has it's own twists and turns. as it is said "Life is a rollercoaster ride" well then i would love to get off. i hate how the ppl r treating me now once i'm out of the hospital for my depression, i liked it better whem ppl where picking on me. at least then they wernt afraid to hurt ppl and live their lives, that is something i was sent for on this earth. i let other ppl take out their anger. at me instead of the ppl that matter. i don't matter. all i am is a waste of air. only good i do is...well there is no use for me. i just want to die, anbd let all my anger, and depression waste away. i don't need this anymore. plz let me go. ppl need to learn to let me go. i want to leave and don't i deserve that much. i was a punch bag for so long. i have absorbed planty of pain. my mother running around after she took an over dosage trying to teach me a lesson on how i would affect the family. Is this gonna make me feel better? i don't think so. it is only making things worse. i'm srry if this upsets anybody. i have been threated so many times of getting kicked out of my home. my parents don't understand who i am. they don't even know who i am. except for my name that is all they know. i don't let any body in oto my realm on lonlienss. alot of air was wasted on me i bet. not only air but also food and water. i am an eye-sore. i need to c my doc to perscribe me some medication for my pipils. my back is covered in sore ones. my family wonders how i sleep at night. well i hardly sleep. a am always awake except for when i take my medication. my medication doesn't help either. it only makes my sleepy and dizzy. my vision has been getting worse thanks to it. and teh support it gives me only makes my personal view worse. the medication i was on before wasn't very useful. all it did was make my anger boil even more than usual. i stopped taking them 4 i was afraid i was going to hurt someone instead of my self. everybody out there makes me feel worse knowing that i would be easier if i wasn't alive. i take in food that hey could be eating instead of me. knowing that is takes up room for me have treatment. while i am in there another person could be waiting to get in and when i get out it might be to late. i only have forever sadness. i can only c the bad in everything. g2g. i like to let out my sorrow out on message boards. thank you to whom made this message board. it helps out more that is realized.
  2. teawah

    teawah New Member

    An addiction in my life is anything that I use to avoid facing my reality. YOu came to the right place for help.
    (((((((hugs for you))))))))
    teawah
  3. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    It sounds like you are suffering from some serious depression to me. If you don't have a therapist you can relate to, you need one, desperately. And it sounds like there's a lot of passive/aggressive behavior going on in your home. I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless and lost. You really need some help. Obviously this person you are seeing is not doing enough for you. Please, if you are going into a treatment facility for a few months, don't look at this as people not wanting you around. Show your parents what you've written here. I have raised 4 kids, if one of mine had written what you did above and I read it, I would not hesitate to get help for them.
    No one has the perfect family. We all make mistakes, and we all have our problems. Sometimes it becomes too overwhelming to handle on your own. If you are being told to just go through with the treatment it's mostly likely because your family and friends care about you, but they don't know how to help you. It's OK to admit you need help elsewhere. Give it a chance. Try to keep an open mind, this could be the help you need.

    Karen
  4. mamie43

    mamie43 Member

    Hi Degillin,

    I feel sad that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds to me like this sadness has been around for quite some time, am I right? It is very difficult to feel good about ourselves when the people around us are negative.
    You sound like you are a very sensitive person; you are in tune with your parents' feelings and their problems.
    Did your parents send you to your counsellor? Or did you find him/her through school? I hope you don't mind me saying that, if you don't find your counsellor is helping you, you have the right to find another one. People do not always automatically click with new doctors or counsellors, and have the right to find someone who they can communicate with and basically feel comfortable with.

    Somehow, you have yourself convinced that you are not worth it! Just by reading the few lines that you have written here, I can see that you are a caring and sensitive person.
    You take in all of your parents' problems and you know what? You don't have to. Some how I feel that you think that you are trouble to everyone, well you are not, no one fills that job. We are responsible for our actions. For example, your friend who does not want to meet with you after school, is probably not like you. She is not capable of keeping a friendship because she does not know how to be there for someone. When the chips are down, she bails. That is not your fault or your doing. She is responsible for her own actions and behaviors. I know that life is a ditch some time, I find myself also wondering what is it all for? But then I realize that it never stays the same. If I would of ended my life when my mother and father seperated, and I just couldn't take the fighting anymore, I would of never lived to see my kids, my husband and go to college...etc
    When we feel that life is not worth it, we can't see what is ahead of us. I would of never imagined meeting my husband! I thought that I was stupid and ugly and no one would love me. But then I thought that maybe I was hanging around with the wrong people for me. I wanted a true friend, not the ones I couldn't depend on anymore. I finally dropped my so-called best friend and allowed myself to go out and meet new people. It takes a while to learn to feel good about ourselves and it does happen!!! Please don't feel that you are the worst because you have an addiction. Millions of people have addictions and learn to manage their lives without them. You can do anything you want to in life. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
    I hope you write me back soon. I like talking with you and if you have anything you would like to talk to me about, I am here.
    Here for you,
    Mamie43
  5. jeanderek

    jeanderek New Member

    When I was growing up I lived in a very abusive house. My grandfather beat me regular and my father was an alcoholic. I use to think why am I even here? Why am I taking all of this abuse? I tried to find comfort in my mother who was also and alcoholic and she only rejected me. I finally just buried all of my pain inside of myself and went into the lonely cave that was my bed room. I would go to school and get picked on as well. I have always been over weight and I went to an urban school so I was picked on for being 1 out of the 10 white people that went there. I tried to make friends and my grand dad would always put them down and not allow me to have them so till I was 18 I lived in hell too. The good thing is that when I turned 18 I left and began my OWN life. I realized that the way I was raised was wrong. I finally found the love I needed and you will too. Your dad is in denial of his reponsibility and your mother is only reacting to it. The bad thing is they will probably never change. The good thing is YOU CAN. My teen years where the worse years of my life and it sounds like your going through some of the same things that I did. You are not alone. When my best friend got married I felt so alone in the world and was mad that she chose him over me. I realized that I could be friends with her and I gained a new friend, her husband. I know its hard to look at it that way but this could be a blessing. You know I don't have any easy answers for you sweetie but I can tell you this to be a fact! It gets better... I know its hard to see that right now but one of these days you will actually get to leave that situation that your in and realize that even though you are in such pain right now YOU ARE A STRONGER WISER PERSON more than your parents will ever be and that feels good. Just knowing you don't have to fall into that life pattern that they have showed you is your greatest accomplishment. You be brave and know your not alone. Realize that you do matter and you can have such a positive effect on the world. Just think one of these days you might even be able to help kids who are in your situation make it through and what a wonderful thing that would be. I hope that you feel better really soon and know that you have a friend in me. I know what it feels like to be an outcast because of being different or poor or anything else for that matter and you can talk to me about anything and I will never judge you. I think your a beautiful person who is hurting and I want you to know that it will not last forever. I wish you all the best and I know you can accomplish anything you want in the world. Take care and I would love to hear back from you.

    Hugs,
    Jeanna
  6. AchyAchyBod

    AchyAchyBod New Member