Windblade

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by dejovu, May 19, 2006.

  1. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    I have a question and it might be totally out of line but I'm going to ask it. It's just a feeling I'm getting. Don't really have anything I'm basing it on. So you can tell me to take a flying leap if you'd like. Well here goes................If I told you I grew-up with the family from hell, would you understand what I was saying?
  2. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    I understand 1000%, hon. I've been trying to heal from my family from hell who made my life a living hell - some therapists have said like a concentration camp.

    My current therapist said that it was like living with a gun pointed at my head every day of my life!

    I understand just from those few words - like it was my own country! A very lonely one.

    LOve, Judy

  3. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    Just so you know I do understand. Healing is an everyday thing for me. One step, one day, my life. It's been held hostage for along time but I'm slowly taken it back. Chat if you would like. Your in my prayers. DE PS. Thx for the answer.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/19/2006]
  4. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    I'm SO GLAD that you are taking back your life from being held hostage! I know exactly what that is like, and how hard it is!!! We can help and encourage each other, like sisters on the journey!

    You have such a beautiful, loving heart and I have been inspired by the richness and depth of your prayers. That must be the combination of your suffering, and dark experiences and the imagination to express it so well.

    I trust God daily, hourly, situation by situation. I'm glad to say that I'm weak ,and needy for Him, because all this relying keeps me in close touch, and receiving Him more fully.

    Jesus said that his strength is PERFECTED in my weakness.
    Wow, what a gift.

    But we need help from others too!!! I always think of my friends in the image of a dolphin pod. When a dolphin is sick and is too weak to hold it's head up to breathe, the other members of the pod take turns holding it up, so it can breathe and survive!

    I would like to be part of your pod - have already started praying.

    With much love, Judy

    p.s. I can't handle the chat room very well if that's where you usually talk. I've tried 3 times, and I get kind of dizzy and confused.

    However,I could probably LISTEN. I can't type fast enough.
    I look at the keyboard and only type with one finger -not from pain, just not knowing how to type.

    But I feel honored that you wrote to me , and would love to share our healing journeys!!!
  5. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    I get dizzy in the chat room and can't type that fast either.
    I believe we can help and encourage each other. I believe
    God has a plan for us, that's why he brought us together.
    Your an answer to one of my prayers. On this board, alot of people have things in commen. I pray there aren't to many that share something in commen with my past. But if there are then let us grow together. I loved the dolphins in the pod example. Let us hold each others head above water when necessary. And I'll be there when you need a shoulder too. Thankyou for all the kind words. I'm a pretty simple person, a minimalist (sp). Probably due alot to my past. I am also very private but I'm working on that.And I know with Gods help I will conquer that fear. Tell me more about your art and what you are doing in that area today? I'll try and put one of my photo's on my bio. God bless you and your family. I'm looking forward to many more conversations. Blessings. De
  6. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    My art work is one of the great casualties of the destruction I lived with. The messages underneath and out in the open were my life was meant to be annhilated,or if I did anything for myself the message was that I was destroying the abusers in my life.

    So, I have been fighting literally FOR DECADES to be able to do my art work without getting a killer reaction. I have had to give it up so many times, sometimes for years when I was just fighting for survival.

    Right now I have a very good therapist, and WOULD LOVE your prayers for this very crucial part of my life!

    I still get what I call self-sabatoging reactions which I can barely deal with.

    These are the results of the abuser's words and messages that I internalized; and live out a civil war inside myself.

    Please let me know, dear De, if anything I write is hurtful to you.

    This week I am so restless and bored with that stifled creativity. But I fear the results, the harmful reactions when I do what I love - what brings me most alive.

    I am trying a new medication for this very purpose - hopefully to help me bear it, but I've just started it.

    Thank you for listening to all this! Let me know if it's too much.

    Where are you now in your journey, and quest for freedom?

    Love, Judy
  7. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    I do understand and I am working on basically erasing my past. I spent way to much of my life in self-hatred. When it is taught to us from day one we know no differents. Then we get away from it and out in the world and we find out the truth. We then meet truly loving people and we get confused. It is such a vicious circle. I am praying for you and thanking God for bringing you into my life. He must have a special plan for us, how exciting. Oh and you can tell me anything. If you need to talk...I will be here. It does make me feel lighter when I unload the past. I mentally invision a bad part and using my eyes (there closed) rolling them left and right I erase that part. Sounds odd but it works and Jesus helps with the healing. Bless you! De
    [This Message was Edited on 05/21/2006]
  8. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    What you said about the eye movements is what I am using as a tool in therapy now. EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization (something).

