Why do I allow my family to treat me like 3

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by mykas_mommy, Aug 27, 2006.

  1. mykas_mommy

    mykas_mommy New Member

    As many of you know that I have recently lost my job and so now I am on the big hunt for another one. I have been busting my butt to find something soon so my son can still go to daycare and get the preschool stuff he needs and just for the sake of having money.

    The last time I was without a job, I spent my whole week off working on my moms house getting it unpacked from moving. I did nothing to my house at all. Now here I sit having spent my whole week over at my moms house helping her prep her dining room for us to wallpaper this weekend. My mom took off this past week so she could work on her house, she still isnt unpacked after moving in almost a year ago.

    She asked me to come help her when I wasnt out doing job searches or interviews. I get over there each morning and she is sitting on her butt drinking coffee complaining about the guys putting the siding on her house (they started and then walked off the job and now she is waiting for this one guy to finish installing windows to finish her house). I would have to start working to get her up to do anything. I pulled off most of the wallpaper that was there, I took down all the trim, I taped around doorways and baseboards, I did most of the primering and then I sat and did all the prepping of the paper (we are brown papering her dining room so I was tearing paper and crumpling it and dividing it into filler and edges). She would get up on a stool and do the things I could not reach because I do not do heights.

    She could have sat at night tearing paper or even taping down her bathroom to paint, she did nothing. She bought paint to go on her columns outside to match the trim that is someday going on her house, I too painted that while she sat there and told me I was doing it wrong or talked on the phone.

    Yesterday my sister and I went over there to start the tedious work ahead. While my sister and I hung paper she spread on glue for 30 minutes until it was time for golf to come on. so my sister and I got into our rhythum of doing the papering (we did this to my sisters house before) one was spreading glue the other was putting it on the wall. She sat in front of the tv and watched golf, did she tear any paper for us HELL NO! She wouldnt take care of our boys while we were papering either so we would have to stop and separate them from fighting.

    My sister and I worked pretty much non-stop from 2pm to 10:30pm yesterday and was expected to be there by 10:30 this morning. Of course my sister shows up at almost noon complaining of her neck hurting from looking and reaching up all day yesterday.

    My mom didnt go get anymore paste as we had told her we needed so she waits until my sister gets there to go get the paste and what ever else she got. When she gets back home she again sits in front of the tv to watch golf while we are working our butts off.

    We decided to put the trim back up and put the border that was going in it on the wall. That was a chore! I went to put the bottom trim up after allowing the border to dry and was putting it in the same holes that it came out of.

    My mother walks in the house from out smoking and the first thing she says is its not straight. I just went off on her. I told her I didnt appreciate being used to take care of her whole house while she sat around and did nothing. She then threw in my face well at least I have a job. Needless to say I grabbed my son and left. On the way out the door she told me I was being a big baby. OH MY GOD!!!!

    I am stressed out, tired and in pain and neither of them seem to care. They never help me with my house I always help them with theirs. My house is a total disaster, I need to do dishes, laundry and take care of my son but can I do that while I am slaving away at my moms house heck no.
    I am sorry about my rant but it just hacks me off to no end that they treat me this way. And then when I stand up to them I am a big baby.
    [This Message was Edited on 08/27/2006]
  2. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hi, I really want to read your post but I can't because my eyes cross with no breaks in the text. If you go in and put in paragraphs, it would help so much.

    Click on Edit, then divide the text by hitting the Enter key twice every few sentences. You might get more replies that way.

    Thanks. I have to go to bed now but I'll look for it in the morning.

    Marta
  3. kirschbaum26

    kirschbaum26 New Member

    Dear Mykasmommy:

    So sorry that you are having such a tough time with job situation as well as your family. I certainly know what you are going through. You need to take care of yourself.

    Does your mother realize that you are ill, and that working as much as you did on her house will cause you PAIN? Did she offer to pay you for your hard work? Is this something that is expected of you? And your sister?

    Sounds like she relies on you to do the work that she does not want to do, yet does not seem to want to pay someone else to do. I am sure that if you were to send her a bill for the work that you did, she then could not say that you did not have a job.

    I hope that you can work it all, as it is so tough to be ill, and not be able to get some of the help, understanding and support from those around us, especially our own family.

    Good luck to you.

    I have some relatives in Weatherford, OK. I have not been there to visit in about 25 years...but I have lots of relatives...mostly named SAUER.

    Ingrid
  4. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    I've hung lots of wallpaper in my life. I've painted many a house, both inside and out. I was a fabulous painter.

    But that part of my life is over. If I need paper hung or painting done, I shall hire it to be done.
  5. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Read the book "When I say NO, I Feel Guilty" by Manual Smith.

    Get the toxic people out of your life.

    They are not going to change, so you need to.

    You and your son will be much happier. The less I have to do w/ my toxic family, the happier I am.

    It is hard to say NO the first time. You will feel so much relief after you do, it gets easier and easier. Do not attempt to be reasonable. Do not explain. Do not make excuses.

    Just say No and keep your distance.
  6. mykas_mommy

    mykas_mommy New Member

    could not read my post because I didnt put in spaces. At the time of the post I was fresh in my anger and I was not worried about proper english or spaces. I just wanted to rant.

    When I first read your posts asking me to put spaces in there I was quite offended but once I sat back and thought I do understand what you were trying to say. So as you have noticed I did add spaces. I appreciate anyones comments.

    Maybe I am being a big baby and wanting to have some one pat me on the back and say those big meanies. But right now thats what I want. I just wish someone near me could understand. And I wish my family understood they just think I am a hypocondriac. Anyway Thanks
  7. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    You are not being a baby, in fact you need to learn to draw a line. Take care of YOU and YOUR house before agreeing to do it for others.

    Next time, tell mom you can't make it, and you are so sorry.

    You are probably used to trying to please your mom and expecting her appreciation for your sacrifices.

    She probably does not even realize what a sacrifice it is for you. I can't believe you were able to do what you did.

    Mom should be thanking you, not criticizing. Maybe you girls should have asked her to do something to help, unless she is sick or unable to help.

    Hope you are feeling better soon.
  8. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Thank you for making paragraph breaks!!! Whew! I'm running a little late because I remembered I had to buy a birthday gift for my granddaughter and mail it by today.

    Now I'll probably offend you all over again. lol I hope not.

    When I read your post I immediately thought of Dr. Phil's excellent statement that We teach people how to treat us. It's so true. If you don't value yourself, no one else will either no matter how much help you give them.

    You worked your behind off because you wanted to help, then you wanted someone to appreciate that you worked your behind off. Makes sense to me. But families aren't always the way we want or need them to be at least mine isn't.

    Save your energy for finding a job if that's what you feel you can do, and for taking care of Myka. Let your mom take care of her own house from now on, not in an angry way, just sensibly. You must take care of you first.

    Hugs,
    Marta

  9. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    If it does make you feel better, I was thinking how horrible you were being treated, and that your mom is a big meanie!!!! LOL

    I think I got so angry for you because I know you want or need your mom to approve of you and say something NICE OUT LOUD TO you, and she is probably the type who NEVER gives you what you need...

    Dr Phil says sometimes we have to give ourselves what we need, but ding dang it, what is WRONG with some of these people ???????

    Jana