WHY I SEEM TO BE CRASHING LATELY....

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by another_painful_day, Feb 2, 2004.

  1. another_painful_day

    another_painful_day New Member

    Lately, Ive been posting alot on the other Posting Board about crashing with my illness and the severe depression I have been experiencing. Alot of it is the illness but little by little Im also figuring out what else in my life is triggering whats going on with me...aside from possibly losing my job and feeling really ill lately.....

    There is tremendous emotional stress in my home. Alot of it falls on my shoulders to "fix" or even comfort. My hubby helps, but I seem to be more in tune with helping the children express what they feel and allowing them to feel it...whether its anger, saddness, regret, frustration...sometimes I end up being the "kickball" thru it all...thast ok though...at least they can get out whats going on in their minds and hearts. I know myself I NEVER had a mom or dad or sibling there for me in my life so Im glad I have been put in their lives to help see them thru.
    Ive been really sick lately so its been a tough task.
    Now...add guilt to that....POOF! Im not the perfect mommy or wifey...and its killing me. Im extremely hard on myself and hubby tells me that all the time. I just cant help it.

    My two step-children are wonderful kids going thru some
    hard emotional times. Their mom hasnt and still doesnt exactly make the "best of choices" in her life and they are suffering so badly from it (she is a former Heroin Abuser and is in a marriage of abuse and possibly more drugs and alcohol). Alot of times I sit with them and explain they cant control what mommy does and they cant change them. The one thing thay CAN do and have control over is leaving it all up to their faith and God and hand everything over to him...becuase he does have the power to change mommy or mommys circumstances. Its tough on them because they havent seen mommy in over 5 months. Unfortunately for My hubby(their daddy) and myself we cant allow them to go see their mom because of unsafe environment and alot of abuse going on where she lives. The kids have been expposed to a great day and we are trying to protect them. On the other hand, its tough of them because sometimes they feel we dont want them to see mommy but on the other hand they understanmd that its a dangerous situation
    As far as my children are concerned they see their dad every other weekend. He does live in town but never really makes an effort to do much more than the every other weekends. My oldest daughter and me have a good relationship and shes very open and honest with me. Alot of times she cries because daddy says mean thing about her mommy (me) and always makes her feel bad about things. Again, I tell her the same thing I tell my beautiful step-daughter.....(and my sweet step-son) . She cant change Daddy. Difference with her is that she already knows she cant change Daddy and that she knows that it needs to be handed over to God. I just have to keep reminding her sometimes, especially when shes in tears and frustrated.

    As far as my little one, shes still got some things to learn. She also has alot of built up anger inside her becuase to this day she still cant understand why daddy doesnt live at home anymore and whyIm re-married and she has step-siblings.

    If again, I could ask for another prayer, I would appreciate prayers for our four kids and what they all are going thru lately.
    I think this is why I am so emotional lately as well and why my flare ups are so bad.
    The stress of taking care of each individuals emotional needs and pushing myself aside seem to be catching up with me. Id DIE for these kids because they all deserve a good life...stability, love, understanding, support and knowing that THIS is where they can feel safe and loved.

    I put tremendous pressure on myself to do everything "perfect". I had a horribly crappy childhood. Abuse and all. I DONT WANT ANY OF OUR KIDS TO HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN AND LIVE THE PAIN I DID AS A CHILD.

    Talk about grand tasks? LOL! Gee, little by little Im actually seeing WHY I am so emotional lately.

    Im pretty much tapped out of giving support and being everyones "rock" only becuase I cant even help myself lately.......but I do say my little prayers thru-out the day and I know that God has put all of us together in this blended family for a reason.

    I do also ask for prayers of strength...esp lately. Its tough being there for everyone when Im falling apart myself.

    Thank you! and God Bless All of you!

    Gee...I didnt realize how long this was...sorry LOL! Hope you dont mind. It just helps me to sort out whats going on with me and my emotionals lately.
  2. blessings

    blessings New Member

    It sounds to me that the way you are handling the children is very good. It might help if the step children could visit their mother in another environment other than her home...this is something to think about. And prayer for both the ex husband and wife is the only thing that will bring about change.