    It's funny but I took out my drawings and paints this morning early. And was thinking of you since I had shared about that. I wondered if you had seen my post but thought it was way too early, but you caught it last night.:)

    THANK YOU for your prayers! I found a drawing that I had done of a blue-footed booby from Galapagos dancing away. It caught all the exuberance and joyful silliness of this bird. I love them so much. It was in an old stash.

    Also took out one of my best watercolors of a dark purple iris bud. It looks great. Eight months ago my husband was all choked up when he accidentally saw it - (looking for paper) because I couldn't paint, and he knows how painful it is for me.


    Since then I got my drawing in pretty good shape ( maybe very good) and worked with my therapist on the self-sabatoging that horribly always comes up.

    The last problem was that I got so enthusiastic, then it kept accelerating until I was so overactive and hyper that I was doing household stuff for up to 20 hours a day!!!

    For about a month this went on, until I had a complete CFS crash. No wonder! And I tried 2 different mood stabilizers, but they were bad for hyperglycemia, which I've had severely since a teenager. They made my sugar crazy.

    So I needed over a month to get better - get some energy back.

    What have you been working on - your photography or painting?

    De, have you ever been to therapy before?

    Saying some prayers that God will help you in whatever you need now!

    Lots of love, JUdy
  9. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    Just got home and am toooooooo tired to write but will answer tomorrow. God Bless De
  10. morningsonshine

    morningsonshine New Member

    Reading your post back and forth is very touching.

    I'm sorry you both had to go thur what every you did growing up.

    I have tears for you both. I Pray that your emotional wounds are healed in Jesus, and the physical follows.

    I grew up with a very controling angry father, it always amazes me (and scares me) how much my inside person relates to people who were seriously abused.

    I never felt very loveable. I have also felt like something is wrong with me, missing, that "normal" people have. I don't function like other people, i keep myself from getting things done.
    I can't run my own life, manage it, but i've alway been a very hard worker for others. Well until i couldn't work anymore. I take orders REALLY well! LOL (accept from hubby)
    I'm thinking as i write this, because i've never tried to put out there before.
    I'm tempted to delete this!!

    After being a christian for 13 years, i feel like i'm just begining to accept the love God, my Lord, has for ME!!
    I never could believe I was worthwhile!!!
    But I AM a child of God!!!!
  11. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    For an outsider looking at me growing up, they would have seen the child in expensive clothes, and a perfectly behaved child. Beware of children who appear too perfect, they usually are covering up something.

    I didn't recognize emotional abuse until middle age. I just knew that I felt differently from other females.

    Once I got away to college, I was liberated. Homesick was a word I heard often, but had no idea why everyone wasn't as happy as I was to be away from home.

    Abuse comes in all forms.

    Have I had resulotion? No. She has made the choice to eliminate me totally for a dozen years now, and forbid my father and sister to ever contact me again. She is now 84 and is very busy trying to steal what she can from her sisters house. (she just passed away at 90) Greed is still primary.

    So yes, many of us totally understand.

    With my sincere prayers.
  12. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Hi sweet,

    I understand so well the feelings that you described! I have not felt lovable, and always 'not good enough' and worse.

    It is so crucial to receive that love from parents. I wonder if that was why Jesus was so angry at those who didn't treat children well - the millstone verse. You'll know it. :)

    I feel so honored that this was the first time that you shared about this. I know how terribly vulnerable it makes you feel, why you felt like deleting!

    I think we are "wounded healers", in that we can use these terrible sorrows, injustices, cruelties to understand a reality that not everyone can. Because to be wounded in this way breeds a sorrowful isolation.

    Let's make a special pact to pray for each other's needs, and healing and growth!!!

    With LOTS of love,
    Judy
  13. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Yes, when I was growing up in the 50's in the suburbs, everything was hushed up, ignored, NEVER spoken about.

    It's terrible how the bad treatment/abuse makes us feel so different, when we were the innocent, vulnerable ones!!!

