What is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CinCA, Mar 26, 2006.

  1. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    I read these posts about people's friends coming over to help them, or their husbands/families being so supportive of them with their illnesses. My husband claims he loves me so much, yet he is so critical and intolerant. We have basically no family help, and of my friends, only a handful have even called or e-mailed me since we moved (I'm up to 4 now, including my realtor), and I've made no new friends in this new area. I've also encountered so many nasty, rude people that hubby tells me it's my fault and I am the one being nasty to bring it on.

    I even called my realtor/friend and asked her point blank if I was such the nasty person hubby seems to paint me as (she said no, and she would tell me honestly if it was otherwise). But CFS has gotten me so cynical, and there are so many times it's all I can do to think clearly and get anything out, let alone worry about social graces these days. And I have no patience for dealing with anything...it's all I can do to take care of our daughter. It's not like I broadcast the CFS thing...I try to go about my days as best I can.

    I just don't understand why I can't seem to find any support. What am I doing wrong? Or is the the life of someone with CFS? It seems I am always the one driving to see someone, making the phone calls, bringing gifts, etc. And now that I don't have the energy, no one seems to return the favor. I guess that is just how life goes, but it makes me so sad and lonely at times. Thank you so much to everyone on this board...honestly, the people here have been nicer than 99% of the people I've met in person, which is great but also so sad.

    Thanks.
    C.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/26/2006]
  2. CountryRocker

    CountryRocker New Member

    I think sometimes we bring people down even if we're trying to be upbeat because they can see the strain on our faces or through our body language. There are some people who will back off of a new friend who gives a lot to start out with also. I don't know why that is, but it happens a lot. Even I find myself backing off of a new person if they appear in too much of a rush to be my friend. I suppose I'd have to sit down and figure out why that is but my mood isn't in a place to figure things out right now.
    Try going slow to build a relationship with people and trust the ones who do for you instead of you always doing for them.
    I'd stop second guessing myself like it seems you're doing. You're you and you seem like a nice caring person. Don't let anyone tell you anything different.
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    trust me if i lived nearer i would be a friend you couldn't get rid of....

    based on my past of getting married then my hubby at the time joined the uscg..we moved ot va, to michigan, to california, back ot michigan then now we are living in california but we are divorced...

    so what i have found with my friends and old classmates i am the one that stays in touch, make that phone call..not thme me my family same thing...they live in mich...do you think that come out here to cali or when i lived in virfgnia nope...that is my side of the family the ex's parents came out a three times insorry that is 4 times insince 1987 to present..othewise i guess people look as if we are the one that left the loop

    my sister would ask when are you coming back or firends family...well theygo on their vacations to wherever they want to florida or any other place...

    i am sorry you are sad,,,i know how you feel...i have had many friends come and go from the coast guard... and now i am divorced...out here in cali...family live in michigan...my son has until 2008 and he graduates from high school..then it is off to college...

    i want to get a new career and hopefully work somehow...

    i am confuse about alot of things and my future....one minute i have my ex saying i need to try and stay here in california.. then yesterday he's telling me how he needs to hurry up and move back east to michigan..

    a coouple weeks ago i told him my rent was getting increased...he said i needed to move it isn;t worthemoney...i said i no i was thinking about moving ot michigan...he got snappy or manipualtioning...syas i should pay the rent increase so my kid can stay here...i said why should i stay here when i can go back to michigan and buy a really nice home for what i pay for rent....he got really quiet...then he said i shoudld move to san jose then cody could walk to schoolt and it is cheaper...

    that i 75 miles away...

    joide


  4. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    And I am only a few (well, maybe several) hours south of you, as I'm about an hour north of L.A. now. It makes me feel better I'm not the only one...maybe it's just something with CA, I keep trying to tell myself. I have friends to this day I met when living in AZ, and I still have good friends from kindergarten and college from my younger days. It's just hard when it keeps going like this, esp. as hubby feeds right into it all. But as I said before, I really do need to get to bed. Thanks, and have a good rest of your week. I so appreciate your helpful post, and let me know if you ever want to chat! :)

    C.
  5. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Our posts crossed (my reply to your post). So sorry to hear you're also experiencing this, and I hope you do find some nice friends (or at least good neighbors) in your retirement village.

