What punishments come after timeouts???

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by painterZ, Apr 7, 2007.

  1. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    I have a ten year old daughter whom I do not have full custody of. I know she sees me as sort of an outsider to her family unit. Tonight she was so mischevious I had to punish her...the only thing I knew to do was to give her a time-out. She even fought me on the punishment, but eventually sat for her ten minutes, right as her father came to pick her up. (who by-the-way said in front of her, "Ten minutes is too long.") What do you do for your tweens, especially those who don't have any regular custody?


    Thanks.


    painterZ
  2. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    THE THING I FOUND MOST EFFECTIVE IN MY DAY CARE THEY WHERE AGES 4 TO 12 IS WRITING THEY HATED IT BUT IT WORKED THE BEST IF THEY WHERE RUDE AND OLD ENOUGH I WOULD MAKE THEM WRITE APOLOGY LETTERS THE YOUNGER ONES I HAD THEM PRACTICE THEIR NAMES YOU CAN ALSO TAKE AWAY THE PHONE COMPUTER OR GAMES I FIND THIS MOST EFFECTIVE WITH MY OWN CHILDREN MY 16 YR OLD IS THE MOST BEHAVED I HAVE EVER SEEN AND YET HE CAN GO TO MY MOTHERS WHERE ANYTHING GOES AND BE A MONSTER HOPE THIS HELPS CHARLENE
  3. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I just glad to see you were able to have some time alone with your daughter. It's been a long time since I had 10 yr daughters, but in your situation, I would just be extra careful about what you think is unacceptable behavior and what is acceptable at her home.

    Hope you have a peaceful Easter!

    budmickl
  4. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    The rule that I always heard is 1 minute for each year of age. 10 years old = 10 minutes in time out.

    The thing I'd be careful about is using the word "punishment". This should be a time of discipline, and she should perceive it as such.

    I don't know the dynamics of the relationship between you and her father----but I wouldn't be surprised if the child is manipulating the two of you. This is common with shared custody.

    The thing I learned about "time out" is that the objective is to change the atmosphere. In other words, it didn't matter if they sat there and colored, read a book, stewed, tap danced and sang(one of my son's favorites), or what------the important thing is to change the dynamics of what is causing the problem.

    I had an "x" printed onto an index card. I taped the card on the floor in the middle of my foyer. As long as he stayed by the "x" in the foyer, I learned not to make an issue out of what he was doing. I deliberately gave no lectures, no passing remarks, no visual contact at all.

    When the timer went, I gave him a hug, asked if he had any questions, and we moved on.

    Lecturing will build up walls.

    I think an important question to ask is what was her motive in being mischievous? Was it for attention? Was it to cause a commotion right before her father came to get her?

    Do you have other children and she felt you weren't paying enough attention to her?

    Kids usually do goofy things for a reason---it doesn't have to make sense to us. They don't have our life experience, so they just react.


    I'm certainly not saying to let her do whatever she wants. I'm suggesting that you try figuring out why she is being mischievous or acting up in the first place.

    Does she like listening to stories? If so, try putting her next to you in a recliner and read a short story to her. Discuss the pictures. Ask her opinion about stuff in the story and then listen. Children feel a bond when they perceive their opinions matter.

    Anyway, these are just my suggestions. You obviously know more about the situation than I do. I'm trying to offer some suggestions to maybe help ease your daughter's uneasiness with these transitions.
  5. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    I have too boys 11 and 15 years old. I think I only did time-outs till they were about 8. After that I found other things more effective. Go over the rules with her so she can see clearly some boundries. THen have a consequence that you follow through on.

    I took away privileges such as tv,computer time etc.. Another thing I use as punishment is making them do a chore. They hate that. As someone else said, making them write is very, very effective. If she talks back, have her write say 25 times, "I will be respectful and not talk back." It worked when I was a kid and it still works.

    Kids are a handful but if we treat them respectfully but with a firm hand they do well.
  6. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Hi. I just thought of something else. When my son turned about 5 or 6, I gave him the option of doing laps around the house or time out. He would choose the time out at night time . he normally chose the laps during the day. By the time he finished doing laps, he normally forgot that he was being disciplined. he would come in with bird feathers that he found, worms, leaves, acorns, butterfly, etc.

    We would talk about his "finds" and just move on.
  7. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    I really did think my daughter seemed a little old for a time-out but I had to think fast on my feet. I can't really correct her by taking things away like Nintendo use, or phone use, because I only have her for a very limited time, and it's usually at my parents house, or at the house where my daughter lives. I did like the idea of writing things out, I think that may be helpful. I always explain why I felt I needed to correct her, but asking her way she engaged in the behavior in the first place also seemed like an idea I could use at this time.

    Thanks again.

    painterZ
  8. pat460

    pat460 New Member

    My opinion goes in a different direction--leaning toward what joyfully posted. When you don't live with your child all the time, discipline is a more delicate matter. When my husband and I married, I gained two 9year old twin boys, both of whom are now grown. Mostly, I let him handle the discipline because as their father, I felt it should be his responsibility. But it was really tough as we had them only on weekends. Resentment comes easy to children(especially when they see their parent only a couple of days at a time) when punishment has to be doled out during their short visit.

    I suggest you speak to a counselor or find pertinent info in books written by experts. It doesn't sound like the father is in your court on this one. Your daughter may be acting out for a reason related to the divorce. There may be blame or feelings of rejection involved--that's where the experts come in, helping you figure out why she's misbehaving and needing that kind of attention.

    Long ago and far away, I worked with children who acted out and had no self control. One little boy I remember well. His mother couldn't figure out what the problem was and she was at her wits end. His behavior escalated until he ended up pulling a knife on her. Relax, I know your daughter isn't out of control like that. The reason I bring it up is this--when he started opening up to me, I asked why(not directly but using methods I had been taught) he would do such a thing to his mother whom he loved so much. It eventually came out that he thought his mother made his daddy leave and he was very upset with her. Now, his father was in prison and low and behold he was there for cutting up a woman with a knife(thankfully she didn't die!). But you see how kids of divorce get crazy ideas in their head? That's why you need to find out the motivation behind her behavior. She probably won't tell you and may not even know herself. That's where the professionals come in.

    It takes time for children to adapt(often years)but it won't hurt to be open with her and ask how she feels about things. She can tell you how a situation makes her feel but she probably can't tell you why it makes her feel that way so I wouldn't even ask any why do you or why are you questions.

    Get some help--get some peace in the household. That's just my opinion and only you know your situation. Hope things go well for you and your daughter. Pat