Where Did I Go Wrong?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jasminetee, Aug 13, 2009.

  1. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Sometimes your mind just beats you up. My mind knows it's not right that I'm not able to function in this world and I think it's often searching desperately to figure out what I did wrong.

    It's like a part of me wants to make me wrong because it's got to be my fault that I can't work. It's got to be my fault that I've lost so many relationships. It's got to be my fault that I can't help around the house very much at all. It's got to be my fault that I can't keep up with routine life maintenance. It's got to be my fault that I can't think straight and that I'm slow. It's got to be my fault. I went wrong somewhere and my mind is determined to figure out where that is.

    It plays the past over and over. It looks at every mistake I've ever made a million times and then a million times again. I must have done something wrong.

    I keep telling myself that this isn't my fault. That this is just life circumstances. I've got to be strong and get through this and that quiets my mind for a bit. Then it starts up again. Where did I go wrong? How can I make it right? How can I achieve my dreams? How can I have a normal life?

    I feel guilty but I know I'm not. This is why I feel so much rage and anger at people who make me feel like I'm to blame for being disabled or that I'm exaggerating my symptoms. When they do that I know they're wrong and it hurts me and it makes me so mad.

    I'm going to stay as positive as possible. I'm going to keep doing my best every day. I know that's all that God wants or expects of me. But sometimes my mind just beats me up.
  2. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Tee, believe me I know where you are coming from but it isn't our fault and we did nothing wrong..Can we make it right, No, not until we find a cure or our comfort zone.. but its not our fault.. Our dreams, I had to change mine and as far as a normal life , what is normal..I am not sure but I can't live the life I want to once again its so hard to change and stay postivie but we must to stay sane, at times I feel I have lost that to..sanity..

    I do wish I had some answers but I don't except it is NOT our fault that this darn DD had to find us.. We are very strong people and survivors.. Even though there are days I feel I can't take this anymore and cry a lot I am a more compassionate, understanding and caring person..

    My guilt lies in not being able to do because of my family and what I feel I have cheated them out of..My daughter and gran , that I only see every 2 yrs have been here for over 3 weeks and will be leaving today and I have only been able to go out with her twice.. The last time she was here I was able to do so much more so the reality of I am getting worse has hit ..but trying to be thankful for the few time I did get to do..

    Yes, our minds plays all kind of things with us but we have to stay in control..There are times I can and times I completely lose it..and times I think all this is in my mind it can't be real...

    Sorry, I don't have an answer but sure can relate..

    God Bless,
  3. jaynesez

    jaynesez New Member

    the first thing you must do is STOP WORRYING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS! Remind yourself that others will have a negative opinion no matter if you are healthy or not, because they are NEGATIVE PEOPLE! The second thing you must do is let go of all that anger and rage; it's self destructive & makes you sicker. We all too often let other people dictate our lives, our moods and attitudes. Find yourself a mantra, a small phrase or word, like "peace" or "let it go" and every time you catch yourself worrying, thinking negative thoughts, or feeling guilty, take a deep breath and repeat your chosen word or phrase. I have begun to do this and it took a few times to find the right phrase, but once I did I was able to let it go, and trust me, hurtful gossip is hard to let go, but I did. I realized that other people are miserable or negative, and there is nothing you can do about it, you can't change them, but you can change yourself, and the way you think. My phrase is "peace in my soul" and I repeat it while taking deep breaths. It really works. Re-train your brain, it may not change your illness but it will change the way you feel! Some of us just take a worry and knaw on it, chew it to death, or hold it close, and we need to let go, we have enough problems! The single most important thing you can do for yourself is stop giving a *!#@ what other ppl think. The second most important thing is to forgive yourself, for not being able to do what you can no longer do, because it's not your fault. Trust me, this will take practice but it's well worth it.
  4. As you can see, you are definitely not alone in your 'thoughts'.

    It's bad enough that SOCIETY TELLS US, that we are only as good as the last day we worked. But, to have people close to us, that we thought understood, loved us unconditionally, stood by us, etc later either waver in their stance, or all together turn against us too.