    It's just even my mom was out here the other week and started getting on me. And the in-laws are almost non-stop (fortunately we see little of them despite them living in the area). Like I said, it's gotten so pervasive I have started to wonder if it IS me. But on the other hand, I am to the point I don't even want to make friends, something that gives hubby more arguing ammunition as he says I'm "not even trying" when I say how much I hate it here. I am being plenty nice...I don't go around with a dark cloud over my head (I think)...I just am so "over" all of it and don't have the energy to deal. I figure if a friend drops from the sky, that will be a cool thing. And I did actually meet a nice family on our trip, who have a little girl a month older than ours. They only live an hour from us, and the mom's sister lives about 15 mins. away, so they're in this area often. Maybe that will turn into something, at least for my daughter. She is lonely, too, and is begging for a playdate. But there is no one to invite over. It's sad. Hubby won't budge...won't even consider commuting, getting a small apt. for during the week, anything. It's a nasty situation. I just try to keep busy (not hard with my kiddo), and I'm fortunate there are so many nice, understanding people on this board. Thank you!
    C.
  6. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i would love to go to the chat room sometime...i do get lonely here and stressed about my ex and i know you are going thru some difficult situations...

    well i should go to bed also...i don'tknow if i will or not..sorta down in the dumps...

    but i need to pull through...

    talk to you later

    jodie
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    at all...i just beleive some how that when we move away they forget about us...i don't know why that is...but they have all of their old friends and family near by...

    we are special people we have to acclimate to many different divirse people on this earth...i can tell just about what state someon lives in if i am sitting in airport...my mother inlaw didin't believe me...until i proved her wrong...


    honeny i have a fe friends and i am still calling them...

    jodie
  8. tonakay

    tonakay New Member

    Will your daughter be old enough this fall to start kindergarten? It will help you so much when she is in school for a while. It'll give you some much needed time to yourself. Hold on girl, it'll get better!

    Hugz,
    Tona
  9. Crispangel66

    Crispangel66 New Member

    My husband is my only support besides this group. I have no understanding friends, all they ever want to know is why I haven't been to church.

    Then when they ask how I am feeling they don't really want to know. They always say well you look so good. Well that is usually b/c I put on make up and dress a nice as possible, I figured out that if I wear pink I am not as depressed all the time.

    I never get any help from anyone other than my husband and son.

    My sister in-law who has fibro doesn't have it as bad as I do and she said it makes her depressed to talk about fibro. So I have no one to talk to about it except ya'll.

    Pamela
  10. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    There is nothing wrong with you except you are sick and trying to hang on the best you can..

    I have had CFS for six years and my life has changed so much..I worked, loved going and doing with my grandchildren and now great grans but no more..Now all I seem to do is try to take care of me and get use to living and being with just me..I feel so alone.

    My husband has his job, my children need me but I can't be there for them, my friends that I thought I had I never hear from them..I think the loneless is almost as hard on us as the CFS..But I really don't feel up to socalizing and I can't be dependable..How many plans are made and broken because of me..

    Sometimes I think that people do not know how to be with us and since we are so tired maybe they are afraid they are bothering us..I have tried to learn to live in my new world and make the best of it..But I do think about how things use to be and it really makes me so sad..

    You are young and as time goes by things will get better so hang on. There is nothing wrong with you..Its this horrible DD..

    I have been through a lot during my long years and have never had anything to affect me so bad mentally and physically as this CFS..

    Hang in there,
    greatgran
  11. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    We hadn't heard from you for awhile, then I remembered that you were away from home. Hopefully it was a good trip.

    It is hard starting over again in a new place. Just keep being you and you'll meet some new friends...your daughter too. Maybe you could follow up on the family you met while on your trip. Sometimes we have to make the first move.

    Anyway, glad you're back! Terri
  12. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I can feel the anger and hurt in your post.And every bit of how you feel is understandable here.

    Sometimes I just want to hit somebody so bad cause I get so angry dealing with this every single day of my life.

    I think when you are a caring person like you are that always does for others that people like that get ignored cause everyone seems to think we got it all togther.And also they like to be on the recieving side that you so gladly fill for them.Some or most of these people don't know how to give.

    You need to learn to give to YOURSELF.

    The heck with everyone that keeps letting you down and sucking the wind out of your sail.

    Be your own best friend.

    As good hearted as you are I think you would really like yourself.

    Does that make sense?

    Just take care of you for a change and don't let what hubby says keep you from feeling what you want and need to feel.

    Shut, we can't all be jolly all the time.

    You take care ok.

