When do adult children become adults?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Aug 4, 2005.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I am excited my 27 year old daughter is getting married in a few weeks. The problem is she thinks that as her parents we have /need /should hlpe her pay for her wedding because she does not have enough money. Mind you that she hsa worked for the state that we live in for about 6 years now and at this point she is working at the local DMV and makes good money, her sweetheart works in construction and has a almost 8 year old son from another relationship.

    When she told us that she was getting married it was not offical, you know " WE are talking about getting married or when we get married , we are getting married but don't know when, and with that remark she informed us that is was the lsat part of August and she thought / expected that we would help her out like we did with her youngest sister { who was living at home when she got engaged and was 19 and was working for $5.75 per hour she paid for her own wedding dress, slip and veil}

    We really did nothelp out as much as the oldest daughter seems to think we did. WE did not spend more than $100.00 and then we did the decorating and arrainged for friends to make a vidieo of the wedding { he volenterred to do it for Free as he is doing for the oldest too} WE helped out as much as we could at the time.

    Now this is the oldest daughter who has not lived at home since she was 17 and went to live with my MOm . We have done everything like she lived her at home for christmas she got just as much stuff as her sisters and sometimes more, take last year our youngest was now married and expecting our 1st grandchild, they got a crib for their christmas presant, I did give her a shirt and her hubby one . the other two daughters got more things but not as much as they thought they should have.

    So now my oldest is mad at the youngset because she does not watn her to use the veil from her wedding , I am getting tired of this daughter telling me how mean , and rude and thoughtless her youger sister is. BEcause she does not jump when her sister wants her to. like going to bridal showers and things , as the youngest has in laws, a FIL who is leaving for Iraq and is home on leave, sho she is doing things with them so he can spend some time with his grandson as the baby is 4 months old now and after he comes home frome this assigement in 18 months this baby will no longer be a baby.

    I find it hard to understand whykids think that parents have to help them out , when they { the kids have good jobs & make good money} . I din't ask my mom to pay for my wedding 25 years ago, nor did I ask her if we could live with her so that we could save our money to be able to buy a house.

    WE rented a apartment, and as our family grew we got bigger apartments till we found a houset hat we could afford. And my daughter asked me if we would fix up our down stairs and make it into an apartment and let them live there for $100.00 a month in rent. My husband said NO! WE have been looking in to fixing up this house as it was a basemaent hose and then it was built up. So I have to living rooms and kitchens and all that goes with that style of home but the lower part of the house is over 50 years old and it would take close to $10,000 to fix it up as a apartment and bring it to code. WE don't have that money.

    Like I said I don't know if this is just my daughter because I hvae seen children of friends who expect the same things from the parents what is going on with it. I did not raise her to expect her dad and I to support her and her husband. To me if your old enough to be getting married then your old enough to support your self and not have mommy and daddy do it for you. Am I wrong?

    I have watched my youngest grow up from a young woman to a wife and mother who does not ask for money from us and her husband supports them quite well, she does not have to work out side of the home , so she is and she has a 4 month old son, but they live about 1 hours drive from us and her sister expects her younger sister to drop everything and do thingss with her, but when my oldest sees her sister she does not really talk to her she just grabs the baby and wants to take him off to show him off. And it has made my youngest daugter a bit irratated with her.

    I want them to get along ad learn that sister can be friends and do things together but when you get married you have another family that now is there and wants some of your time too. MY inlaws lived the hours drive away and we went there once a month to see the grandparents more if we had time and my husbands work permited.

    May be it is just me and the stress of this wedding . I am tired and flaring and have been for weeks and this daughter believes that all people with fibro feel the same and can function the same , don't need pain meds. I want a hapy family with daughters that like each other and their husands but I can't make them do that . I hvae had t let go of teh dreams I had for my g irls thinking that they would want to spend lots of time with me and there dad and the babies as they came. But these were my dreams adn what I wanted to do not what they want to do .

    I Listen to each of the girls talk to me and tell me how they feel, I am not the person I was 5 years ago and I will never be her again.But I do think that since they are not liveing in my house and I am supporting them that I have to do everything they think I sould, or feel the way they think I should.