    STILL- we cannot let society's, or OTHER PEOPLE'S HANG-UPS become our own 'tape' we play over & over in our heads.

    SOMETIMES, WE'RE ALL WE'VE GOT- so we CAN'T keep telling ourselves what society as a whole would allow us to lay around & think.

    Dr Phil said once, (and HE IS RIGHT- it's just hard to rewire our thoughts.) "No one can MAKE you feel inferior... without your permission"

    Isn't that an awesome way to phrase that? And true?

    Just very, very hard to get into your head, when you're wracked with sadness, guilt, anger, and "why" thinking.

    Hang in there.

    A lot of times, we end up mad at ourselves- because we're the easiest to be mad at & beat up- we're always THERE!

    And, we know it's not other people's fault- so, it MUST be ours.

    No. It's not. We just run that vicious circle in our minds, because, the frustration lies in the fact that our illness(es) are invisible. They aren't some solid being, or matter..... like even a tree, that we can just go & beat the HELL out of when we're mad.

    It's like a ghost, thus, we become extremely angry, sad, guilt-ridden, angry, sad, guilt-ridden.

    Hope your day gets better.

  5. ktp812

    ktp812 New Member

    I am pretty sure I brought this on myself. My first symptom was cramping and twitching in my calves and feet. I was sure I had a horrible disease and was totally out of control.
    Then my cat disappeared within a week of this and my husband pressured me to get another one. I wasn't ready but went to the humane society and picked out a kitten. I felt so guilty about getting another cat so quickly that I brought him back.
    I was terribly upset about that whole epsiode. Then I had the flu symptoms and 3 weeks later I was hit with the unrelenting fatigue.

    Now 5 years later I am still sick. I honestly believe if I hadn't been so out of control over all these problems I wouldn't be this sick today. I still have the twitching/burning/pain in my calves and the horrible fatigue/exhaustion daily.

    It is true people don't understand why I am still having these debilitating symptoms. Even today my friends wanted to take me out for my birthday and I woke up extremely exhausted and had to cancel...more guilt and frustration.

  6. sascha

    sascha Member

    Eckhart Tolle and EFT

    i recommend these two supports because of how they are helping me

    i've had lots of struggles with what you brought up in your post- so much self-doubt and self-recrimination- kind of takes over the airwaves. and what a dead-end that is when it happens- just adds misery upon misery.

    SOOO through happenstance mostly, Eckhart Tolle CD's appeared in my life- ( i have a couple of his books- and he appeared for a series of live broadcasts streamed over computer on Oprah)- and his wisdom has touched and helped me enormously. i play CDs (which have gotten through to me more than books or tv show) in my car and listen again and again. he gave me improved perspective- a much more helpful one.

    and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techiniques), which i started reading about here on this website, is amazingly practical and helpful. i'm using the techniques, and dissolve/dissipate negative quandaries (emofree.com is the online source- you can download beginner's manual and sign up for newsletters that have lots of information in them). it really has amazed me, and continues to. lots of actual accounts of various ways it can be used comes in the newsletters (free when you sign up).

    WE DON'T HAVE TIME for the sort of thing you're experiencing. AND WE CAN'T AFFORD to heap more problems on ourselves because of it. we have enough to deal with. it's possible you can find a way to persuade your friend to leave the subject alone- that her comments are useless- and maybe she will 'get' it. i have a friend who is sometimes thoughtless about my cfids condition, but she's worth working it through with and she does try to get it because she cares, and i care about her- you will figure out if this is possible--- best to you, Sascha
  7. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Gg, I experience the same guilty feelings. I feel like I'm letting the people in my life down. I also keep getting worse every year and I could do more in the past too. You can't help but compare your past to the present when you're down to counting being able to do things twice and you can remember being able to do more than that the year before. That's often the moment when you realize just how much worse you really are. It's like we just can't keep pace with the real world and it keeps going faster and faster but it's really us who have slowed down. I hope your daughter was understanding.

