What made you come to terms with your limitations and this DD?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by griswoldgirl, Sep 16, 2002.

  1. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I believe the depression I am going through is a mourning process over the person I used to be. I have always been the kind of person that no one could say a bad thing about and loved by everyone who has met me, well, at least liked! LOL And always dependable.

    I am a self made woman whom had a horrible childhood that was robbed from me due to my mothers MS-I ran the household basically since I was 7. My dad was scizophrenic(sp?) and usually refused to take his meds and was in and out of the veteran's hopital for years, hauled off by the police for his outbursts, held my mom and I hostage in the living room for months at a time because "they" were in the back of the house.

    I dropped out of school pregnant at 14 and got married, found away to keep my sanity by getting out of there, had a miscarriage and went on, got divorced and worked and supported myself since then. I got my GED in 1984 and did not go to ultrasound school until I was 38 which was the toughest thing I had ever done-but I made it. Prior to going back to school I have had many respectrable jobs and had my own businesses and have never gotten out of bed for less than 10 dollars an hour. had to work for 2 years and 10 months full time after US school to sit for my boards and jumped that hurdle too! Yea for me! At what cost though?

    Now, I cannot even get up in the morning with out pushing myself out of bed to wake my children and get them off to school. I have no stamana, no desire to take care of the house or anything else-I am plain old wiped out from my life! i have always taken care of everyone else and never myself as well.

    Now I have the opportunity to take care of my self with plenty of rest, baths etc and I feel useless. I am crumpy all the time, I used to smile all the time. I feel spiritually bankrupt, emotionally bankrupt and physically bankrupt. Perhaps this is my bottom so to speak and there is the stairs in front of me to learn balance, self love and limitations. I have never been as tired as I am right now in my entire life and I have been through many years of drama. guess my body has said that is it, NO MORE!

    My husband is on a contract job in Omaha and cannot come home to help or we would be homeless-not much savings. We need the income he makes from traveling to make ends meet-it pays a lot more than straight pay when working for the hospital itself-for those who do not know he is an xray and CT technologist.

    I would like to hear how many of you have come to terms with your disabilities and are leading a decent quality of life. I would also like to hear from those who thinks it stinks as well :)

    today I feel a little better than yesterday and will try and at least get my laundry done and pick up a bit. Then have my two hour nap in the afternoon which has become ritual latelty. The house is so dirty but my friends are coming to help me with that thursday-they are both off-had to let cleaning lady go-too much $$ right now and she was not helping much-it is the day to day stuff that is hurting me-my daughter has a friend who is trying to earn money for her class ring and I have offered to pay her 6 and hour to come and help with the day to day stuff a couple hours a day-but she has not shown up yet so I guess she dows not want that ring that bad and her mom is on welfare.

    It is hard to be middle class, if I were alone with 5 kids I could jump on the government badwagon-but no I cannot collect unemployment because I am not able to work today-was told to reapply after my knee was better, SSI only available after 6 months of being out of work, disability is a no until we hear if workman's comp has been turned down, so here I sit with a new attitude of dreams of lots of mac and cheese in our near future ha ha I am greatful that my husband is making enough for us to get by-it could be a lot worse. We may not get a long very well right now, but he is there for us and has given me controll over the joint account that his paycheck goes into to take care of business. I have an appointment with my therapist today and am glad-she was sent from heaven-she has fms also and really does understand downsizing-she works out of her home now and she used to be a big name has been published etc-and is the rock in my life right now after god first of course.

    look forward to hearing your stories

    cathy
  2. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I believe the depression I am going through is a mourning process over the person I used to be. I have always been the kind of person that no one could say a bad thing about and loved by everyone who has met me, well, at least liked! LOL And always dependable.

    I am a self made woman whom had a horrible childhood that was robbed from me due to my mothers MS-I ran the household basically since I was 7. My dad was scizophrenic(sp?) and usually refused to take his meds and was in and out of the veteran's hopital for years, hauled off by the police for his outbursts, held my mom and I hostage in the living room for months at a time because "they" were in the back of the house.

    I dropped out of school pregnant at 14 and got married, found away to keep my sanity by getting out of there, had a miscarriage and went on, got divorced and worked and supported myself since then. I got my GED in 1984 and did not go to ultrasound school until I was 38 which was the toughest thing I had ever done-but I made it. Prior to going back to school I have had many respectrable jobs and had my own businesses and have never gotten out of bed for less than 10 dollars an hour. had to work for 2 years and 10 months full time after US school to sit for my boards and jumped that hurdle too! Yea for me! At what cost though?