    It has been hard to let go of my daughters and let them lives the lives that they want not the one I want them to live. I miss them being home and needing me for emotioal support but they are adults and all but one has someone else to be with.

    I am looking forward to the wedding and I know that my daughter has found a great guy and I really love her and him but I didn't expect that Their dad and I would be supporting them. WE are not going to do that but I still was asked to ask dad about this.

    I have learned that weddings are stressfull events, and when it happens things will go wrong some where but it woun't be a big deal you know the cake breaks but can be fixed nothing horriable. But marriage is different than what you think it will be . . YOu both learn how to deal with each others little annoying things that go with life.
    But your not the same person thatyou were before you got married. I love my girls adn I want this wedding to be a wonderful day and the best day for her, but she is the one who will make the day be s pecial or not. I went into my marriage with a 2 year old daughter and she now had a daddy that loved her. OUr wedding day had its things that were not perfect. MY BIL was to take our wedding pitcures and he was was late for the wedding and took all the pitcures in slides. But it was the happiest day for me , I had them man I loved , a daughter we both loved andit was so speical that day adn the memories that i have are still special to me we have been maeeird for 25 year this year.

    I just want this daughter to have a wonderful wedding and to have this day be what she thinks it will be.I want her to go in to this day happy and content with hre and her husband, it dwill not matter down the road that her sister didn't come to the bridal showers, it will mean more that shewas at the wedding and was there to see her marrried, her grandmother will be there , aunts uncles and family . But she is the one wwho will have to have in her heart that this will be a good day no matter if it rains .{IT is a outdoor wedding } IF she is happy and excited about her wedding then nothing will matter but that moment in time amd that she had her family there to share it with her.

    I want you all to know that I have the 3 most beautiful daughters yes they have faults but they are all unique and good at so many things, They have parents that love them so much and always have done. I am looking forward to this wedding and having another grandson to love. It is going to be different than my youngest daughters wedding but it will be so pretty and special to this daughter if she will just let the day happen and not worry over small things that don't really matter.

    I am tired and hurting to night and stressed because of wedding plans daugters that can't make their minds up on what they want to do with thier lives and I am tired of being told that I need to get a job and work again. I know that most of the p ain is from the stress of this wedding and from other issues that have happend.I will feel better when it is done and over with.

    It has not been one of the best days I hvae had . My mom called me today she lives a block a way from me and is 78 and she works for easter seals at a school library. she has had alot of health problems in the past few years and has been on steriods and blood thinners, she tripped at work to day and fell she is ok but she slide on her had and the skin just ripped right off her . She said that it looked like someone has peeled the skin from her hand and not she has 12 stiches in it anda brace on it because her skin is so fragile that the doctor is afraid that the stiches will get pulled out .She drove her selfto the hospital din't bother to call anyone to tell them about it at work she just left. And she wonders why i am worried about her . I could have just cried when I saw her hand today with her skin being paper thin and she says that she just aches a bit. I am worried that this fall will form another clot in her leg as when she fell she landed on her leg quite hard and she brusies so easiely. I worry that it will sent a blood clot and cause more problems for her. I know that she is on cuomidin so it should not do that . but there is that risk that she will bleed somewhere else. Last time I talked to her she was fine but achey and planing on going to work in the morning.

    I thought i had enough things that were worring me adn then her falling . I try not to worry about her but i do and with this happening i am worse tonight and not sleeping for fear that some thing wil happen to her like it did 3 years ago when she suddenly had many blood clots in her lungs adn spent 15 days in the hospital , was lift fighted to another one, and she has a filter in place to prevent clots from going into her lungs and heart. that does help me a bit but I am stil worried about her.