    Jayne, “Peace in my Soul” is a very nice phrase. I do know just what you mean. I do those kinds of meditations and mind exercises all the time. For me, this is a process. I'm not able to just completely accept everything that's happening to me. Sometimes I can and sometimes I kinda can and sometimes I still get upset. I don't think that I'll ever completely accept all of this plus the way I'm being treated. In my case I continually get worse so for me acceptance is an ongoing project. What you describe is very helpful though.

    Aintasgood, thanks for your understanding. It's very hard to accept all this, isn't it? I can do it at times but especially when I'm worse and in Hormone Hell my mind plays those tapes over and over. I know logically that I shouldn't feel badly about being disabled but emotionally it's difficult for me to come to terms with.

    Georgia, thank you so much. :) I'm very glad that I can be here for others. I am grateful every day for the Web that links all of us. I love that saying, “What others think of me is none of my business.” I do feel better when I can believe it. I know it's all about not believing my thoughts. I learned that from Byron Katie.

    Kim I'm so sorry you had to cancel your Birthday with your friends. That hurts a lot I know. Let me say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!! :) I hope you have a good one, as good as can be. It's okay that you got another cat, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think you could have prevented this illness from happening. I know there's a lot of literature out there that states that triggers cause CFS and FMS but I don't know. I think there's a good chance they don't. What other illness do they say that about? You know?

    Sascha, Thanks for reminding me about EFT. I forgot about it again and it has helped me before. I was in Chat here the other day and a woman in there told me about this EFT technique: You cradle the back of your head with your right hand and put your left hand over your eyes and forehead and breathe into it. I really like that one. Some people have said they can't handle the tapping you usually do so that one is nice for them.

    [This Message was Edited on 08/14/2009]
  8. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    This is not your fault but it stinks doesn't it?

    You say that you try and think positively and your thoughts keep going back to blaming yourself.

    I went through a period like that, kept thinking it was just a natural reaction over this DD. I would keep ruminating on negative thoughts and it was making me more exhausted.

    I did two things. The first is that I went on an antidepressant, the right one for me, long story, which really helped me and also helped the pain.

    The second thing I did was to see a therapist who was also a nurse and worked with chronically ill people. Without the AD, at least for me, all the rationalizing in the world from myself or others would not stopped the thoughts. I don't think the therapy would have been as effective.

    I am not saying you are depressed, or need meds. I am not a doctor, and maybe none of this applies to you as I am only telling my own experience.

    Am I "happy" after being on ADs, No, it does not work that way. But I am better able to cope, still get down, etc. But it is all relative.

    You take care.


    [This Message was Edited on 08/14/2009]
  9. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    We absolutely didn't choose this. We didn't even know it existed. After I got sick, I found out that there were support groups for several years prior to my getting sick for this and I was ENRAGED. I was and still am very angry that we were not informed that the disease existed. I don't know if we could have avoided getting sick, but we were not informed, so we will never know if maybe we had known it was out there, maybe we could have been more careful somehow and not gotten sick. Who knows, but we should have been informed that the disease existed in the world.

    It's not our fault anymore than people who get cancer are at fault for their cancer. We got it, we didn't choose it, it's here.

    I think it's fate. I think for some reason we're just meant to have it. I don't know why. And it's horrible. I don't think there is anything worse than not being able to have a life. You can't socialize, you can't work, you can't do anything you want to do, and even the most basic things in life are a million times harder to do. And when you do manage to do something normal, you pay in spades for it in pain and suffering.

    All we can hope for is that someday, we get answers. I'd like answers as to why us. I'd like answers as to what it is exactly, what is the infectious agent that did this to us. I want alot of answers.

    I'm not in a blame myself mode. I'm in an angry at the disease mode and incredibly frustrated that this is it. It's not going away and there's no life from it. I'm also in a hate everyone that doesn't understand mode.
  10. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I'm glad you found something to help you. I really am happy a lot of the time. My emotions about all this ebb and flow. I've never experience guilt before but I think marrying has a lot to do with that. I've never been treated the way some people in my life treat me now. Yes, I've been abused in my life by others but my CFS was mild then so it wasn't about my illness. I don't like being treated like a liar and a malingerer and then have the people who do it to me deny that they are. I've never had people lay guilt trips on me like this before. I'm very angry about it.

