I live in this world just like everybody else. Even though i don't want to live, i still survive. At least it looks that way. I'm hardly stable on teh iside and my body is some how getting worse. I've been puking during the vacation, and 2 weeks before i was doing it as well. i've missed out on alot of school work so now i have to try to catch up. It is harder than it seems. I have a major problem with procratinating. And my addiction with videogames don't help me either. I'm currently holding 2 jobs. I hate having to put my friends off for homework and work. Where do i draw the line? My father is hardly ever around. He is always gone out hunting, working(with his buddies), fishing, just so he has an excuse to go out and drink. My mother is usually angry at everybody and everything. All i can do with all of this stuff around me is to absorb it like a sponge. I am seeing a counselor and is that suppose to help me. No! it makes me feel less of a person, i need help to hold myself i don't like that image. I feel like as if i am a paricte that sucks out sympathy out of ppl, sympathy that i don't like to accept. i will be going away for three months on treatment. i've talked to my friends and family and they all said teh same thing and that is to go through with it. And now i am thinking that they don't want me around anymore. and i would hate to take time off of work. my addiction for games is very expensive. i've spant over 12hundred dollars on cards. and when i'm going to c a shrink in the city i most likely ging to spend another $100 on more games. this addiction is starting to get to me and the ppl around me. one of my friends is sorta like my father, she always makes up excuses so i wont come c her after school, and i'm thinking that she doesn't want me around anymore. and she knows what that could mean to me after what happen last may. i tried to hang and stab myself. I stopped myself. i just want to die. i reported this it a teacher and was sent to a hospital for a weekend and at home for a week. i hate life. y should i care? y should i continue? if i continue down this road it is only going to get worse. i will soon have to move out on my own and start paying bills. just as well kill myself and save the world a heap of trouble. my grades ain't as good as they could be. i have a lack of contenration in school. i gave up caring for my work. i slack off to much. and it is dragging me down to this depression. it is not the only thing. u never realise how much something or someone means to u until they r gone. seeing that one of my friends has gotten a boyfriend i feel jelous. and i would like to hold myself back so i wont hurt him or her physically. but what can i do? shoot myself? The gun is gone for the weekend. how ironic. life has it's own twists and turns. as it is said "Life is a rollercoaster ride" well then i would love to get off. i hate how the ppl r treating me now once i'm out of the hospital for my depression, i liked it better whem ppl where picking on me. at least then they wernt afraid to hurt ppl and live their lives, that is something i was sent for on this earth. i let other ppl take out their anger. at me instead of the ppl that matter. i don't matter. all i am is a waste of air. only good i do is...well there is no use for me. i just want to die, anbd let all my anger, and depression waste away. i don't need this anymore. plz let me go. ppl need to learn to let me go. i want to leave and don't i deserve that much. i was a punch bag for so long. i have absorbed planty of pain. my mother running around after she took an over dosage trying to teach me a lesson on how i would affect the family. Is this gonna make me feel better? i don't think so. it is only making things worse. i'm srry if this upsets anybody. i have been threated so many times of getting kicked out of my home. my parents don't understand who i am. they don't even know who i am. except for my name that is all they know. i don't let any body in oto my realm on lonlienss. alot of air was wasted on me i bet. not only air but also food and water. i am an eye-sore. i need to c my doc to perscribe me some medication for my pipils. my back is covered in sore ones. my family wonders how i sleep at night. well i hardly sleep. a am always awake except for when i take my medication. my medication doesn't help either. it only makes my sleepy and dizzy. my vision has been getting worse thanks to it. and teh support it gives me only makes my personal view worse. the medication i was on before wasn't very useful. all it did was make my anger boil even more than usual. i stopped taking them 4 i was afraid i was going to hurt someone instead of my self. everybody out there makes me feel worse knowing that i would be easier if i wasn't alive. i take in food that hey could be eating instead of me. knowing that is takes up room for me have treatment. while i am in there another person could be waiting to get in and when i get out it might be to late. i only have forever sadness. i can only c the bad in everything. g2g. i like to let out my sorrow out on message boards. thank you to whom made this message board. it helps out more that is realized.