    So now that I have vented , gripped and whined about everything me and my achey body are going to go to bed and hope that i will be albe to sleep. I am sorry that I sound so cranky with my daughter I love her so much and want her to be happy in this marriage and not to worry about sisters taht do things with the In laws just as she will be doing. I am sorry if I sounded harh with her I really don't mean to . I just do wonder when children grow up and become adults. they are to old to tell what to do and to old for me to tell them what to do so why do they keep telling me how to live my life. I am sorry I sould not have siad that. I am jsut a mom who wants her girls to find happiness

    Sorry I am wineing and venting griping and all that stuff. I don't mean to be such a pain in the rear end.
  2. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    Hi Rosemarie,
    I don't have children, but boy do I have a sister! She is 48 years old (I'm the baby at 43 and we have a brother who will be 45 next week). My sister still brings up how my Mom has done her wrong...she is now a mother of two wonderful teenagers but cannot get past these petty little slights she remembers.

    For example, my sister got only one pair of new jeans when she was in college, but I got "whole new wardrobes each year." Like my parents are so cruel as to make my sister wear holey jeans in college - and by the way they paid in full for all three of us to go to college and my dear sister was the only one of us to have to go five years because she couldn't decide what to major it.

    And then when she graduated with an Engineering degree and got a high paying job she still wanted to live at home. They made her move - to start living as an adult and she still feels very bitter about it. And of course it did not help that I got to move back home after college - she doesn't think about the fact that I graduated in May 1984 and had no hopes for a job and if they didn't let me live there I would be on the streets. The minute I got a job the next March - I moved out.

    (the rambling about my sister is supposed to show you that you that you are not alone)

    My point is as soon as your children are self-sufficient they are adults! Shame on your eldest for having these expectations of you at her age. I don't mean to make you mad but it is so wrong. I really have always thought that my parents took care of me the first 21 years of my life and now I take care of myself. Additionally, every time I get a bonus or extra money or a holiday, I always make sure to send them a little something extra because I can - not that anyone expects it. They are retired in Flordia living on a fixed income so a gift card for a steak dinner, book gift cards, - I even sent them pizza last month - chicago pizza! just a little something extra to brighten their day.

    I would never even think to ask for monetary help for a wedding or anything else at this point in thier lives (or at my age and I know I am older but I felt the same at 27 that I do now). As hard as it is for you to see them unhappy with each other, I think you need to stay out of it and neutral. Even witnessing it has made you tired and flare up and that is very sad. They need to figure out how to have a relationship as adult siblings and they need to do on their own. I know it is hard but you have to put your health and happiness first now that the girls are adults and let them find their way. Do what you physically and emotionally can to help your eldest for her wedding, but don't feel that you have to give them monetary support.

    Good luck...and I send you prayers for strength!
    [This Message was Edited on 08/05/2005]
  3. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    to pay for their own weddings - weddings are now such big, expensive affairs and most couples both work so can afford to pay for it.

    My daughter was married in 2002 and although we gave a very substantial donation towards costs, she and her husband arranged and paid for it by themselves. We could not have possibly paid for the whole thing. If I still had my well paid job then it would have been different.

    It's a shame your daughter's marriage has to be marred by all this quarreling.

    I hope things get worked out for you and her.

  4. mhammie

    mhammie New Member

    Fogged up, hit the nail on the head. As far as bride & grooms family paying for certain things, are not set in stone.

    Been married 26 yrs. since the age of 18. Still in high school. I wasn't pregnant, just wanted to get married to the person I loved.

    I knew my parents were not able to help us with the wedding expenses. I was a penny pincher working a minimum wage (less than $3.00 an hr.) job back in the late 70's. My husband & I paid for our wedding, including the entire cost of everyones tuxedos and dresses that were in the wedding party. He wasn't a penny pincher, which I found out after the wedding. My parents may have taken care of about 100.00 on the flowers, and that was it.

    My sisters both lived out on their own when they were ready to get married and paid for their own weddings as well.

    Every girl dreams about having a perfect & special wedding day. Things sometimes will go wrong. What's really important is how the couple communicate with & treat each other after the wedding. The wedding day is the beginning of many special days of a lifetime together.

    As long as the bride & groom have the support and love of their parents, family, & friends they should be happy to share that day and not have unreasonable expections from you & your husband helping them. After all if they knew they were getting married maybe they need to scale things back a bit or save a little longer.

