What to do when you have to let go of the old?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by seireiofhope, Dec 9, 2010.

  1. seireiofhope

    seireiofhope New Member

    Recently, it has been hitting me really hard that I will never be able to have a normal life. If I am lucky I can have a low stress job and a husband, maybe a kid. But what if all of those dreams (the awesome career, the loving husband, the three kids) can never come true? I have been bawling my eyes out for the past few days just mourning the fact of what I have lost. At first I didn't know what I was crying about, but then a friend of mine (who has cfs and fibro) told me that she thought I was mourning the loss of what could have been and what will be now. Has anyone else gone through that? Is it a 'normal' part of the process of dealing with fms? Any tips on how to accept the fact that my life will never be the same now? I could use a little encouragement.
    Thanks guys
  2. artyreader

    artyreader Member

    and I also, even though I've been dealing with fibromyalgia , and the major losses I've been enduring because of it, for many years now (no more ability to work, living at very low poverty level/no money, impoverished social life, and much more) my dreams still burn with a high heat.
    The only thing I can say at this moment, not knowing the particulars of your life (your age, your family and other support--or none---in your life, your financial resources, and if you are still able to work or not, and what enjoyable meaningful activities you are still able to do, among other things) is to educate yourself as much as possible about fms (this website is great for both info and support ) and to allow grief--very very normal and understandable when you are facing the possibility of not being able to have that meaningful life you have always wanted, and to allow yourself to feel ALL your emotions, and, if you can, seek out counseling or support groups if you find ones that 'get' fms (not all therapists or support groups are created equal!).
    Though i want to say more, ( I am exhausted and my mind is mush at this moment! ) I'll just wrap this up by applauding your courage in posting this, in reaching out.
    I wish you all the best.
  3. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    While I believe it is healthy and natural to mourn that which we have actually lost when we are faced with these and any DDs, I do not think it is healthy to focus on what we perceive as future losses. We are not able to see the future, so how can we mourn the loss of what we don't know? I'm not discounting what you are feeling by any means, I am just trying to give you a different perspective.

    I'm not pretending to have the answer in any shape or form at all, I actually broke down and quietly cried myself to sleep last night, making sure my son did not hear me. But, I have found that if I arm myself with my sense of humor and always focus on the positive, no matter how small, I not only feel better mentally, but I have fewer crashes and I am able to cope much better.

    I have also recently noticed that my 'mom' friends have been withdrawing from me. I'm not sure why, but I realized I don't care. I have realized that for the first time in my life I am happy, and it is b/c of my perspective. I recently began focusing on the positives in my life, which believe me, are fewer than the negatives. I've also realize that whatever I am going through right now is temporary. I even apply this mentality and behavior to the the major health issues my son and I are both battling right now.

    Focusing on the negative or what could/should/would have been will me, you, or anyone else no good. In fact, I was just dealt a huge blow on Wednesday, but I refuse to let it take me down. I've been down that road before, and let me tell you, allowing anyone or thing to decide your emotions for you is something you will regret. You can never get that time back, and time is all we have.

    Mourn. It is a perfectly healthy and normal behavior. When you are done mourning accept that yes, this sucks, but this is something you have to deal with. Then, and this is not an easy task, decide on how your are going to deal with it. Are you going to go back to mourning and allow it to take control of you and define you or are your going to choose how to define yourself?

    You are in a difficult place right now. We have all been there. Some are still there. Some of us still visit. It can get better. The choice is yours.

    Sof hugs
  4. kat0465

    kat0465 New Member

    from e3verybody sire, we all have been where your at. even tho i have 2 kids, that i managed to raise to adulthood, i still look back from time to time and long for the days when they were little. i missed out on a lot back then!

    My husband isn't understanding about my disease, and rarely asks how i am or what the dr said. he is busy living the life he has, which is full.

    i guess what im trying to say is, we all have those nagging regrets for what might have been or will never be. and it's ok to visit that from time to time, get it out and cry about it. it makes me feel better when i do, as long as i dont stay there very long.

    the other Kat made a good Point, you have to say it's ok and move on. i don't know anyone that has a perfect life, and honestly the few that i thought did, turns out they have Problems i wouldnt want to trade my disease for.

    Now that being said, don't think for a min i don't want a treatment or cure!! i long for it every day.you can't give up, but i don't think it hurts to give in from time to time and just let it all out.

    and whats normal anyways?? as long as your here breathing theres a way to get those things that mean the most to you. one child instead of 3, a husband even if he isn't Prince charming,lol.

    remember, Florence Nightingale started the red cross from her Bed,the chick that wrote seabiscuit did it from her bed, sick with cfids. where theres a will theres a way!! Keep your head up Honey, your lifeboat is full :)

    {{Hugs}} Kat
  5. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Hi Seirei - It is a very normal reaction to go through a grieving stage once you realize what isn't going to be. It is hard to accept that your dreams cannot become a reality. I went through that stage in my early 40s once I realized that I wasn't going to have the husband, house and kids. Over time I have been able to accept this and to learn to like the life that I have at present. I don't love my life, however, I don't get depressed about it either.

    Now that I am in my early 50s I have learned to be grateful for what I do have and what I am able to accomplish in a day, even if on some days I don't get much done. As bad as it seems sometimes, life could be a lot worse. I've learned that if you have a home, a warm bed and good food each day, then there is nothing to complain about.