    I do know that the problem isn't really me. I know it but there are times it's hard to not feel that way anyway.

    I read a lot of books about abuse and control and watch videos that teach us how to have peace of mind and how to draw boundaries etc....I'm just curious, what do you think seeing someone in person would do differently for me?

    [This Message was Edited on 08/15/2009]
  11. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Your last sentence makes me laugh out loud! :) I getchya. I don't like feeling that way and I'm mad that I'm being put in a position to be angry at others.

    It sure helps me to read these replies. I am so grateful I'm not going through this alone. You all are wonderful people. :)

  12. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I do think there are some good books out there. If anyone knows one helping disabled people, I would be interested. I do know there is a site for helping people do things like housework.

    I think the thing for me, going to a therapist is that is was more individualized. She knew what "made me tick" for lack of a better expresssion, so had a good idea of what methods would help me.

    I keep looking for a support group but they are hard to find as it is hard to make it to the meetings.

    Yes, I have the ebb and flow of emotions, almost like PMS but I don't get PMS anymore. Maybe FMS?

    You have a lot of things that have happened and maybe that would be helped by an individual therapist, if you can find one that is good and is covered by your insurance that is. But therapist can differ and what works for one person may not another. Sometimes word of mouth helps. I have several friends who are themselves therapist who recommended this woman to me, so I was lucky. I sometimes go in for tune ups. Unfortunately, she is retiring at the end of the year.

    I was thinking of going to the county clinic, a good option for many, for counseling but most of the counselors were young and I could not relate to them.

    Good luck finding what helps for you. Like our DD what helps one person does not necessarily help another.


    ETA, I got Teejay and Tea mixed up. Fibro Fog at its best!!!
    [This Message was Edited on 08/14/2009]
  13. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    We are easy to mix up.

    Thanks for the information. If I ever do look for a therapist, and I may have to at some point, I will call Patricia Evans. She's an abuse therapist and she writes excellent books about it that have really helped me. She answers her phone herself alot of the time. She talked to me a long time when I called her once. She recommends people call her so she can give you the name of a therapist who specializes in abuse.

    I've read 5 of her books and many other books like that and read about Boundaries and did their workbook and gave it everything I've got. I've searched my soul daily for years over these issues. I'm talking about emotionally and verbally abusive people which I was surprised to find out is the worst kind of abuse.

    I don't want to pay to see somebody and have to spend my time educating them because they haven't done all the work on this that I have. I don't know if that's going to happen anyway though. What do you think?

    I've also heard of a phone counselor who works with chronically ill housebound people.

    So far I haven't had the energy to pursue this. But I may just have to someday.

  14. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    ME for you and ME for me


    I know how everyone is feeling, I think. I sometimes think we rise and fall together on a wave of woe and a tide of tears.

    OK, ok, I'll stop with the cheesy alliterations.

    Personally, I'm spending a lot of time watching Buddhist teachings on YouTube. It helps me. But, while we each use what tools we have to suffer as little as possible, we must accept and live through painful feelings sometimes. Life is hard work. It's easier if you are a good friend to yourself but we can find that a challenge.

    Pema Chodron, a link to whom I posted here, helps me tremendously. She, too, has ME. I love her.

    Laugh whenever you can manage it.

    This too...


    ETA I thought I was on the Worship board which is where I posted Pema, of course. I am cognitively totally messed up!

    [This Message was Edited on 08/15/2009]
  15. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I think your feelings are normal to have pop up occasionally - but what you have to remember is that you or any of us did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong.

    If you were to look at the children who are affected by a disease, you would never ask "what did they do wrong".

    Don't waste time trying to determine where you went wrong - take that time to figure out what you can do to make what you do have, better.

