why don't family members understand....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rbecca47, Nov 6, 2005.

  1. rbecca47

    rbecca47 New Member

    i am just wondering if anyone has this problem, my sons and one grandaughter, (raising), seem to understand, they don't live with me but all three will come in on the weekends and help with things i am to exhausted to do. laundry is a big thing, But here is my complaint and my sons. is my son in law. and other grandaughter, they are living with me, and can't seem to get it in there heads that i can not keep cleaning up after them. they leave messes every where. cloths, dishes, and garbage ( papers,tissues, pop bottles, and toys). today i overdid, and am in to much pain. it evens hurts to type.i have told them, over and over. i am not there maid. i fell over her toys and bruised my leg. he will cook a meal and leave it in the pans, on the stove and never put it away. my 10 yr old grandaughter is very angry that she has to clean up there dishes. and the waste of food. yes the expense is on me he gives me 20 dollars here and there says it should help. sorry so long i guess i just had to vent, i am tired, and this DD has got the best of me. for a woman that hung dry wall, worked 12hrs. a day. this is hard to come to grips with. i push then i pay. well enough of this soap box. just need to know how to deal with some one that doesn't understand the DD.
  2. ellie5320

    ellie5320 New Member

    I do understand mine know there is a lot wrong with me mum says you poor thing life is hell I tell her no its not I don't need her negativity but at home hubby is good but still seems to know which buttons to press to make me feel guilty when I am not coping I am glad we have here to just get it off our chests
    Linda
  3. sallyj

    sallyj New Member

    Hi Rbecca,

    Firstly i know what you are going though, its hard enough dealing with everyday stuff without extra mess and peoples lack of concern for it.

    I had months of it and finally i had enough just like yourself what i did was printed sheets of my condition (cfs)off the internet and asked all my family members to read it until i felt they understood what i felt like and how others can help, i left these sheets out so they didn't forget, and i got my doctor to talk to my husband to tell him how it was effecting everyday life for me (he took it from him) it has helped they do sometimes forget and i say well i done my bits today i cannot phycially and mentally do no more if you want it done you do and if there are no clean dishes load the dish washer and clean them,etc just be clear with them rebbeca and when you feel you done enough just STOP, your not the only one within the home and not the only one with a pair of hands.

    Hope this helps
    Sally x
  4. cosmoo

    cosmoo New Member

    Rbecca,
    seems to me you have a few options here . I would strongly suggest you choose one or make one yourself for yourself! You CANNOT convince selfish people of what it is like to live in chronic pain, so I say stop trying to educate them on it and maybe consider just taking care of yourself -you ARE worth it!!!
    First option, which may not be one for you is give him a deadline to move out-say 60 days. Tell him it is imperative for your health!!
    Second option-the box method. Get yourself 2 boxes or two laundry baskets-whatever will work and then for several days put EVERYTHING (including those dirty dishes-dump the food out first) they leave laying around in the box, trash and all. The box goes in there living quarters, bedroom whatever..This will drive you crazy and it will still require some pickup on your part for a few days till they get the idea. If you run out of dishes cause they are all in "his" room then order out or call a friend to pick you up for a change of pace (take granddaughter to if you need to feed her) All granddaughters toys ect.. go in her box and toys are "grounded" for one week, in other words taken away if you find them and put them in a box. She can earn them back out of the box for picking up and helping for a week. Parents use this one all the time.
    Third option-Have the family members who are good about assisting you come over for a little family intervention with the son in law and lay down some boundries if he is going to be living with you. Bring a nurse friend in on this if you can.
    You must not enable your son in law to jeapordize your health-don't allow it!

    I do not know your famaily situation but I care about what is happing to you, this kind of stress will only continue to make things worse. Since I do not know your situation do you have some close friends who understand and could help you come up with a solution. Remember this MUST end.
    I am sorry if I sound harsh or like Dr, Phil, but do please try hard to change this remembering that your son in law is not willing to it appears.
    Courage my girl you are worth taking care of.
    Cosmoo
  5. shell3

    shell3 New Member

    dear sallyj ,i read the part where you said your dr. had a talk with your husband, to tell him how this affects you. my husband wants a divorce [for the 6 time] in 4 yrs. we are both in our 50s his kids and grandkids... my kids and grandkids] his lives in florida mine near me. which he doesnt want them coming over to visit. [hes stressed!!] youre lucky your husband cares about you. when i have a bad day they are mine to bear alone.. i hate him
  6. beth0818

    beth0818 New Member

    i have been living with my fiance for 6 months and he doesn't seem to understand that i acn not clean up after myself AND him. he says he is tired too. but he doesn' understand that although we both work full time and i know he gets tired, i don't just get tired. i am exhausted and achey. people who have never been ill just don't "get it." i actually just sent a mas email to all of my friends and family requesting that they visit this message board so they know what we all go through and the issues we have to deal with.
  7. poodlemommy

    poodlemommy New Member

    The only advise I have is to send them packing. Your not doing them or you any favours. Its time he grew up.
    hugs poodlemum
  8. diva2mi

    diva2mi New Member

    I am lucky that my father and stepmother understand, and my grandmother tries to understand. My grandmother is 93 and cuts out articles for me about reports in her part of the country for what people are trying to do to combat FMS. Then she asks me if I am getting better yet. Her heart is in the right place.

    The main problem I have had the past year is my boyfriend who lived with me. He moved in with me after six months of us dating cross country. He seemed to understand and would ask how I felt when he was still in NJ. Then he moved in. All of a sudden he is telling his father that I am a hypochondriac and he hates dealing with my crap day after day. Then I found him taking my meds cause he thought I didn't really need them and just took them to get high.

    I found out he was a hard-core alcoholic and drug stealer the hard way... he says I am lazy, that I don't know what a full time job is (which is a lie) and he has said much more. Which is why I am now kicking him out. I have had to stop taking my pills (all except birth control, he won't touch those, ha ha) and haven't been able to continue with my therapist who was helping me deal with stress so the symptoms wouldn't flare as badly as they did before the therapist.

    I tried printing out material and giving him chapters to read of books, but he would tell me that he read them when he hadn't. It was just a mess.

    I decided that this situation wasn't going to get any better. It would be hard for you to do the same as you are raising the children, but where are they getting these ideas frrom? Other adults around them? I would try informing them or having your other sons and grandchildren try to help inform them.

    Whatever you decide to do, bless you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
  9. poodlemommy

    poodlemommy New Member

    hi diva> I read your post about your addict boyfriend. Kick him out. He will NEVER NEVER understand fibro. All he will understand is how to get at your pills without getting caught and leave you suffering. I know, I married an addict and it took 14 years for me to wake up. I got sicker and sicker. So be wise and get rid of him before you get so sick you wont be able to. Then get back on your meds and take care of yourself. Your boyfriend is a sick addict and needs long term help to over come his addiction but your health will only suffer trying to help him. Sounds like you know what to do. The sooner the better.
    hugs, poodlemum