    I'm so sorry about your losing your family. I have lost mine too totally. I kept trying to balance my own healing and growth, with trying to help them, but finally it became unbearable 5 years ago.

    Let's be healers for each other by praying and asking for God's help for each one of us!

    Love and blessings,
    Judy

    p.s. I know how much it hurts to lose family, even if they are abusive, and when they turn others against us!!!
  14. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    I soooooooooooo undersatnd all of your comments. Everyone I can relate to. Windblade it is just recently that when I hear a car door slam that I wouldn't have to run to the bathroom and get sick. I do understand the gun to the head feeling.
    Misty ( thats my daughters name and it is so lovely) No child should ever feel unloved. I remember always saying " mommy I love you" and never getting a response.
    Asa, I pretty much had lost all contact with my family but my mother in her will disowned me and left me a letter telling how much she hated me. Damn if she didn't get the last word in. In her letter she had an itemized list of everything I had done wrong since age three.
    It helps so much to write this as I have never really talked about it before. I will be praying for all our healing, and also asking God to teach us all about LOVE, since we missed a bit of that lesson. Blessings De
  15. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

  16. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    Can I come in?

    I just read this. I was reading and thought....yes, Lord there were others like me in the 1950's and'60's. I used to feel like I was so alone in a crowd.
    My home life was so bad....and I would watch t.v. programs like the Clever's, Andy and Opey Taylor, etc. You know the unreality shows! I thought that I was the only little girl living in hell!

    This board was a gift to us!

    Mari
  17. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    I am so thankful you came to join us. We are standing up and not letting anyone make us feel anything but love from each other and most of all from our Lord. It will help us all to let it out and then work on letting go of all that*!**!!!!!. Feel free to talk anytime and again thx. Adding you to my special prayer list. Growing up is hard enough without all this other **!!*****. Much love and Blessings DE
  18. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    De - your Mother sounds just like mine, unfortunately. She was and is extremely sadistic.

    I know it might seem like a tiny step of healing overall, but the fact that you never get sick anymore at that certain trigger is such a major thing.

    I still have startle reactions so much of the time to ANY noise or person coming upon me suddenly. When I'm feeling really bad I ask my husband to whistle or honk or sing or ANYTHING when he's going around a corner in our house. It feels like a very painful electrical shock otherwise.

    I have so much fear in my body, and emotions. That is a lot of what I'm working on with my therapist. Diving down to the things that are not in my conscious thoughts or awareness. Hopefully down to the roots.

    And there is progress, for the last 2 holidays - I didn't go into a black depression . In fact I had a wonderful time - amazing. I was so peaceful and happy.

    And I see and experience other healings. BUT, I think more than ever that God working in our healing process, with great prayer support is priceless.

    I know that these tragedies, losses, pain and terrible traumas from cruel treatment can never be solved enough by psychology. The losses are too great! But I believe so strongly that Christ is with us in our horrendous sufferings, and hope in Him is what has enabled me to survive.

    He is my rock-bottom foundation! Even while I do everything I can to heal.

    Darling De, I am with you all the way. I loved it when you said that God has a plan for us!

    Lots and lots of love,
    Judy

  19. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    Hi Judy, I still about jump out of my skin when the furnace kicks on and any other little thing. But I'm getting over the car door. We have all been through something no one should ever have to experience. My healing is straight from God. Without him I would not be here. So I'll be praying for my new family and our friendship and of course out healing. Blessings De
  20. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Come in, dear friend!!! I'm so sorry about all your sufferings. I know that feeling of isolation to the millionth degree. I don't know how I survived it!

    The 1950's and 60's WERE such an unreal time. No-one spoke ONE WORD to me until I was in my 30's - then my Aunt confirmed all that I had experienced.

    If only ONE PERSON had spoke the truth to me while I was living in the hell of hells, that one person could have made SUCH a difference. I was alone. So I understand your isolation.

    I stayed there to protect my little brother, so he would not be slowly destroyed like I was. By the time I tried to leave - to fly away - my wings had been broken purposefully so many times that I couldn't fly at all.

    Thank God - that He helped me in different ways, many different ways. Someday in heaven I'll know it all - and that will be my heaven!

    I believe we can help each other!!! That is a wonderful thing!

    Blessings to each!

    Love, Judy