    Now, I cannot even get up in the morning with out pushing myself out of bed to wake my children and get them off to school. I have no stamana, no desire to take care of the house or anything else-I am plain old wiped out from my life! i have always taken care of everyone else and never myself as well.

    Now I have the opportunity to take care of my self with plenty of rest, baths etc and I feel useless. I am crumpy all the time, I used to smile all the time. I feel spiritually bankrupt, emotionally bankrupt and physically bankrupt. Perhaps this is my bottom so to speak and there is the stairs in front of me to learn balance, self love and limitations. I have never been as tired as I am right now in my entire life and I have been through many years of drama. guess my body has said that is it, NO MORE!

    My husband is on a contract job in Omaha and cannot come home to help or we would be homeless-not much savings. We need the income he makes from traveling to make ends meet-it pays a lot more than straight pay when working for the hospital itself-for those who do not know he is an xray and CT technologist.

    I would like to hear how many of you have come to terms with your disabilities and are leading a decent quality of life. I would also like to hear from those who thinks it stinks as well :)

    today I feel a little better than yesterday and will try and at least get my laundry done and pick up a bit. Then have my two hour nap in the afternoon which has become ritual latelty. The house is so dirty but my friends are coming to help me with that thursday-they are both off-had to let cleaning lady go-too much $$ right now and she was not helping much-it is the day to day stuff that is hurting me-my daughter has a friend who is trying to earn money for her class ring and I have offered to pay her 6 and hour to come and help with the day to day stuff a couple hours a day-but she has not shown up yet so I guess she dows not want that ring that bad and her mom is on welfare.

    It is hard to be middle class, if I were alone with 5 kids I could jump on the government badwagon-but no I cannot collect unemployment because I am not able to work today-was told to reapply after my knee was better, SSI only available after 6 months of being out of work, disability is a no until we hear if workman's comp has been turned down, so here I sit with a new attitude of dreams of lots of mac and cheese in our near future ha ha I am greatful that my husband is making enough for us to get by-it could be a lot worse. We may not get a long very well right now, but he is there for us and has given me controll over the joint account that his paycheck goes into to take care of business. I have an appointment with my therapist today and am glad-she was sent from heaven-she has fms also and really does understand downsizing-she works out of her home now and she used to be a big name has been published etc-and is the rock in my life right now after god first of course.

    look forward to hearing your stories

    cathy
  3. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    I am still desperately trying to find the cause and/or the cure. I am convinced I will be the one person on this earth to solve this puzzle. Apparantly delusions of grandeur os a part of this DD.
    I cried & cried reading your post, I have cried so much lately my eyes are permanently swollen, I just cannot accept this, it is too horrible. My husband has a heart condition that requires a pacemaker, he will be lucky to have 10 good years left, he is 39, we have an 8 yo son, it is unbearable pain to me at this point emotionally. I don't know how you people go on for years like this, I have only had it since May 18. I cannot seem to stop crying lately, I seem to have lost hope. I had a career I loved, I was good at it. Dr seems to think I should be able to work. I would love that.

    Jaci
  4. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    It is still new to me.I do teach piano in my home,I sleep until I have to get up and teach. The past two years have been horrible. My husband, who is older than I, has had many health problems, heart surgery, 2 hip replacements, diabetes, and now chronic leukemia all in a two year span. We don't live near any family. My life is really up in the air. I think my body has gone into shock and just can't take the stress anymore. I hope for peace someday in my life, it won't be soon, I have three teens to put through college any little money to do it.Anyway, enough complaining, I need a nap.
  5. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    I came to terms with my illness when it hit me over the head with a 2 x 4. Before that when I complained of fatigue I was told there was nothing wrong with me. All my physical complaints were dx'd as depression and anxiety for over 5 years.

    When I was so sick two weeks after starting school last year that I couldn't even walk from a parking lot to my destination. When I couldn't hold a phone becuse it hurt too much. When I had to lie with my feet draped over the back of the sofa just to be able to breathe, and my PCP still telling me it was anxiety! That's when I had no choice but to find out what was wrong with me and come to terms with it.

