where can i get support, my partner is depressed

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by bananas1, Aug 7, 2009.

  1. bananas1

    bananas1 New Member

    I have been my boyfriend for the last 2.5 years and living with him for the last 8 months, He has had depression on and off since he was a teenager and so every one who is close to him just thinks that is the way that he is.

    I am beginnng to question how much i can take from him, he has been depressed for the last 6 months and he is getting so selfish. I know that this is a symptom of his depression and so i try not to take it to heart but some times i have such a rage building up in me about it. He recently quit his job because his boss upset him leaving me to have to meet all the bills and the mortgage, so i am working a 7 day week at the moment. And he has started smoking, apart from the fact that he has no money and its me who will be paying for them, he is 31 and decided to start smoking 5 days after i found out that my father is dying of a smoking related illness and when i try telling him how up set i am about it he jsut says that he is testing himself to see if he will become addicted. And can not see why its upsetting me so much.

    He has done many other things that are really very hurtful including not visiting me in hospital when i had my thyriod removed as the doctors thought i had cancer, and i have always forgiven him as everyone has convinced me that its just the depression not who he is. Im wondering if it really is now, or if he has been able to get away with being this way for so long that its just the way that he is and that i should not be with him any longer.

    He is on anti -depressants and while they calm him down they do not seem to do much else.

    I love him from the bottom of my heart i really do but i just dont know if i can support him through this for much longer with out it tearing me apart!!!
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board.

    You know the old song? "We have no Bananas Today"?

    It's really your boyfriend who needs to be on the board. What is he doing
    to get well?

    Meds? Therapy? Support group? Books like "Feeling Good" by Dr. David
    Burns? Vitamin D3 and B12?

    You cannot get well for him. It takes lots of effort to get better, and it's
    difficult because most of us who are depressed don't have much energy.
    Additionally our depressed mind tells us it won't do any good anyway.

    I have been going to Emotions Anonymous, a 12 step group for about 25
    years. I have seen lots of people get better, but only if they work at it.

    Looks like your partner has a serious attitude problem. Smoking to see if I
    get addicted? Depressed or not, that is just stupid!

    I recommend you split now, before there's a child in the picture. I know. Most
    women are so forgiving, they they don't want to hear that. But if he's not going
    to make serious efforts to get better, then you'd better realize that he's going
    to stay the same or get worse.

    Good luck to both of you.


    You might want to take a look at some posts on the Depression Board.

  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Rock was so right. The other problem is that you cannot cure your boyfriend or make him all better no matter how much you do. It is his problem and he has to step in and help himself. Taking anti-depressants is only one step--and it's a good step--but there are many more things for him to be trying to help himself and, in turn, help the relationship between you two. He could be in therapy finding tools to use between sessions and then actively use those tools at home and on the job. And picking up cigarettes, particularly with your father dying of a smoking-related illness almost appears more like a spite and childish-type thing to do.

    Truthfully, in all relationships you enter, you must put yourself first and make yourself happy. When you are no longer happy and getting mad and miserable because of this boyfriend, it is a sign that this relationship isn't working at all. Like spoiled garbage, your relationship won't get better the longer you stay in it. By you working and buying everything and taking care of everything, you are not doing your boyfriend any favors and you are actually enabling your boyfriend to quit his job and not work anymore, to act like a spoiled insensitive brat ignoring your feelings by now smoking, you are paying all the bills, and truthfully--you're taking on the role of a parent and not a girlfriend and that's totally not a healthy relationship to be in for you.

    Rock was so right when he said about getting out before you risk bringing children into this mess. Sometimes you have to walk away because you can't be their parent and instead you leave them on their own to either work hard to pull themselves together by seriously getting help, or they will fail miserably and learn the consequences--which is important. No matter how depressed, they will eventually go out to get their own food and will have to seek funds to live on and to keep a place to live.

    If the place is not in your name, you can move out freely and try not to look back. If the place is in your name, tell him he has to get out and make sure he gets out and you change the locks and then you can continue paying the mortgage and get on with your life.

    Many of us have loved men whom we have had to put out of our lives for our own good. You're joining many of us.