WOW caught way off guard by hubby

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by babyjoan, Sep 2, 2003.

  1. babyjoan

    babyjoan New Member

    This weekend I was talking to my husband and telling him how much this message board means to me. I was telling him that someone was asking about a support group for families of fm sufferers. He turned to me and snapped "what would you have us do?" I was at a loss for words (a very rare thing) and I said I guess I just don't want to see eyes roll when I gasp or say ow, etc. He then went on a tirade of how would I like seeing someone I love suffer and be able to do nothing about it. I said I do see that everytime I look in a mirror. I then said maybe I just want a gentle stroke on my cheek by him, or to just simply say I'm sorry, is there anything I can do. This is from a man that is always loving and supportive but boy did he unleash some anger. I cried, he cried, maybe it was a way to vent for him as he would never go to a support group. It shocked me and I must say once again it ended up by the victim saying I'm sorry. Just had to vent because I felt just like a deer caught in the headlights and honestly did not know what to say about what I would have him do!! Joan
  2. Debrat

    Debrat New Member

    I am so sorry............I am sure it is his inability to help you........some people (men) are not good with pain......especially invisable.......if you were in a cast or etc.......it is easier to accept....give him time....let him read over your shoulder once in a while....let him see the topics we discuss.......keep taking care of yourself...

    Debra
  3. sky42

    sky42 New Member

    i have a terrible temper my self. and i've said some nasty things to my husband. pain, anger at not being able to do anything is part of anger.
    sounds like your husband was just really mad, and not at you. but not being able to do anything. and he won't go to the support group as he thinks it's either full of a bunch of whiners, or he'd have to admit to other people about you. if this was no the norm for him, don't let it bother you that bad. he was having a bad day. not always a good thing, but it does happen. just watch it happening again, and then wonder - alot.
  4. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    My husband also says he feels inadequate because he can't fix me. It is a male thing. They just don't "get it" that we just want someone to listen.
    Maybe this will help your relationship in the long run.
    Klutzo
  5. stillafreemind

    stillafreemind New Member

    I am sorry that you had a bad moment with your hubby. But I guess I feel sorry for him..like I feel sorry for mine. They did not bargin for this..yet they stay, they help, they support us in many various ways. I have often wondered how understanding and patient I would have been, if God forbid, it would have been him and not me. I hate to say this..But I know I would not be nearly as understanding and patient as my husband is.

    If he has always been good to ya..then let him have his moments when he can vent and/or let it out. And hopefully you will not beat him up with this in the future..AND hopefully He will not be upset with himself for just being human.

    wishing for you a great day .. Sherry
  6. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    I do understand chronic illness doe`s affect the whole family. I am a fixer, I like to make things better or right. I know when I was taking care my dad I just wanted so to fix him make him well, it hurt so to see him sick.

    Men do not know what to do when they cannot fix things.

    That is why we probably lose friends, they cannot stand seeing us in pain so it is easier to just back off. I would not do this because that is not a true friend but....

    Husbands unless they leave can not do that. To see you in pain and not beable to fix you probably makes him feel less than a man, Taking care of you, if he is a caring man, he prob. feels is his job and since he can`t fix you it builds anger inside he doe`s not know what to do with.

    Men do have difficulty understanding all us women want is stroking and not always fixing.
  7. Julygal

    Julygal New Member

    Bless you for sharing this. It happens at some time to all of us, I think, even when we have understanding & loving husbands. If WE get frustrated & upset dealing...I can only imagine what THEY must feel! This DDD hurts everyone! I guess ALL OF US HAVE TO VENT AT SOME POINT...whether we are the one with the illnesses or the one living with that person.
    Suggestion: I bought a book written by Gregg Piburn & I do recommend it. It is SO honest & helpful. The book is "Beyond Chaos - One Man's Journey Alongside His Chronically Ill Wife" My husband & I read it together. If nothing else it's another way of knowing you are not alone!
    God bless,
    Carolyn
  8. ssMarilyn

    ssMarilyn New Member

    I feel so badly for my husband too. Here he is, only 52, and he can retire anytime he wants to. He wants to go on trips, cruises, etc... and I'm just not up to it. This problem I have is also "his" problem and is making a real negative affect on his life, but he never complains, not even once. It makes me so mad to be like this, but I refuse to feel like a victim. I didn't choose this, I can't help that I have this medical condition, but I will not be a victim!

    Marilyn :)
  9. gumama

    gumama New Member

    I have just the opposit situation, my husband has been sick with Lupus for 8 yrs, he was a marathon runner before he got sick.. he has migraine headaches 24/7 and has had all this time.

    I know its not his fault that he's sick, but in the beginning I had to learn to put my life in perspective, some days are harder than others, I'm married but feel as thought I'm single. he is completely housebound and we don't really have a life other than his illness..

    We have Grandchildren. one of whom is Autistic and the joy of our lives, and they bring the outside world inside for us..

    Men do not handle their wives Illness well, we are to be the care takers not the other way around, they are at a complete loss how to be the person in charge sometimes..

    Most husbands are totally dependent on their wives and when that security is taken away, they just don't know what to do..

    I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I think in the long run, he will feel better now because his feelings are out in the open... just give him some space to deal with them. and it will be better for both of you.

    support groups in person are good to a point, I personally find as a Cancer survivor and one with Fibro that the internet groups are much better.. just my personal preference

    God's Blessing to you both

    Sandy in the desert
  10. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Believe it or not, this is good. He is going through the grieving stages and at least he is past denial and into anger. He can express his anger so he can get through it and, hopefully, into acceptance. A good support group would help him with this. If he dosen't want to use a group, a good grief therapist will help. Good luck.

    BTW, progress is not linear. We can go back to a former stage or have one foot in one stage and the other foot in another, but in the long run, the goal is to get to acceptance. Only then can healing take place.

    Love, Mikie
  11. babyjoan

    babyjoan New Member

    Thanks to all who responded. I was/am usually the strong one emotionally. My husband did say yesterday that he was sorry but we have lost so many friends and family (he lost his dad to a truck accident, his cousin that was raised as his sister to cancer, his brother was killed in a jeep accident, to name just a few) that my illness is tapping into all of his grief. He is only 43 and feels like he has known nothing but death and illness. I reassured him that my problems are certainly not life threatening but I understand where he is coming from now. Again thanks for your support. Where would we all be without this board?

    Joan