    Rosemarie, is it possible that you, & your husband could have a calm reasonable talk with the bride & groom. If your daughter is adult enough to get married, then hopefully she should be mature enough to have a reasonable conversation and see that your health has changed, not something you asked for. I hope your husband is supportive of you not working and understands your health issues. If he is maybe he can really express that in marriage things are constantly changing, something they will find out for themselves. Your lives have changed in which you aren't just able to fork over thousands of dollars for her wedding and don't have the money to fix the basement for them to live in. The $100.00 rent they want to pay probably won't even touch the increase in property tax even if you were able to fix it up and bring it up to code.

    I will never be in your shoes because I have 2 boys. So maybe my opinion is way off track. I know with mine it's very hard to get thru to them that they can't always have everything they want, and they do need to save so they can be successful in making a life for themselves.

    Rosemarie, I hope everything works out, without adding more stress to you. It's just too bad your daughter didn't have this discussion about wedding expenses before they set the date and put everything in motion. I know sometimes our children can lay guilt trips on us, please don't let this get you down.

    Hopefully your daughter & son in law will truly appreciate the fact they have a loving supportive family. When it comes right down to it, having everyone at the wedding that they care about, is what will make it special and a day they will truly cherish.

    Take care of yourself.

    [This Message was Edited on 08/05/2005]
  5. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    and close the subject. Don't keep allowing her to appeal. YOU decide what you will do, tell her and tell her that is your final answer.

    Tell her what you are willing to do to help her with the wedding, tell her that she is a grown woman and that she and her fiance are well able to support themselves,etc.

    Tell her you cannot afford to pay for a lavish wedding and that it will be up to her to decide what sort of ceremony she wants to have and to finance it. You could offer a set amount of money towards the thing if you want and she will have to pay for whatever that does not cover.

    You can offer, if you feel like you can do it, to help decorate, etc. A friend of mine just got married again and they had a nice wedding in their church (usually free if you are a member and you just slip the minister something for officiating). They bought the decorations and put them up, a friend did the video for free, another friend sang, then the reception was in the VFW hall (or something like that - another friend had theirs in the Moose Lodge) where they also decorated themselves.

    She had a friend that is a caterer and did the catering for free as her wedding gift.

    If you feel like you would want them in the basement, tell her they are welcome to rent from you for X amount of dollars per month (whatever you deem reasonable considering all the things that are included like utilities and if they will be eating your food or have their own, etc) if they care to undertake the rennovations and payment thereof because you cannot afford to fix it up.

    I hope that helps. Remember, no one learns to be responsible until they get some responsibility.

  6. elsa

    elsa New Member

    I am sorry you are so stressed out with all this. I have two perspectives for you..... First one is from a 29 year old's wedding thoughts, and the second one from a Mother of three grown daughters.

    I was 29 when I got engaged/married. My husband- to- be was all grown up and older then me. We did not expect a wedding production from my Mother. ( My sister had a hugh wedding 7 years earlier....even she didn't expect our Mom to cover the expenses.) In both cases, our Mother contributed greatly, but because she wanted to. My sister and her husband paid for their reception....saved every penny for a year to have it.

    My husband and I had a very small, family only August wedding and a 400 invitation, black tie "celebration" the following November. It was extravagent, costly and well worth the money. We SAVED LIKE CRAZY....peanut butter, mac and cheese, only drove the car that was paid for (to keep gas and mileage exspenses down), etc.. in order to afford this party. We wanted it....it was our responsibility to pay for it.

    The tradition of the bride's family paying for everything made since along time ago. Women went from their family, to the care of their husband. It was a changing of the guard.....almost a last send off into womanhood for the daughter.

    Not the case these days. We grow up alot sooner. We have more intimate relationships, we're not near as naive as the blushing teenage bride of earlier times. We don't go trustingly from Daddy's arms straight to our husband's arms anymore. We go to school, or we go to work, or we do both. We demanded and got the ability to take care of ourselves. We can't have it both ways. You daughter needs to get a grip on herself. She's 27 years old. What has she been doing all this time?