    For me it was a relief to find out I had been physically ill for years and everything was not in my head. I didn't grieve then because I finally knew what was wrong. I turned it all over to God and it has been much easier to deal with the ups and downs of my illness, the neverending disability paperwork, and the uncertainty of what the future holds for me.

    Barbara

  6. Bunnylover

    Bunnylover New Member

    Hi All, I too came from a dysfunctional family. My Dad was an alchoholic and Mom was just one angry woman. Being the oldest I ended up being the caretaker and did this forever
    even after my marriage and this led me in to depression.
    I have suffered now with clinical dep for a long time and have made lots of adjustments. I learned to take care of me first. I take antidepressants and have been changed so many times I lost count. They help when you can find the right one. I cant work anymore but I trust the good Lord will take care of us. My husband is the best and can always talk me into a good mood. I have various activities I do.Talking it out with someone you trust helps too. I feel for you having children at home. It was so hard when mine were here.
    Terri
  7. TeresaBnGA

    TeresaBnGA New Member

    Cathy,
    Even though I have only recently been diagnosed, I believed I had something similar for several years. I think what really made me come to grips with it is when I fell down a flight of stairs and hurt myself pretty bad and was laid up for awhile. I still have not gotten over that accident. I still have problems. Being laid up and thinking and how long it took me to heal. All contributed to me finally saying, I can't do the things that I used to. My old life is gone. I grieve to and yes I think that contributes to the depression.
    Hope this has been a little helpful to you!

    Soft hugs!
    Teresa :)
  8. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    to the future that things will be better. i make an effort to not look back, i have in-laws that are constantly bringing up things that happened even 20 years ago (yes, they are a sick bunch) and, i try not to look too far ahead, but live for the day, or at least the week! wish i could remember that good saying about living in the present. how your life will be swept away from you if you live in the past and future.

    one day at a time is a good slogan for a lot of us! my husband is AA for almost 20 years and he says that is how he has made it this far!!

    of course, you have caught me on a "good" day, i would probably give you the "wrath" story if in a flare!!!! keep your chin up and watch something funny on tv, a good laugh is what you need today! can you tape jay leno, he is on late at night but always funny to watch.

    warm regards, fibolady
  9. PAT

    PAT New Member

    I also lived the dysfunctional childhood, including abuse. Growing up as the caretaker to my 4 brothers because of a very depressed mom, I decided that MY children would NEVER have to live that way. I will take care of them no matter what it costs me physically and emotionally, BUT I have had to learn to take help when I can get it, and teach my kids to be responsible for helping make our home run smoothly. I don't know the ages of your children, but even my 20 MONTH old daughter helps out! We have made a game of her standing at the clothes dryer and handing me the clothes one by one. I say, "Whose it this?" and she will name the person it belongs to and hand it to me! Keeps me from having to bend too much! The rest of my kids are boys (have 5) and they are not as eager to to housework, but if they want privileges, they help. My husband helps when he can, but he works long hours. I am a very spiritual person, and in the past year have made it a priority to start each day with prayer and study time with my bible. It is amazing the difference it has made in my outlook for the day.


    You are very fortunate to have friends who will help you, LET THEM KNOW how much it means to have help. I know there are many days when I stress because I have so much to do, and don't have it in me to do it all. So, I DON'T! If you can accomplish ONE thing a day (a load of laundry done and put away, cleaning one room of the house well,etc...) then feel good about that one thing.

    Most importantly, I have chosen to NOT EVER dwell on the past. I am correcting the mistakes my parents made, so that the cycle doesn't continue on to my children. Does it do any good at all to worry about yesterday? It's gone. And tomorrow is unpredictable. So as much as this disease STINKS, I don't let it take over and dictate my life.(Most of the time!!)
    I too am a self made woman, but I know God has brought me this far, and He will never let me give up.
    I am not one of those 'happy-go-lucky,big sloppy grin on my face, always looking for the silver lining' types of people, but I choose not to live a life on the couch in a funk and depressing my kids. Just try to make the most of every day, and when you must vent, come here and do it!! We understand, sympathize, and will all do it too at times!
    I hope tomorrow is better for you! Patti G
  10. garyandkim

    garyandkim New Member

    activities I had done. First Ballet and I was accepted at the Acadamy in Phila. Age 12. Then Tennis at 19 I was top seat at my club and wanted to go pro. These were just two things I loved and had to find something else. I guess it's just part of my personnality I just go on. I acept what is and what I can do. I started to study Phycology at 15 and continued for 9 years. You have to accept or will will become depressed and angry. Yes, many go through the greaving stages and this is normal. When you accept your limitations you are happier. Finding things you can do even ones you thought you would hate, you maybe surprised and find you love these things to. I love to watch action movies, warm water hydro theryopy. Helping people through counciling. Now I just do what I can. My Mother always called me her little camelion. This is some of how I cope. Today I had an EMG and found that I have Carpal tunnel in both hands. To me it's just another thing to add to the list. Knowing that there are others like me helps to for I have the comfort from them to.