    It takes time to get to the acceptance stage. For some people councelling helps.
  6. coolma

    coolma New Member

    Yes, you are not alone. We have pretty much all experienced your loss. You are in a grieving stage. It is as if a part of you died. This is what happens in serious illness. With such startling life changes...it is the same feeling as grieving. Don't let anyone discount it.
    With that said...the thing which has helped me (I am 15 years in, and totally rebuilt my life)_ is a quote, which I kept by my bed and in my purse for years.
    "Sometimes we go through change, or loss in life. And this loss causes great change, and can bring great depression. But always know that WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER DOOR OPENS, AND SOMETIMES WITH BLESSINGS YOU HAD NEVER COUNTED ON NOR EXPECTED".
    It is a change if mindset when you dwell on these words.
    You will have to learn to handle your pain. You will have to learn to treat it, to get the help you need to overcome all you are suffering. You will have to take time and read and become knowledgeable about it, and then do in minor doses, what you can to help yourself. Reach out to your community, libraries, support workers, doctors, community care access centres, anywhere that you can think of. Down the road, when things are under control, you start by doing one thing in your life. Perhaps it is 1 hour of volunteer work someplace. You will eventually put some things of passion into your life. Work on something to give you a hobby even only 20 minutes a day. Every day. Then in time, as you feel better, you may join a group who is enjoying that hobby ... You never know where you will meet people and start to rebuild your life. I do know what I am talking about.
    I was bedridden, and eventually walked with a cane and back brace...I lose everything, job, friends, co workers; taking one step at a time, I won my pension, I won my disability, I healed very slowly but never completely. When I could attend things, I went to church. I ended up meeting a man and remarried, moved to the country. It all has it's ups and downs, but, take life one step at a time and knwo that there is HOPE. Best wishes!
  7. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    EXCELLENT responses, advice and words of wisdom you have received here.

    Because you may not have the big career you thought you'd have doesn't mean you can't do something fulfilling. You say might have a husband, but no a loving one? Why not? I have a fantastic husband who has stuck by me through thick and thin. He certainly didn't bargain for a wife who's too tired to do anything, who is has to watch in tears many days/night because I hurt terribly, but I think I offer him a lot in return.

    I have raised two AMAZING boys. I had Fibro before they were born but wasn't diagnosed. I absolutely wholeheartedly believe that made a difference to me, as strange as that sounds. I really just thought my aches/pains/IBS/no energy etc. was just the way I was so I dealt with it the best I could. In the past 7 years or so I have gotten worse, but for many years it was manageable.

    MANY people/women deal with loss and change and the what if's in their lives even without living with an illness. Women who never worked, married their whole lives are left alone suddenly without a clue of how to manage.

    Is life different? Of course. Life is every-changing. If it weren't, if wouldn't be much of a life. If you decide that life is going to suck, it most likely will, because that's what you're anticipating. You will learn to accept those days when you don't feel well, to just realize that you are not going to be able to do much. That's the way it is. I cried in the beginning but a lot of it was over guilt.

    Has your illness kept you from loving? Has it changed your heart or your soul? Are you really less lovable because your body hurts? Can you still laugh, sing, joke, share feelings, offer advice or comfort to a friend?

    Make the most of what you've got. Life is so short. Any years we have on this earth are a gift. Be thankful that you have your arms, leg, sight and watch some of those stories about true heroes who overcome adversity. Those always set me straight when I'm feeling down.

    With all of this said, what you're feeling is normal. I am NOT discounting your feelings at all. I just want to offer a different view from another person who's been there, like the rest of the gang here. We're all normal people who we've come to learn are a very strong and special group. When people look at you, have them notice your strength. I bet they do and you don't realize it. Most importantly, notice your own strength. Every little accomplishment, even a day of positive thoughts should be celebrated!! You are worthy.

    I don't know your story, age, situation, but don't look at the future with dread and worry. Take each day at a time. Even the best laid plans are interrupted because life can't be planned. No one knows what their future holds.

    Hugs to you!!
  8. seireiofhope

    seireiofhope New Member

    Thank you guys for your replies. They mean so much to me! I realize now that I didn't tell you anything about my life in my post. I am 20 years old, I was diagnosed in January of this year but have been having major symptoms for the past 2 3/4 years, I am barely able to work my part-time job, I live with my boyfriend and his parents and have had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life so far. But, this is the biggest change so far. I am usually a very optimistic person about life and my situation in it, it just hit me really hard a few days ago and is still hanging on a little. I have been told many a time by many a person that I am the strongest person they know, which isn't something that I feel like all the time. But hey, we all have our moments right?

    I think my biggest problem is that I try to do too much, because i am trying to keep up with all of my friends who are able to do a billion things and not have to worry. I finally realized what it felt like to use all of my spoons...it wasn't a pretty picture.

    The people who have FMS are the strongest, most amazing people I have ever met, and I knew a few, ha ha. They inspire me in ways that I never thought I could be. Which has made the biggest difference in my life so far. I wish I could hug each and every one of you!

    I have been blessed with a boyfriend who is understanding of my issues and loves me deeply in spite of and including them. But at the same time, i feel like I am holding him back from having a normal relationship with a girl that he can be spontantious with and not have to worry about her being in pain the next day.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/11/2010]
  9. Beadlady

    Beadlady Member

    I'm glad you have an understanding boyfriend. If possible include him with your dr. appts so he can learn with you about your new life. I've been married for 32 years to the same guy and for the most part he is understanding of how fibro has changed me. I know he gets frustrated at times though--and I try very hard not to complain about all my aches & pains. One of the most difficult things I struggle with is not having the energy for our personal relationship.

    Take care of yourself and learn to pace yourself.