    Has she lived at home? Stayed "untouched" filling her hope chest waiting for "MR. Right" to come along and claim her? Of course not. She's been living her life as she has seen fit since she was 17 years old. I'm laughing picturing her facial expression had you told her she "could not see this man, or she couldn't go on a weekend trip with this other man. That she had to be in by 10:00 pm to protect her virtue.....".It didn't happen. She made her own, grown up choices. She can pay for her own wedding.

    Too many of my generation feel the are "owed" certain things from their parents. It is a gift or a blessing...not an expectation....to receive.

    My mother has struggled for years with the "equity and fairness" spread amongst her daughters. It's a "mom" thing I think. Anyway, please don't kill yourself over this. You do the best you can, give what you want to and justify your actions to yourself (and maybe your husband). Daughters are not owed an explanation or accounting from the parents....especially on the subject of monetary gifts/support.

    My Mother has finally said " I love all three of ya'll, but I'm not going to get in the middle of this. You girls are grown women with families of your own....settle things between yourselves." Until a mom says that we kids are ALWAYS going to go to mom to fix it. After all, it worked great when we were the ages 8, 10 and 12!!! LOL! Until my poor Mom put the breaks on being put in the middle of sibling squabbles, I didn't realize what a strain we were putting her through. WOW.... UHHHH, our ages are now too high to voluntarily put into print here!! LOL.

    This is sooo long. I am sorry about that, but I wanted to get my thoughts out. You are obviously a loving and caring Mother. It is also obvious to me that you have put your children's wishes, needs, dreams and lives ahead of yours. They are lucky to have you. Now you need to make some bounderies for yourself. Tell your daughter you love her. Then stop letting her take...take....take. The idea of fixing a part of your house and then rent it to her and her new husband for 100.00 is not to be believed!!

    I hope I haven't stepped out of line with this. You might not believe it from my post, but I am a pretty conservative person. Still, I do live in the 21st century.
    I wanted to share with you another late twenty-something's wedding experience and some "latent wisdom" ,( as my Mom calls it), concerning mothers and their grown children.

    I hope this helps some. I hate that you are so distressed. Our illness cannot tolerate this amount of stress.....it just takes us out. I'm thinking of you Rosemarie,.....let us know how you're doing.


    P.S. My wonderful husband and I have been married 13 years this month. I didn't want to represent myself as a "current twenty-something"!!! LOL LOL

  7. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    Seems like never around here! My husband's son is thirty and basically has been doing nothing with his life. He has had a wonderful opportunity to go to school, etc...and to make a long story short, we had to supply the money to get him out of here and down there...a sizeable chunk.

    My youngest son at 30, who had spent a decade in drugs, sex, and rock and roll, finally went into the Navy in early 2003. In order to do so, he needed his car paid off so I got a loan against savings with the understanding that he/his now ex-wife would pay the loan. It is still not paid off. Not only did she( the ex) not make all the payments, but she did not make other payments on cards that we did while he was deployed in the Gulf of Arabia...there is more, but not going to bore you.

    I'm going to write mine...pay up, Buster...if you think that's harsh, there's a whole lot you don't know about our situation. Husband's son will begin once he is able...soon, as my husband has set some rules.

    So, they never grow up. They expect parents to be the bankrole...and sometimes, it's OK. But, set your limits or become angry like me...and feeling guilty for asking him to make good on what he promised to do. Go figure!

    Too long...sorry...guess we all have our rants today.

    Take care!
  8. BethM

    BethM New Member

    Oh, do I sympathize. Our sons are 22 and 23, and struggling. Younger son just left home again, and I am so very grateful. I don't like his lifestyle or his friends or his attitude, or his girlfriend. She is as much of a taker as he is.

    We agreed to help him with first month's rent and deposit, and after that he is on his own. If he wants to go back to school we will help with that, but not with anything else. We will cover his car insurance until he is 25, but only as long as he doesn't get a DUI or something else drastic.

    The Bank of Parents is out of funds.

    It's taken me awhile, but I am determined to follow through with this. If he decides not to work and has to 'couch surf', it's his problem. He is able to work, just chooses not to do so. We'll see how he fares.

    I can't allow his issues with not growing up to affect my fragile health and well being. Not going to happen any more!