    Take care, Kim
  11. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I made a website, and it has some info on the grief process. I wouldve loved to had added more.

    I went through the trying to find a cure, and how I got it. But it got me nowhere. It made me more depressed, and the depression cause me more pain.

    I think about the things I can do, not on the things I cannot do now. I can do alot of things still.

    Money is tight with me and my family right now too. My husband makes great money truckdriving, and got hurt in June. He broke his back, and he has MS. He is on Workers Comp,and it helps to make ends meet.With me being so sick for so long, I couldnt work for awhile. We have filed Chapter 7, losing our home, and lost one of our vehicles.
    He cant return to work until Jan. 2003. And possibly not then either. I just started a full time job, and it will help to make ends meet.

    I came to terms with it after some time. I still go back occasionly to depressoin, and other stages of grief.They dotn last long now, I find ways to cope, not a cure.

  12. BethM

    BethM New Member

    to read your stories. I have so little to complain about in comparison! Thank you all for sharing. I will remember you when I am down and blue about the things I can no longer do, about the pain and the grief, about one more blessed label of something else wrong with me.

    I am grateful for the love and closeness of my parents and sisters and family, for my wonderful spouse, for the fact that the FMS didn't hit like a ton of bricks until after my boys left home. And for being able to still work full time, too. (Yep, 2 kids and a spouse in college, I better keep working!)

    You've given me lots to think about, my friends. Maybe it'll help me come to terms with this DD, after all.

    Peace,
    Beth.
  13. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    can you email me a link to your website, I would love to see it, email it to onthegreen@owt.com.

    thanks!

    Jaci
  14. tired42long

    tired42long New Member

    Coming to terms is not exactly what I call my recent assessment...I think allowing the anger to come out and to stop allowing the docs in my life WAY too much control> I was told to go home and rest...eat right. I was "waiting" away my life. I am trying to be a little more active and proactive with my health. I remember having my first child...I laid in a bed for 16 hours,in pain and wasn't allowed to get up and walk around. I was given what the DOCTOR wanted me to have, and did what the DOCTOR wanted me to do. The breathing and "controlled" labor wasn't cutting it for me,,,and believe me, I am not some little whiner fairy princess girl! I couldnt' voice a thing because I put that man and many others since on a pedestal surely as high as Gods. I have learned too late for many life experiences but early enough for THIS one, that you own your body and the docs are merely consultants in your care...they get paid because YOU hire them to. Of course, you have to be reasonable and professional regarding this, but I think it's important to carry this with you to every dr. appt. I have so many of you to thank for this courage and confidence. I am also not sitting around grieving every second away because I CAN'T. I have knocked the rotten T off that word and found many things I can still do, like read to my little one, be a good listener (or at least when I can think clearly enough), snuggle with my husband while watching a movie, and enjoy a simple meal at the table with family---Not a seven course meal, mind you, but burgers and tator tots, or even a frozen pizza tastes just fine if I can be satisfied in knowing that's all I could muster for the day and not beat myself up for being a "better" wife and mom. I feel so much loss for losing my job to this, and the little career I went back to school for. If there is any hope, I do think someday I will be able to go back at least part time. That is my dream and hope...we need it financially...but for now I get to sit by my kids in time of calm and chaos and be by there side....such as I am.

    Cathy, thanks for making me THINK instead of worry or grieve, even if just for this moment. And guess what, we share a birthday! Do you know we are both SAINTS? LOL. But you are a year older...Nah,nannaah,nah,nah,!!!!Just kidding.Smiles to you!!
  15. sybil

    sybil New Member

    i doubt i ever will.
    i want some to say to me...'this is the cause...and this is what you have to do to get well'
    instead of...'we don't know what causes it'...'take this pill,it may work'.....'go to physio...it may help'

    sybilxxx
  16. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    This web site is like hjome to me full of names with no faces that understand me more than anyone wlse ever has.

