Why do some loved ones leave but others stay?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Darcyfarrow, Mar 31, 2003.

  1. Darcyfarrow

    Darcyfarrow New Member

    Hi Friends,

    Just read Lifedancer's latest post. She's really down because her daughter has basically turned her back on her. This reminds me of a phenomonon I've noticed that I hope someone can shine some light on for me: it seems that a fair number of the spouces of disabled people leave their husbands or wives very soon after it becomes clear that the disabled person will never again be as productive as they had been before.

    Yet other the spouses of some fortunate disabled take on the responsibility of care with out a second thought, as if they had known all along that this would be part of the marriage.

    Has anyone else thought about this? As you might guess, my interest in not just academic. For over 2 years my husband has railed at and pleaded with me to get and keep a job, and for reasons too compex to go into, I have not been successful at this. The bottom line, however, is that I know my husband well enough to know that the only reason he hasn't divorced me is that we live in a community property state and he is too stingy to give me half the retirement fund and equity in the house! We don't get along too badly, but he's just making the best of a bad situation.

    So, really, I want insight about this phenomenon. Bill is a loving person in some ways but he hates me to go to the MD and thinks I am a huge hypochondriac.

    Thanks for any light you can shed on this subject.

    Love, Darcy

    PS Feel better little Lifedancer!
  2. pudge

    pudge New Member

    i know how you feel- my life has been one relationship after another-when im strong i was fun to be around-but when i fell-addios-only one person supported me my other robert- we were together from 86-92-he had depression too and he gave me unconditional llove and support-we just had a mutual understand-no matter what we were there for each other-he died from cancer in 92- its so hard to find that special person who can be there for you-through thick and thin-im not the most pleasant person to be around when i dont feel good.most people cant leave you alone when thats what you want.i hate being alone but thats how i get along best with other people- my daughter has a husband who is a god-send he has been by her side through-everything possibable.when she falls -he picks her up-when she is wobbly he stands by her side and when she hurts he feels her pain!! if your husband doesnt get sick- then he cant understand why you have to be.its hard to be with a person who just doesnt get it and then it makes it harder for you to deal with it if you have to explain yourself all the time -you will never have piece of mind maybe your husband doesnt want you to get better-or he just doesnt want to understand-you have to do what makes you feel ok-and no the pain is real or you will beat yourself up all the time thinking if im a hypochondriac why do i feel so crummy-you start toying with your own sanity and start to doubt yourself-be strong for yourself because no one else will-take care-hope this didnt put you to sleep!!!???
  3. Darcyfarrow

    Darcyfarrow New Member

    Are you saying that we shouldn't get into details of our personal lives even if we want to? Perhaps you are saying that you yourself prefer to avoid reading these sorts of posts. I'm not sure what you mean. Maybe it's clear and I'm just tired.

    But I really AM puzzled as to how this was a reply to my original post. Yes I went on about my husband, but I repeatedly said what I wanted was insights into the GENERAL phonomenon(sp) of why this one leaves and that one stays. And personal stories about these two behaviors are welcome, because insight can, of course, be gleaned from such information.

    Love, Darcy

    PS I am jealous of your profession and where you live! Getting too tired to write. Take care
  4. sofy

    sofy New Member

    None of us know how we would react under stress until we are there. We each have a responsibility to ourselves and I suspect that some of us know we are not strong enough to meet the demands of living with a sick person. Does that make us a bad person? I dont know. As you said in an earlier post some of us are fixers and some are huggers. A fixer would be more likely to leave cuz they could not fix the problem and the sense of failure would be more than they could bear. Others know they are not strong enough to not get sucked into the sick world with their loved one so run for self survival. Others are just selfish and self centered.
    I ask myself if I was a vital person a saw my life as never anything more than being the support system for very sick person would I or could I thrive. I dont know?
    Some of us are not nurturers or towers of strength, moral or otherwise.
  5. bejo

    bejo New Member

    I think it really boils down to a persons basic personality whether they stay at times of trouble or if they leave.Plus if they were raised to reach out and help someone in pain or trouble.As a person gets older they could change to care and help,but they haven't been taught to do this.I always think that there are really 2 types of people--the givers and the takers.The givers automatically think of the other person first.The takers may learn to think of others but they will always think of themselves first.It's automatic to them.Don't know if this will help,but want you to know that I care and will be here for you. (((((hugs)))) bejo