    Sheila
  13. mamaeagle0103

    mamaeagle0103 New Member

    I am so heartbroken by your post. I have the same problem. I was just DX (it will be 3 wks on thurs) but I suffered in silence for 15 yrs. I also only have my husband for support. I do not know if my Mom is showing concern because she really believes me or if she is just, shoot, I don't know. I do not mean to make this about me. I just wanted to let you know that I can sooo relate and I also have to work at having a smile on my face. Hell, even that can be excruciating when my FMS is flaring!! hehehe
  14. HeartsinOhio

    HeartsinOhio New Member

    I sure can relate to what you wrote. I feel like I have no friends anymore either. I realized that I was doing all the "keeping in touch" and if I didnt do it, it didnt happen. I dont have energy to do much anymore, besides my job and taking care of my home. But I can tell you I sure miss having friends. I must of driven them away, I dont know but it is lonely. My husband is ok, but he doesnt want to hear about how I feel. My sons have their own lives. No one wants to hear from a sickly person. Take care, you are not alone. Pat
    [This Message was Edited on 03/27/2006]
  15. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    I really appreciate all of your posts and support! At least I know I can get (((((hugs))))) here!

    Well, today has started out okay. I got my daughter to school (she's in a pre-K/K combo class 5 days a week) just under an hour late...fortunately they are very accomodating, and I am somewhat jet-lagged (we were 2 hours behind on our trip). The sun is shining, and although it's supposed to rain again tonight, it's actually the tiniest bit warm outside (in the 60s and not the 50s). I don't know what temp. it is...our thermometer is packed somewhere still in the garage, likely along with our calendar, which I never did find. I gave up and got a beautiful new one (calendar) on our trip for 99 cents at the hotel store, and strangely, I feel much more "centered" since I hung it on a nail still on the wall in the kitchen (we haven't wanted to make new holes as we are renting). It's weird what things make you feel comfortable. :)

    I still am having a very hard time, and the 15 mi. trek to take kiddo to school was tough. Dealing with a major so. Cal. freeway is a bit of a culture shock after being on an island with pretty much all two-lane highways and minimal traffic. I definitely liked that setup much, much better...So. Cal. is way too built up and crazy for me, but this is where hubby grew up and where his family is.

    I am planning to call the mom I met on our trip later today, once I find where I put her phone number. They don't live all that far away (an hour, which is realistic out here), so maybe we can plan to get together some day. My daughter was asking about her daughter this morning. My kiddo is such the friendly person, and I'm glad at least she is making some little buddies at school. It's just hard for me to keep making the efforts to stay in touch these days...sure you all can understand.

    Well, I tend to get "stuck" on the computer, and I have lots to do today, so I'd better run. But thank you so very much for everyone's posts...they really do help me feel like maybe I am not as messed up as I sometimes think I am. I still have a lot of challenges, and I still don't know what to do re: my marriage, but I am hoping time will work things out one way or another. I just try to take things one day at a time, but it's hard when I am so unhappy, and I know it's much more of a situational thing than depression, etc. I think I just need to get out more, esp. to the beach, parks, etc. That usually helps, once I can get out of slug mode and get myself out the door. :)

    Take care, and I hope this is a good week for everyone...filled with sunshine and minimal pain/fatigue.
    C.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/27/2006]
  16. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Didn't make it to the beach. I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out what sort of annual pass I needed (there was one for state parks; nothing for beaches, which I found out are usually part of state PARKS). We had one last year, and I wanted to get a new one so I could go whenever. But it's the end of the month, and they issue them monthly, so it makes sense to wait 'til the 1st/next week.

    So I sat on the computer longer than I liked, then I had to make a few phone calls to transfer utility services re: to our move, then the pet sitting guy came to drop off the key/get his check, and now it's closing in on when I have to pick up my daughter. I have so many hours in the day to myself when she's at school, but I feel like I waste them away. I hate it...it's like I lose all sense of time now. I did leave a msg. for the wife of one of hubby's coworkers...we met them when hubby was interviewing and he's been bugging me to call her (they also have younger kids), as well as a neighbor with a daughter our daughter's age re: setting up a playdate. So we'll see how that goes.

    I wish I could motivate better. Some days, it's go-go-go and I accomplish so much. Then there are times like this where I just sit. I don't know if I should force myself out or take the downtime if that's what my body is signaling me to do. I can't read any of the signals reliably anymore...very frustrating. I don't know how you all do it, those of you who have been suffering with CFS and/or FM for many years. My heart goes out to you!

    Thanks again.
    C.