    I went to bed last night at 6pm and woke up at 8am feeling still like I could sleep for ever, but too much pain to stay in bed. so, I stretched in my bed, mediatated awhile and now am on heating pad talking to you guys.

    todays goal are the laundry that needs folding and my room which is an obsticle course so I donot trip and break the other leg when I get home from surgery on friday LOL

    thank uyou so much for reaching out and caring about me I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

    in friednship

    cathy
  17. debrastets

    debrastets New Member

    Its so hard to be living one way and having to change it all! I am still not use to it. I am learning different ways to do things! Its alote of stress and that alone will afect your pain! The sooner you aply for SSI the better! It took 13 mths for me and You could get it faster than that .I was only off work 1 mth when i filed. You are in my prayers and you are not alone!
  18. stormypink

    stormypink New Member

    My story is similar to many of yours. I had fibromyalgia for years and in January, my doctor found that
    I have a swollen liver and spleen. There were lots of tests and then the decision to do a biopsy on a lymph node near my collar bone. The surgeon cut or moved some nerves in my neck/shoulder and it caused a pain syndrome that is still causing trouble to this day. My husband was already out of work, drawing unemployment. When I became unable to work in April, we tried to file for welfare---but we made too much money. $1200 amonth is too much money for a family of 3. Well we lost both our cars and we have barely nmanaged to make our house payments. Now my job has decided, since I can't pay my portion of my health insurance--the are going to cancel it! Can you believe that? They know that 2 weeks ago I had a bone marrow biopsy to try to determine if I have Lymphoma. They will not allow me to return to work as a part time employee. I filed for Long Term Disability thru my job and it has been 3 months and I call them almost every day and they always need some other record or something....I keep thinking about my life insurance policy and how I should take advantage of it while I still have a large policy. But I have a 15 year old and she is a good girl...she keeps me going, but it is hard. My husband is a diabetic and has problem with high lipids and he has to take a lot of meds. He used to be a manager of a department at a large company. Now he can't get a job.
    Thank God for the food programs in our city that give us rice and beans. When you tell your story to people like the electric company... they just stare at you like, "so what"...
    Note to anyone thinking of going on disability...don't.
    Stormypink
  19. clueless

    clueless New Member

    to all of you who have had such hard "growing up years" and then when you have what you would like out of this life just to get this demeaning, painful disease that rules every thing you do. I had symtoms of it but did`nt know what it was, I had taken falls and the last one from on the dryer where I was painting--flat on the floor on my back. That is the hardest for me to give up, papering,painting etc. I am older and managed to get thru my working years.This is a terrible disease but I got an email from a friend telling me she has pancreas,liver and lymph node cancer which means the end of her life. This is a happy, friendly,immensely talented painter plus other attributes and I cried for her thru my pain.We are handed different things in life to try and handle and some are worse than others.I believe those of you who have grown up"hard" and then have this happen ,are carrying a real heavy load and you have my blessings to manage to carry on with your life hard as it is.I wish you less pain and hopefully a lighter heart. May God Bless!!!
  20. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    on others and god seems to be the answer. I was always a rock amongst the worse of situations and the rock has shrunk. I think this is a good thing. i am blessed to finally realize that it is okay to be me.

    As all other crisises in my life this too shall pass. I am resting a lot this week and eating real well. lots off veges, fruits and things good for me, I want to be strong for my surgery so I recover better. I have let goof the house and/or any other things that do not HAVE to be done and the stress level has gone down.

    I am also helping a neighbor who has such severe asthma that she is been in destress for 3 weeks now and her right lung will not open up-not being able to breathe is scary-my hubby has asthma and I have never seen a person as bad off as her-she has nohealth insurance and is dealing with a health serve ministry whom has done real good by her, they finally sent home anebulizer so she can give herself breathing treatments. Last night she admitted to us that she has not taken her meds yesterday and emotionally had given up-she just wants to goin peace-I am calling helath serve for her today to see about gtting her to a specialist.

    If I have not learned anything in this life I have learned that someone is always worse off than you and helping others when you are buried in self pitty helps you get out of self. Mind you we have a team of 4 friends watching over her, but being able to turn her around last night and making her want to fight for life was avery rewarding experience and I feel better today.

    cathy