What's a Mother to do?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by hdbubblehead, Feb 16, 2006.

  1. hdbubblehead

    hdbubblehead New Member

    about living with a disrespectful adult child?
    (a friend of mine is suffering with fibro/cfs/and chronic pain. She is clinically disabled and has just enough money to take care of her own living expenses.)
    She requires help at home physically and financially.
    she does not get sympathy or supportive attitudes about her diseases nor does she get treated properly. The daughter behaves like a teenager but she is 30 yrs old and divoriced, and living with her Mother.
    Her daughter goes out at night, staying gone 1-4 nights per week. She won't get a job unless it pays $2500.mo.
    So she lives off her Mother's income and friends pay her way too, therefore not having to pay for anything on her own. Everyone enables her to continue this pattern because they like her. she is really a nice person and doesn't get into any trouble. I think she is using her Mother's illness and big heart, to get a "free ride".
    She doesn't abide by the "rules" of the house, like telling her Mother she will be back in a few hours, but doesn't come home until the next day or two.
    Her Mother needs her help (grocery store, Dr. appts,cleaning house, etc.)
    but they are both rude, abrupt and arguementive when they are together.


    How would you handle these problems if you were the Mother ?
    (these problems are causing my friend to be very angry & stress out, and I don't know what to tell her) She won't tell her daughter to move out, except as a constant threat.
    she is too "soft" in the heart.

    I ask you-How do you motovate a moocher? lol.

    (she needs her daughter to stay with her, but she needs her daughter to support herself and be considerate of her Mother's needs too)
    I will give her your advice...she needs a village to raise this Adult child.
  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Really I am off Dr Phil right now, but he did a while back do a good show about mooching disrespectful kids.

    My brother has two of them who dump their kids there, move in whenever they are leaving current lovers, leave animals with him, some permanently, have him pay bills then the next day they are out spending money on stupid things.

    In Uk where I was raised, as soon as a person started working, half your pay or more was handed over for room and board to parents, no matter how well off parents were, plus chores and respect were the order.

    Love Anne C
  3. backporchrags

    backporchrags New Member

    I was raised by my father who stressed independance and self sufficiency. Thank goodness!
    Now, as I am raising my own two children, I realize how hard that can be. It is so easy just to do things for then, hard to get them to do for themselves.
    I am afraid that until your friend is ready to stand firm with her daughter the situation will stay the same.
    Is there someone else in the family or a friend who would be willing to be a moderator for the two of them?
    Someone who could help mom and daughter come to an agreement?
    Get mom to list the weekly chores she needs done by the daughter, the time she needs them done and how they should be done.
    Get daughter to come up with a monetary ammount she needs to get for doing the chores.
    Get mom to compile a total of the household bills, rent, grocerys etc.
    Subtract the daughters hourly wage by the household expenses and see what is left over.
    Does she still need to pay mom? Probally.
    Having a moderator help the two of them come to an agreement I believe is nessesary to keep the meeting from turning into a shout fest.
    None of this will work unless mom is willing to stand tough and not give in to the daughter.
    My prayers will be with your dear friend.
    A
  4. hdbubblehead

    hdbubblehead New Member

    one of the problems is that her Mother does give her $$ for the chores and time needed, but that just enables the daughter to "get by". Other people do the same, trying to help by paying for car washes, running errands, but the problem is that her Mother pays all the bills. elec. phone, etc.
    The daughter gets a cell phone then lets it go to collection, then someone helps pay, it's on again and it starts all over.
    the bottom line is, the daughter needs to get a "real job" and the Mother doesn't know how to get her to do that.
    (the daughter always has an excuse- like-
    it's too far to drive, or the pay isn't enough.
    (she has talked to me about Dr. Phil's advice) she did move her out 4 months ago, but that lasted about 2 weeks, with alot of "heat" from family members, making her guilty because the daughter got the flu, crying & begging to come home & work it out.
    My friend said no through all that with tough love, but just when the daughter got a job, Mom said ok.
    Now it has started all over again. the daughter quit the job before even a weeks pay.
    its a terrible situation for both of them, and I don't know what I would do either, so I thought posting this will help get some fresh ideas.
    Thanks!
    [This Message was Edited on 02/16/2006]
  5. hdbubblehead

    hdbubblehead New Member

    please add your two cents... desperate and depressed.
    it is written, it takes a village to raise a child
    Help :)
  6. sarahann61

    sarahann61 New Member

    I had 5 children, and they are all out on their own. I really don't think it is bad to help a grown child out. They could get a good nest egg, if they worked ,and saved their money.. My sons have lived in an average apartment in the DFW area, paying nearly a $ 1,000 ... That could go a long way ,if it was put in savings.

    Maybe it is because, they are men, and a pride thing. But, they act like it would be sinking low, to move back in with Mom & Dad..... I really would not like any of my kids to move in with me, and just use me... I am not well, and their Dad is 66 yrs. old ,and still having to work, for insurance............

    I think the woman should have a heart, to heart talk with her... She should be expected to help feed, clothe, and house them.. The Mother is not doing the DD a favor.. What will happen to her when she is gone? There will not be anyone else that is vulnerable, and loving. She would be living on the streets, and eating out of garbage cans. If she was not willing to work...
  7. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I would give this 30-year old kid some "tough love."

    I would give her 30 days to find a job, and if no job by that date, then she had an additional 10 days to move out. If she refused to move, I would report her to Social Services for elder abuse. Then, I would call the local county attorney's office and see what I had to do to get her legally evicted.

    With the money the mother saves from not giving it to the daughter, she could hire a little bit of work done to help her. Her mother will get by. None of the rest of us keep our houses spotless and we're all in chronic pain, too. She could investigate getting home health care if she has other warranting conditions, etc.

    If the girl did get a job, she would only live in my home if she paid me 50% of her check--or whatever it comes to for 50% of the groceries, utility bills, repairs, and whatever else she is mooching off the mother.

    If the mother really doesn't want this to continue on, she will put a stop to it and flat out not tolerate it. If she continues on as is--she is an enabler, and must like it. She has to get some guts and lay the law down if she wants it to stop.

    The girls isn't helping the mom much anyway if she stays out 1-4 days/nights at a time! So, if the girl moved out, it wouldn't be much different. There may a teenage girl in the neighborhood that would help her out for a small fee.

    I know one thing ---- you can NOT MAKE an adult child, or anyone else, be A CONSIDERATE PERSON ---this is in your personality makeup and either you are that type, or you're not! I think the mother lost this battle many, many years ago!

    After the child and gotten a job, or moved out, maybe she will understand why the mother had to be cold-hearted and do the "tough love" approach on her. After all, who is going to take care of the girl when her mother is not around???

    and .... she is not going to get a $2500/mo. job laying out all night in the bars or with some guy .... it takes work looking for a good job .... and when someone looks at her resume and see that she hasn't worked forever and she is 30, would they really want to take a chance and hire her???