Lately, Ive been posting alot on the other Posting Board about crashing with my illness and the severe depression I have been experiencing. Alot of it is the illness but little by little Im also figuring out what else in my life is triggering whats going on with me...aside from possibly losing my job and feeling really ill lately..... There is tremendous emotional stress in my home. Alot of it falls on my shoulders to "fix" or even comfort. My hubby helps, but I seem to be more in tune with helping the children express what they feel and allowing them to feel it...whether its anger, saddness, regret, frustration...sometimes I end up being the "kickball" thru it all...thast ok though...at least they can get out whats going on in their minds and hearts. I know myself I NEVER had a mom or dad or sibling there for me in my life so Im glad I have been put in their lives to help see them thru. Ive been really sick lately so its been a tough task. Now...add guilt to that....POOF! Im not the perfect mommy or wifey...and its killing me. Im extremely hard on myself and hubby tells me that all the time. I just cant help it. My two step-children are wonderful kids going thru some hard emotional times. Their mom hasnt and still doesnt exactly make the "best of choices" in her life and they are suffering so badly from it (she is a former Heroin Abuser and is in a marriage of abuse and possibly more drugs and alcohol). Alot of times I sit with them and explain they cant control what mommy does and they cant change them. The one thing thay CAN do and have control over is leaving it all up to their faith and God and hand everything over to him...becuase he does have the power to change mommy or mommys circumstances. Its tough on them because they havent seen mommy in over 5 months. Unfortunately for My hubby(their daddy) and myself we cant allow them to go see their mom because of unsafe environment and alot of abuse going on where she lives. The kids have been expposed to a great day and we are trying to protect them. On the other hand, its tough of them because sometimes they feel we dont want them to see mommy but on the other hand they understanmd that its a dangerous situation As far as my children are concerned they see their dad every other weekend. He does live in town but never really makes an effort to do much more than the every other weekends. My oldest daughter and me have a good relationship and shes very open and honest with me. Alot of times she cries because daddy says mean thing about her mommy (me) and always makes her feel bad about things. Again, I tell her the same thing I tell my beautiful step-daughter.....(and my sweet step-son) . She cant change Daddy. Difference with her is that she already knows she cant change Daddy and that she knows that it needs to be handed over to God. I just have to keep reminding her sometimes, especially when shes in tears and frustrated. As far as my little one, shes still got some things to learn. She also has alot of built up anger inside her becuase to this day she still cant understand why daddy doesnt live at home anymore and whyIm re-married and she has step-siblings. If again, I could ask for another prayer, I would appreciate prayers for our four kids and what they all are going thru lately. I think this is why I am so emotional lately as well and why my flare ups are so bad. The stress of taking care of each individuals emotional needs and pushing myself aside seem to be catching up with me. Id DIE for these kids because they all deserve a good life...stability, love, understanding, support and knowing that THIS is where they can feel safe and loved. I put tremendous pressure on myself to do everything "perfect". I had a horribly crappy childhood. Abuse and all. I DONT WANT ANY OF OUR KIDS TO HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN AND LIVE THE PAIN I DID AS A CHILD. Talk about grand tasks? LOL! Gee, little by little Im actually seeing WHY I am so emotional lately. Im pretty much tapped out of giving support and being everyones "rock" only becuase I cant even help myself lately.......but I do say my little prayers thru-out the day and I know that God has put all of us together in this blended family for a reason. I do also ask for prayers of strength...esp lately. Its tough being there for everyone when Im falling apart myself. Thank you! and God Bless All of you! Gee...I didnt realize how long this was...sorry LOL! Hope you dont mind. It just helps me to sort out whats going on with me and my emotionals lately.