    You're right when you say this IS life circumstances. We're all dealt different ones and it's what we do with them is what counts.
    I know you and others here have had an unfair (VERY UNFAIR) situation with family etc., who have for some reason not believed in you, not believed your illness was real etc. Well, ya know what, that's crap. Period. Do not give them the power to dictate how YOU feel about yourself.

    It takes time to program your mind to keep those negative thoughts out of your head. It is also very normal to have days where we just feel like h%ll and that's the way it's gonna be.

    The first thing is to not think you went wrong somewhere. Please believe that.

    We all make mistakes - oh some doozies too! I swear it's harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others or for God (if you're a believer) to forgive us.

    Like you said, doing your best each day is the most each of us can do. Our best each day may be something small and that's okay.
    I am scared to death of the future (other reasons because Fibro too)but I am trying to take one day at a time.

    The support and love you give others here - that's something good you're doing each day!

  16. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    hi tee. seeing a therapist in person makes me feel less alone somehow. i usually feel so alone with this illness and all my other problems..somehow unloading to someone who sees you helps, albeit for a while.

    i did see a website of a phone counselor who has CFS herself. she charges $50 a session....but i cannot find the website now and i didn't save it...ugh. i will let you know when i track it down...she seemed good.

    i don't have to tell you that i can relate to the guilt and ruminations - you already know that! lol

    love u
  17. tuba

    tuba New Member

    You know that I love ya & that you have many friends and supporters on this site. Everyone needs to hear how much they are loved now & then. Your little tuba friend, Julie
  18. jmq

    jmq New Member

    thank you for making this post. It hit me in so many ways. I feel the pain you described so perfectly...the guilt that you cant rid yourself of. Some days I am angry about it...but most days I am sad. I look in my daughters eyes and I see her disappointment in me when I cant get out of bed to help her...to play....to just talk. I do not even want to express what I see in my hubby's eyes. He is so loving and understanding but he told me one day recently that he hated his life. Not what a wife wants to hear.

    So when I have good days...I go overboard. Today I took my daughter to a mall and spent four hours walking and talking. It was wonderful!...of coarse I am already in a flare from it...but I do not care.

    I love how you ended your post....on a positive note. I will try to stay positive too!

  19. ooouuuch

    ooouuuch New Member

    Dear teejkay
    This is the first time I have posted on here and it is for the very reasons you stated above that I'm here.

    I have done the same thing in reviewing EVERY little thing I could have done to deserve this, I have begged forgiveness for EVERY little sin I may have committed. Sometimes I am so sure it's not my fault, but when your family looks at you like you are such a loser where do you turn?

    I have had this nasty thing for nine years and I think someday I will get a handle on it. But noooooooo. They say that it doesn't get worse and that it stays the same, NOT. I was on Lyrica for a year and that did some good. I made the leap to Savella on July 1st and the transition nearly killed me. Or at least I wish it would have. I have a strong faith in God and don't believe in suicide but I was very close to jumping the line.

    I am on Savella, Effexor, Percocet, Tramadol, and Ambien. My husband thinks I should just go to a detox center and all my problems will be solved by getting off of everything. Sometimes I think he's right but then to what end? I will NOT be cured, there is no cure. He thinks it's all the drugs in my system, but I try to explain that I wasn't on ANY of these things when this whole thing started.

    I have felt your anger and rage that people think you are such a loser because they can't see what is killing you inside. Sometimes it's the pain other times it's the flu X100 sickness. How do you explain to someone that you are sick every day?

    I know that God knows we are doing all we can and that is all He asks, but then why does it feel like we are still worthless?

    I'm sorry to bring in such negativity when you needed uplifting. My heart aches for what you are going through and there is no such comfort in the "misery loves company" quote.

    Please try and hang on I know it's not easy. I have reached the end of my rope, I'm almost beyond the knot and someone put crisco on the end of it.

  20. RunningAntelope

    RunningAntelope New Member

    I am reading the following book and I would highly recommend it. I am a "pragmatic" Christian, not a dogmatic one, and this book, while quoting some scripture, does not evangelize or restrain itself to any particular religion. Really brings the why behind the suffering into perspective: