Yesterday was a very bad day. I decided I had had quite enough

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by KarenL47520, Mar 24, 2003.

  1. KarenL47520

    KarenL47520 New Member

    of everything and took an overdose. Obviously I failed otherwise I would not be typing this. I am so fed up with the pain, been hurting for years, my sister on my case, my mom and I had ugly fight yesterday. I wrecked my car on Sunday and have had to give up driving because of vision and balance problems. I have my meds for the day but John has my pain meds at work with him. He and I talked for a long time last night and he told me he thought maybe I should put some distance between myself and my family. In the beginning they were supportive and now I don't know what has changed that but they are now on my case about everything. I really don't want to die but how much more is this DD gonna take from me, how much more is it gonna do to me?? I am super depressed despite being on Prozac and Wellbutrin. I feel like I can't go on much longer this way.
  2. Echos

    Echos New Member

    I'm so glad your with us this morning. You almost chose a permanant solution to a temporary problem. That's not the way to go about it my friend. You have to find some type of balance in your life somewhere. Are you seeing a doctor for some type of counseling? The next time you even think about something like that, remember, you'll never know what could have been. I also suggest a change in your medication. It don't sound as if it's working well for you. Next time, come here. There are plenty of people here to comfort and support you. Please, take my suggestion and seek some type of counseling. I don't know you, but I care.

    Love,
    Echos
  3. aptsfind

    aptsfind New Member

    Sounds bad but killing yourself is not the answer. Do you have firbromylagia. Read my article: Cured myself after 12 years of suffering on the message board. I have a whole new philosophy on life that diet is at least 50% probably even more of how you feel.
  4. baby-bear

    baby-bear New Member

    What can I say? I know how you feel. Please take this advice...go get your meds changed and please, please understand all this is just temporary!!! The car can be fixed or replaced...your meds can be changed and you will get better!!! The family...well..my mom had abuse like that too and she chose to overcome it..and I mean majorly overcome it. You need space because if they are abusing you like that...that is the LAST thing you need with this DD. Just put them away...don't call them or talk to them, or have anything to do with them... if you can help it. Just live your life and be you and be happy with John. Try to be all you can be. Soak in a hot tub, garden, cook, if your to weak then rest and soak in the tub. Read a book. Get counseling!!! It really helps to talk it out. Hope this helps...and we do care on this board!!! Pammy
  5. teawah

    teawah New Member

    I am so glad you failed. I posted the other day looking for you as I knew this was going to happen. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I read your post about not being able to take it anymore. I am also there. I have NO support system. Yesterday I was told by my hb that he basically thought that I was a hypochondriac. You really do have some things to be grateful for but I know it is practically impossible to see when you are as down as you are now.

    Last night I lay in my bed not able to sleep after crying all day yesterday and thought about dying myself. The only thing I can see when I have these thoughts is my sons. How in the world could I do this to them. They are the ONLY reason that I hang on. It took me years to be able to use them as my life line. I have tried to commit suicide many times, but the one thing I have learned is that I really don't WANT to die, I just want to stop hurting. Please think about this. Do you really want to die or do you just want to stop hurting. My guess is the latter, just as it is with me.

    As life is so painful for us at times, at least we have the opportunity to see our loved ones, and share in their successes and help them through their failures. What would our children do without us to share all of the wonders of life with?

    My 17 year old son has a dream to be a rap star. Just recently, a CO. in Seattle called Universal Records, told him that they were going to make one thousand copies of his album (written and created all by him and his partner) and put them in the stores and see how they sell and if they do good then they will sign them. How Glorious for my son! How could I miss this? If I had succeeded in one of my attempts, I would not be able to be here to watch him succeed in his dream.

    My point is this. As much as I truly hate this pain and agony of everyday, MY pain and agony would by far be worse is I think about my children living a life without my being around to share in it. They are my reason to hang on.

    Please, find your reason. If you were meant to die, it would have happenned. I'll hang around just for the boys. I refuse to be that selfish as to rob them of a good life while they wonder why they couldn't be a good enough reason for me to hang around.

    YOU have also been a reason for me to come back to this board as I really want to see you make it through this. YOU CAN! I swear you can.

    AND FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO KEEP YOURSELF SAFE IF YOU CAN'T DO IT ON YOUR OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    In Love and Understanding,
    teawah (((((Karen)))))
  6. jgckeyes

    jgckeyes New Member

    I know what you mean, but I will not give into this dd either. It has already taken so much from me, I have really been having a time of it. This is the worse that I have been with it ever--I have had these bad symptons and pain all along but now they just will not go away. A never ending flare! There are so many things I want to do and no body--(being my body) to do them. I have started making myself walk just around the yard, and I have to make myself do it. I started at 5 min and now I am up to 9 min. I have started doing things around the house and the yard--just a little at a time. then rest or lay down if I have to. I too think I need to be counseled the depression is overwheming. I used to be a tom-boy, very active. Now my muscles just do not want to work. Bottom line if I am going to survive, I have to make myself do. And I must not leave out God, with out Him I can do nothing.
    LOL and prayers,
    Jenny
  7. ForeverFlaring

    ForeverFlaring New Member

    I am new here and don't know you but I want you to know you are not alone. It seems as if you have a least a support in John. I cried like a baby when I read your message and the reply from teawah. I myself have tried suicide more times than anyone who is close to me knows. I have never sought counseling for it though as I am too prideful to let anybody know what is happening. I can admit this to you as I am only a name here. Please don't think this is the way out. If you do this, you lose the battle that we are all fighting for. We fight this disease, we fight society, we fight doctors, we fight social security and insurance companies. Don't ever let this fibro win. When you don't have any more fight left in you come post here. It is obvious that many people here care about you. I will pray for you.

    Sandy
    [This Message was Edited on 03/25/2003]
  8. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    Just wanting to add my prayers & support, this is such a rough time for you. Please do check with your doctor ASAP at least about your depression meds; my sister-in-law suffers from severe depression, and it took her a while to hit upon the right combination of meds for her. That won't take care of all your problems by any means, but it's somewhere to start. Are there FM/CFS support groups in your area? Do a web search-----hopefully we here are helpful at times, but I think face-to-face contact with people who truly understand your pain & frustration could be enormously important right now!

    I'll be sending prayers your way, please let us know how you're doing, OK?

    Big Hugs,
    Pam
  9. COOKIEMONSTER

    COOKIEMONSTER New Member

    I know that this may all sound like repetitive words, but we all have had the same thoughts at one point or another. It seems to feel that everyone that you love and trust turns their back on you when you need them the most, no one believes that you are ill etc. Just recently, I'd say, about 2 weeks ago, I had the same thought of overdosing myself to get rid of my pain and the negativity that exists in my household.

    I pictured myself taking the pills, pictured myself in the hospital being pumped for pills and last pictured myself at my own funeral with my family members in tears. But I got to thinking while thinking about suicide.....do I really want to die or am I begging for attention from my family or just to be understood? I really had to dig deep into my soul and ask myself several questions.

    Well I'm here today because I listened to my inner soul and told myself that even though I feel like the tin man in the wizard of oz that needs oiling, I was still alive to enjoy my negative family, LOL, to watch my husband work in the yard and plant ME beautiful flowers, hear my dogs bark and feel their love when they see me, etc. It may not sound exciting, but this is what we need to get used to and work hard at trying to help ourselves find solutions. There is just so much more to life than we can imagine.

    So you see, we need to think about the good times when it comes to family, which most always outway the bad and think positively. We all have and will continue to have bad days, but now I can tell my family, "stay away, I'm having a bad day" and they seem to understand. That does not mean they go out of their way for me, it just means that if I blow up for whatever reason, they understand and now I understand. Now I can say to them or anyone else when I'm at my worst, "Hey, you want to exchange bodies for the day?"

    Listen to the advise of everyone on this board. See if you can find a support group for your family so they can really and truely UNDERSTAND what we are all going through.

    Keeping you in my thoughts! :)
  10. ohmyaching

    ohmyaching New Member

    It sounds to me like you need to find a doctor willing to help you with some of your problems. Sounds like your meds aren't working and may need adjusting or replacing. It also sounds as if you need a counselor who you can tell your troubles to. Maybe that will help to lessen the burden you've been placing on your family having to help you deal with your problems. There is a grieving process to this illness that a counselor can help you with. Sometimes you need to grieve what has been lost and accept it before you can move on to finding ways to feel better. Sometimes just having someone else there willing to support you and work with you can help a lot. A good counselor can help you do this and I urge you to keep looking until you find one. It may take some looking. Perhaps there is a local support group near you for your illness. They can help support you also. People here might even be able to tell you if there is. I will tell you this. Most treatments for this illness take time to work. Sometimes a short time, sometimes a long time and I urge you to have patience. With many treatments for this illness you feel worse before you feel better. It is your body detoxifying and fighting of the effects of this illness which is a good thing. I doubt that you have tried everything. Most people here who have experienced improvement will tell you that it took time and trial for them to find things that worked. Please feel free to come here and share your problems with the group. We will offer what support we can. I do urge you to find a counselor, an actual person to talk to, because there is just so much support that you can give over the internet. I'm so sorry you've been feeling depressed. When you have a disease like this it can really get to you. People here occasionally report cures, but there doesn't seem to be anything readily accepted by all. None the less there are plenty of options to help you feel better. Many people here have felt like you, but by going through the hard work of finding what works for them they were able to go back to work(maybe at a reduced schedule) and regain some of what they lost. I hope this helps.
  11. julie4

    julie4 New Member

    Dear Karen

    Now I've started replying I'm not sure what it is I want to say other than my heart goes out to you and I'm thinking of you thousands of miles away but I'm very close really cos I have had similar thoughts to you and given up hope many times but like teawah says my child stopped me and also the world is a besautiful place depsite this $$$ war! People cn be so kind, just the lady on Sunday who helped me with my shopping to the car, the chap this morning himself disabled who said kind things about the wait for my husband's heart op, and the cute spaniel dog who yapped at me yesterday. Yeh, all this sounds corny but with this FMS we have to divide up our day into tiny bits just to get through. Don't try and think about THE future just about the next so many mnutes till you can have nice drink or a bath or watch a fave programme an so on and get through your day that way.

    I am really thinking of you KAren
    JULIE from the UK

  12. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    when I wake up, practically paralyzed with pain from being in the same position and my med's have worn off, I think of suicide. I would never do it, because I love my husband too much to do that to him. So I wake up and reach for the pain med's and slowly make it downstairs to the waiting coffee. I'ts been 3 years since I was rear-ended...and then 6 weeks later miscarriend our only child. 3 years of non-stop pain and exhaustion, despite med's, etc... Looking back, I really don't know how I've done it. Yesterday I missed my doc appt. due to pain, exhaustion and an IBS attack so severe, I was blacking out from the intestinal pain while in the bathroom. My knuckles hurt severely, as do my joints. I slept 2 hours yesterday afternoon, and feel no better today...how do we do it???? All I can say is, thank God I did not give up on trying one anti-depressant after another, even though the process was tortureous...SEVERE side-effects within 2-3 days several horrible tries. But, finally, I am not depressed. I got on the right medication. I don't feel sorry for myself...don't begrudge my friends and family who never call..never show me any emotional or physical support...everyone is too busy with their own lives...please do not give up...we care, I CARE. You are not alone! There is a lot of medical research being done...we will get better...we MUST get better!
    Check my profile...join my Group if you'd like to chat!
    With Love,
    Blondieangel
  13. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    Thank Goodness you weren't successful. Please do not ever let yourself get to this point of despair again, without reaching out for help. Your husband sounds wonderful, you must be honest with your feelings with him, so that he can make sure you are not on the edge. I think his suggestion about distancing yourself from your family while there is so much tension is a good one. You may want to check into a facility where you will be safe, and also they can work on finding a med or combinations that will ease this depression. Another advantage is the intensive counseling that you can undergo at such a place. Depression is a continual struggle with those in chronic pain--but there are tools which can be employed.
    Please, if you can take the steps yourself, address this right away with med changes, and therapy. If you are feeling to exhausted and hopeless, ask your husband to take the initiative to arrange for this care.
    I have been in the same boat, not long ago, and thanks to my husband, and doctor, I am feeling better. Please take some action, or reach out to those who can. You are very precious in your loved ones eyes and here, too!---and although I know we are robbed of so much in life now--there still is beauty and joy that can be found in our lives.
    Karen, you are in my prayers.
    Best wishes,
    LL
  14. jka

    jka New Member

    i know what you mean about being at the end of your rope.i've had lupus for 16 yrs. and fibro for6-7 yrs.when i was first diagnosed with lupus i was in so much pain one night i almost over did it on pain meds.i feel asleep in the chair before i to far. i really scared myself that time. another time i had a migrane so bad i thought if i could just crawl to the kitchen, i could cut my head off and it would not hurt any more. but i didn't want my 4 yr. old to find me like that.until about 6 mothes ago i was being to wonder if life was worth with all the pain and other this wrong with me because of the fibro.about that time-thank God-my internest sent me to a new rhumy who specialiszes in fibro. he really has saved me!maybe your famliy doesn't know how to deal with your illness.john maybe right-push yourself away from them for now.you need to take care of yourself. make that your #1priority.it sounds like you have someone in your life who cares-john.it isn't always easy dealing with the pain and the big changes in your life.i found keeping a journal and reading and learning every thing i can helps.knowing more about my illnesses gives me more power over them.