    The older one is living at home again, but is in school, just needs to get a job. He has intelligent, reasonable friends who don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, so he is welcome to stay here for awhile. Now if he'd only clean up after himself better... *g*

    There was an article in the LA Times recently about 'Boomerang kids', who leave home then come back in their 20's. We have a solution for that.... we are selling the house, moving north, and plan to rent or buy a small place. no room for kids to move back in. They need to be pushed to be on their own. They won't grow up otherwise, and I don't plan to support them forever.

    It's hard to be strong, especially when you don't feel well and healthy and strong. I guess I reached a point where I was angry enough, had had enough, and learned the art and skill of TOUGH LOVE. Not easy, but had to be so.

    They'll grow up eventually, we can live and hope.

    Be strong, those with adult kids!

  9. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    Our two oldest children were grown up early...education, marriage, children, homes, etc. The youngest are just hanging. Sometimes I'd like to hang them by their toes! (-:

    Waiting, but not holding my breath!
  10. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    and i have not asked anyone to pay for anything but my in laws are doing the cake as their gift as we have been together for about 7/8 years and live together so our home is all set up.

    my mum went over board and booked a horse and carriage (bless her) then my dad said he wanted to pay for flowers then they asked what i was doing for wedding jewellery and i showed them this lovely necklace i had picked out but in silver as i dont like pearls and cant afford gold,my b/day was july 9 and my prezzie from my parents and all my brothers and sisters (7 of them) was a white gold necklate and earring w/ the biggest diamonds i have or will ever own :)

    so i have been spoilt rotten but it was all extras that i would have done w/out or done different and i would never have asked for anything and i have bought lovely thankyou gifts for them
  11. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    My son is getting married on 4/2/06, and it will be a traditional wedding. I copied what fogged up put was our responsibility and what was the bride's family and I can't believe it! I don't know how in the world we are going to pay for the rehearsal dinner! Going out to dinner with all those people who will be at the rehearsal?

    Then we have to pay for the rest of the stuff and the honeymoon to. I realize that is that we are supposed to pay for it, don't really HAVE to, but I think the bride's mother wants an all out formal wedding.

    This is stressing me out really badly, because we don't have the money for all of this and my son doesn't either. The bride said it was going to be a small wedding. Yeah, it may be small to them, but I don't call 90 people a small wedding.

    It's my first son that is getting married, so I have no idea of what to expect. Last two times I got married, the one time we eloped, the other time it was just my parents and hubby's uncle there. We got married by the Justice of the Peace at the Court House.

    Oh well, I'll be really glad when this is all over. The rehearsal is on Saturday at 2 PM (4/1/06) and wedding on 4/2, at 4 PM. How in the world am I going to deal with this two days in a row with FMS? I could barely deal with the one day, plus we'll be having my MIL staying here too.

    Stress.... stress... stress....

  12. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    I would not worry about it too much and just do whatever you want to. Let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes kids hold over resentments into adulthood and there is not a thing we can do about it. It really seems best to just do your own thing: all the way around with everyone. YOU are the mother!
  13. nanswajo

    nanswajo New Member


    I sympathize. Competition between sisters for parent's $$, time and attention can be brutal! I think you can say "This is what we can do for you now based on our situation" and then give her something in writing done up like it is a gift. Then let her figure out what to do for her wedding and where to get the rest of the $$ to do it. Money isn't love.

    RE: those old rules for weddings that heve been brought up: they are there for guidance, but in my experience almost noone follows them. I am a floral designer and meet with brides and grooms all the time. More and more young people are paying for the weddings themselves, in fact, I'd say that it is the majority paying themselves, with fewer parents paying. Perhaps this is because so many are getting married at an older age now.

    I am the oldest of 3 sisters. My younger sisters had big weddings paid for by my parents. One was even a second marriage. I did not marry until I was much, much older and I received a very small check from my elderly father. My husband and I were married in the woods next to our house by a wonderful Justice of the Peace. Noone else was present. We sent out announcements later.

    Sisters will do these things to each other. I wish it wasn't so.

    Here's hoping for an easier time of it for you.