    I also had a childhood that I would not want to live over if offered any amount of money in the world. The need for children to feel safe, secure, loved, their needs met, you cannot put a price on that.

    I know it is taking a lot out of you and no doubt that is why you are feeling worse than ever. You are putting out, but not getting anything in.

    Dear Lord;

    I come into Your Holy presence on behalf of this dear lady who is so worn out with all the demands that are placed upon her. Lord, please impart Your wisdom not only to her, but also to the biological parents of these children that are making the situation worse. Lord Jesus, I ask that You draw them to You and touch their souls with your saving grace. I pray that by Your power and might that you will save them, and set things in their proper places. Lord, I pray that you will give strength to our friend who is working so hard to be all to all. I ask that you give her rest in body, soul and spirit. Lord, we cannot hold everything together, only You are able to be all and do all.

    So , daily , Lord, please meet with her and let her lean upon You, Your yoke is easy, and Your burden is light. LOrd, I pray that all the children will know you as Saviour, that through it all,You will be glorified. I ask this in the Name of Jesus, Amen...

    Take care and its ok to acknowledge that we can't fix it all. I know. I tried too.
    love to you, Blessings

  3. danny3861

    danny3861 New Member

    Sure sounds like you have a plate full in your life and being able to talk about it and why we are all here at the Worship board. For me it's about not feeling alone in my own struggles. /I will be praying to the Lord to show you and your family the Grace it deserves.

    Dear Lord, please hear my prayers for this lady and her family. Whatever is your will, please let it be done.
    Let her know that you are always by her side, holding her hand, to give the comfort, peace, and strength to endure her difficulties. I pray that you bring into her life and her families life some rays of light, that lets them know that you are a Almighty God andSavior. God Bless and this is in the name of Jesus, amen.

    Danny
  4. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    A way I dealt with the emotional pain of my childhood.. Is realizing it made me stronger. Its what was planned for me. It brought courage and strength in many ways.

    I think you are doing a beutiful job. The only thing that comes to mind to say is.. And I don't mean any harm or anything is..

    You are not perfect, you cannot make everything perfect. Going for perfection is not the way at all. I tryed that for years, and it got me no where. I hope you are taking time out for yourself. You really need to. I learned the hard way. I know you got your hands full, but you MUST make time for yourself also.

    Of course you don't want the kids to feel any of the pain at all like we did as children. The unloved and no one listening to us. The abuse physically and verbally. I know you want to protect them like a mamma with her cubs. I do also. I am happy that you are doing so.

    But, again. Life has pain and agony at times. Life has joy and happiness too. We all in some form or another will feel emotional pain. Looks like to me you are a great Mom, being there for them, to help them through the pain.

    Sometimes too I learned, you got to let go and just enjoy life. Let life happen. Let go of the guilt also, its just going to make you feel worse.

    I learned God put people, all kind of people..The bad and the good ones in life for a reason. Even bad ones.. Yes.

    Helps me out too when writing about it. I understand being emotional and depressed very well. It passes, it really does. Though at the time, it don't feel like it.

    Will be praying like you requested.

    Sunny
  5. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    What a heavy load you have, all those children, and all their individual little problems and personalities. You are a wonder lady!

    Will pray for you and yours, but you need to give some of this burden to the Lord.

    YOu make me think of the Scripture, 'when I am weak, then I am strong' or something like that.

    God bless, and I will be praying for all of you.


    Shalom, Shirl
  6. another_painful_day

    another_painful_day New Member

    Cant believe I STILL feel like this and Im still here LOL! Still waiting for relief though. STILL praying...STILL no answers yet....so Ill STILL pray some more!!!!

    Hi Shirl....ty for responding to this post.
    as far as my shoulders are concerned...if they were so braod in the past, theres not much left of them now considering Im truly on the verge of a major breakdown....Im trying my best I guess thats all I can do right?