    we are all here for you and thinking of you-you are not alone with this!
    kathy c
  15. bejo

    bejo New Member

    I've read all the replys to your post and can't add anything.I just wanted to add my name to the list of people who will be here for you.We all really care about you.I've had those same thought in my head at times.But when I found this site it has been a lifesaver to me.It's a place to come where everybody cares about everybody else.((((((((hugs)))))))) for you. bejo
  16. Notonline

    Notonline New Member

    ...and by all means try to distance yourself from the family some..I think John is right-on in that respect. If I hadn't of distanced myself from some of mine years ago, I would of been eating gruel with a strait jacket on a long time ago. The thought of ever having a "Walton" Christmas makes me cringe in fear. That's just how it goes some times I guess.
    Find a good doctor who will listen to you...and remember sometimes meds that are meant to help you feel better will have the opposite affect and make you even more depressed or stressed out. And sometimes it will take awhile before you have a reaction (good or bad). Everybody has different chemistry, and it's sometimes tough to find the right pills to help...for example, Paxil for one will be a godsend, Paxil when given to my hubby...is a very scary thing indeed. Search Google or another search engine for the side affects of the meds you're taking, make sure that some of what you're feeling isn't a result of that, you could need them changed. You're in my prayers
  17. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    Karen, we have all been there, every single one of us and we do understand.

    Please can I call you and just visit via telephone?

    I have a calling card I use and it costs me hardly anything, I think I have about 400 mins on it right now so I would be happy to spend all that time helping you to find a diversion for your time, I find that very helpful, it just saved me a few mo ago to throw myself into redecorating our bedroom, bathroom, playing as if I am Martha Stewart. It gives me something I can look forward to every day and has been incredibly inexpensive as I have been frequenting flea markets, junk shops, etc and refinishing things myself, painting, whatever it takes to fix up these treasures.

    It may not be the same need that you and I have re: the decor thing but there has to be something you can do for some feelings of self worth.

    I would love to talk to you and just listen to you, might help things.

    You can email to me your phone # and let me know what time zone you are in and I will call.

    onthegreen@owt.com

    Jaci
  18. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    I feel like killing myself all the time. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that my 3 little girls would be devastated. Their father is an insane creep, and they would have to go live with him.

    I don't have anything to add to what has been said above, but please keep coming to post here.

    Hippo
  19. OHELPME

    OHELPME New Member

    Karen,
    I TO CAN ONLY ADD THAT I'M SO GLAD YOUR STILL HERE WITH US,I'M PRETTY NEW HERE BUT FEEL LIKE I'M PART A BIG FAT GREEK FAMILY!!WHICH MEANS YOU ARE TOO!!AS MUCH OF US HAVE ADMITTED WE TO HAVE EITHER WANTED TO OR HAVE TRIED TO END THIS PAIN WE ALL SUFFER EVERY DAY.I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR SISTER WAS ON YOUR CASE ?IVE GOT ONE WHO IS ALWAYS ON MINE ABOUT HOW I CAN CURE MYSELF THAT MY PAIN IS ALL IN MY HEAD THAT I DON'T NEED MEDS ECTS,IVE LEARNED THATS WHO SHE IS, AND YES WHEN SHE DOES GET TO ME I JUST HANG UP ON HER, ANYWAY SWEETIE I DO HOPE YOU GO TO THE DR. CHANGE YOUR MEDS.HAVE YOU TRIED ZOLFT? MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU TAKE CARE.PLEASE WRITE BACK TO LET US KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING THANKS.STASHA

    SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO PUT THAT FACE I CLICKED THE WRONG ONE ,THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IV'E DONE THIS SORRY.[This Message was Edited on 03/25/2003]
  20. OHELPME

    OHELPME New Member

    THIS IS IT!!!!HAVE A GREAT DAY (((())))