  14. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    Fogged up,
    Thanks for the info. I'm sure it will work out fine. The day I wrote that post I was having a bad day.

    I just don't get to talk to my son's fiancee that often to discuss the wedding plans.

    I had no idea that the preacher and his wife were to be invited to the rehearsal dinner too.

    In this case the bride's parents will be paying for the their traditional expenses and we'll be paying for the groom's.

    I really need to talk to the bride soon about everything, but it's not like it is next month. Won't be until April 2006.

    The sun is shining and it's a nice looking day, but we are getting thunder, so I shut my computer down and got on hubby's old Windows. lol It's a P3/800 with Win98 SE on it. lol A lot slower than mine is.

  15. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Rosemarie, my advice to you, let your daughters fight their own battle between them, and you stay out of it! Refuse to get involved with their dispute over the veil, showers. Thats their problem, not yours.

    As for paying for the wedding, and having them live with you, well tradition on the weddings these days are not what they used to be, as someone else explained. So do what you feel your can confortably do, and be firm about it, in other words ' no back talk' from her.

    As for them living with you, if your husband said 'no' then no it is, and its not up for debate either.

    I do find that kids today refuse to grow up unless 'forced' to do so. So if force is what it takes, then start forcing them. Its really your call.

    I have three children, two boys and one girl. I payed for all three weddings (yes, the boys too), BUT told them all, if you re-marry, just send me an invitation!

    My daugher was divorced twice, and widowed once. She did exactly what I said. The first wedding was huge, sent out 350 invitations, and had over 450 guests, they were coming out of the woodworks! We paid for everything, and I did the catering myself. Also did the catering for one of my son's weddings too (their request). Never again.

    All had 'two' receptions, we are Baptist, so no liquor was served at the church receptions, so they paid for the 'second' receptions themselves.

    My daughter likes all the 'pomp and circumstance', and had three large weddings. The two following the first one, I only paid for my own gowns, and my husbans tux.

    Personally I think when children are pass that young age and get married, they should shoulder the biggest part of the burden. BUt thats just my opinion!

    Try to stay calm, do what you feel you must, and no more, and for Pete's sake, stay out of that sibling dispute!

    Strange as it may seem, I am trying to get my daughter to come home for at least a year to get her finances back in order. BUt she wants to fight it out on her own. She is a very independant little person, but right now does need a little help.

    Shalom, Shirl

  16. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    Try to do exactly the same thing for the older daughter as the younger. Just because she waited longer to find the right person does not mean she should be peanalized. Also tell the girls to work it out and do not get in the middle or take sides. If opne starts to criitsize the othewr then tell her you don't wan to be in the middle and to work it out with her sister. Sounds like there is alot of sibling rivalry here and the fire does not need to be flamed.

    People will treat you the way you allow them to. You can't change anopther adults behavior only how you react to it.

    Just my opinion- Good Luck! Lynn
  17. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    ...But when did "getting married" totally become so much more important than "being married"??

    I continue to be amazed at these reality shows on TV where tens of thousands of dollars are spent on having the "perfect" wedding DAY....isn't it about having a great and lasting marriage??

    My parents had no money to throw us a big shindig...my husband and I have been married almost 23 years now, and it was a tiny ceremony in a Judge's Chambers. Never once have I held a grudge because my wonderful parents couldn't afford a big spread (we'd have paid for a big wedding ourselves had it been important to us) nor have I wasted one second regretting that I didn't have a white gown or a fancy reception.

    Somehow BEING married seemed important to us at the time...and still does!

    Hugs, & hope it all gets sorted out without more stress,

    Pam[This Message was Edited on 08/06/2005]
  18. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I agree with you 100%, its not the 'party' its the two people who intend to spend the rest of their lives together!

    My husband and I did not have a big wedding, I did not want all that fuss. We have been married for 33 years next month.

    Its not always a honeymoon, but we managed to stay together.

    Shalom, Shirl
  19. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

  20. elsa

    elsa New Member

    Where'd you go ?? We're all worried about you. Have all kinds of advice and support for ya, but you disappeared on us!!

    Hope you're o.k.. You are in our thoughts.


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