YAY-here's some jokes, 1 & 2 liners mostly... BESTmedicine yet

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by victoria, Nov 15, 2006.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Two old ladies are in a restaurant.
    One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible."
    The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

    (Woody Allen)


    My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap."

    (Paul Rodriguez)


    Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery.
    When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
    I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
    He goes: "Not in a row!"

    (Steven Wright)


    TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there --- I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

    (Jerry Seinfeld)


    I want to have children, but my friends scare me. -
    One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.
    I don’t even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.

    (Rita Rudner)


    At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything.

    Even the people I KNOW don’t give me anything.

    (George Wallace)


    If this is coffee, please bring me some tea.

    If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

    (Abraham Lincoln)


    Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense.

    The tax man said,
    "Don’t EVER let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand."

    (Dick Gregory, who always seemed to have a cigarette in his hand while doing his act)


    I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper.
    A guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?"
    I didn’t know what to say.
    So I said yes. . .
    I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

    (David Brenner)


    I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world

    (Steven Wright)


    My grandfather is hard of hearing.
    He needs to read lips.
    I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

    (Brian Kiley)

    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2006]
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    charming collection, Victoria.

    Isn't Steven Wright the most mournful comedian you ever saw?!
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member


  4. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    This is such a neat idea for a board...loved your one-liners...at the rest, too!

  5. Shannonsparkles

    Shannonsparkles New Member

    ... to take out those nasty blood stains!
  6. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Thanks for the laughs, Victoria!

  7. onedaymagpie

    onedaymagpie New Member

    You always have such great jokes. Thanks for the laughs.
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I found on the net:

    "Never Confuse a Memo With a Reality" is a book by Richard A. Moran.

    It covers advice for the business person. One of the items is...

    "Reduce all memos to three bullet points. No one will take time to understand, pay attention or remember anymore"

    This was point number 181.

  9. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Thanks, NOW I know what to give to a certain friend for Christmas, hehehehe!