alone

[jsmarie]

That is how I feel this moment. I spent time with my mom today. (Mom has PD, Depression, anxiety disorder). We went to hair appointments together. Then my father in law, my husband and our baby joined us for lunch. After, our baby and I went to my parents house so that I could give her a bath. The day was going well up until then. While there I felt myself becoming increasingly aggrivated by her comments. I've been trying to get help for my parents because I'm not doing well emotionally. She doesn't want anyone elses help and said between all of her other comments, "Why would I want anyone else to bathe me?" I responded surprising myself, "Why would I want to bathe you?" Her tears and comments on how hurt she was went from there and I couldn't take it so I ended up arguing with her. She got her bath but I left upset and angry and what good was my help as she was upset too.

This all sounds simple but doesn't feel simple. Actually rereading this it sounds silly butI'm tired and not feeling right. I feel like no one understands and I feel angry and frustrated. I don't have any money to help them so any help they get has to come from them as in getting support other than my help. I spent lots of time applying for IHSS and other aide and they didn't qualify. I've spent lots of time looking for help and there is no understanding that I can't do it. I need to work, I need to spend time with my baby and husband, I need to feel like I can breathe and I need the understanding that I can be there without being there. I need to feel the love of just being loved as a daughter not for what someone expects from me or wants me to do. That's not happening. There are things that I just can't take. Maybe some people can but I can't and not having money, energy or time should say enough but it doesn't, not even for me. And I'm sick of relatives that call from 3000miles away to give advise or comments that are unwelcomed.

 

[TwoCatDoctors]

Marie, I remember you from the Depression Board. I put up some articles on this Caregivers site that I wish you would read. There is emphasis that you MUST take care of yourself otherwise you risk burnout. I suspect you are at burnout because there is so much happening already in your life and you have not been allowed to really grieve over the loss of your baby.

Part of the one cargiver article states:

"Step 4
Take advantage of community resources such as Meals on Wheels and adult day care programs. These resources are available so that you don't have to do everything yourself'and to give you a break. You can also see if there are caregiver classes and workshops offered in your community by calling FCA or your local Caregiver Resource Center or Area Agency on Aging. These education programs will help you feel more confident and make the time you spend caregiving easier for both you and your loved one. "

Marie, I would like you to speak with the Area Agency on Aging and explain you cannot continue to take care of your Mom as you are at burnout and have not been able to grieve for the baby you lost. You can also call your City/town and ask to speak with the Community Resources and explain the situation and that you need a social worker out to your parents to evaluate and arrange for help for your Mom because you will have to withdraw your help because you mentally and physically cannot do it any more. Your parents will either be forced to accept outside help or your Mom will eventually end up in a nursing home. Remember that it will not be your fault if your Mom ends up in a nursing home.

There are times when despite everything, you cannot do it all, you cannot be the Super Woman and "pull the rabbit out of the hat" and you have to let go and get social workers in to do what they have to do. You cannot let your Mom dictate that you will be the only person that takes care of her and that places an unnecessary burden on you. If your parents have sufficient money so that they are at financial levels above public programs, and they are unwilling to spend that money for caregiver aides, then you let them be and call a social worker and explain you have withdrawn your help and ask the social worker to check on them periodically. Eventually when it reaches a certain level a social worker can step in to take over and make required changes to get your Mom help.

But for now you need to give yourself some therapy, some time, some rest and time to grieve. When long-distance relatives call to give unsolicited advise and comments, stop them in mid sentence and explain that you are not accepting advise. Step up and stop those people from doing that to you as you don't deserve that.

Marie, when I became permanently mobility disabled, my mom had been struggling with something (had refused to get medical help), but she truly changed and was so violent. I had to get agencies out and they said she had violent dementia (and apparently with some paranoia) and they said she could no longer live with me. Because I was disabled and the threat she represented to me, I could not take care of her and agencies had to step in to get her out of my home. I saw it slowly coming for years and even talked to her doctor, but mom refused all medical evaluations. It was all a difficult time for me and hard to talk about.

I wish you the best and hope you can stand strong to force your Mom to accept help from others--it's necessary. Step back and give yourself this time to recover.

Many, many hugs.

[This Message was Edited on 05/25/2009]

 

[jsmarie]

Thank you for all of the information, support and reasurring statements. I need to not feel at fault or guilty. Someone is coming to help my parents starting this Friday. I told my mom if she didn't let them come twice a week that I can't help either because it's too hard for me. I hope that it will work. The lady is the mother of an old friend. Thanks again for the social service help information and your reply.

Hugs returned gratefully.

 

[TwoCatDoctors]

Marie, I am so very proud of you and so glad you are getting someone else to come in and also help with your parents. You are definitely doing the right things. And sometimes our parents can act like children, so you have to stand your ground and do the right thing. Many hugs.

 

[jsmarie]

Thanks. I hope that you had a good weekend.

 

[jsmarie]

The lady that has been helping my mom is great. Both of my parents have been in a better mood. My mom had been taking her larazepan which also helped but recently she stopped. Her anxiety is up but not as bad as before. Unfortunately, the lady is moving in August so we'll have to find someone new. Just wanted to post an update. Thanks again Twocats.

 

[TwoCatDoctors]

On one hand I was so pleased to know that your parents are doing better and that made me happy. Then I read the lady that was helping you is moving in August and my heart just sunk. I am so sorry to learn you're losing your help with your parents and I'm really praying that you're going to find a great replacement right away. Please don't give up hope and continue hunting as sometimes it can be at the final moment that you find the person you are looking for. Many hugs.

 

[jsmarie]

Thank you.

 

[mustanglovrsue]

its one thing to bathe and diaper your child, but to bathe and diaper your parent is creepy no matter how you view it, it just is! we do it, we feel guilt, but its not your 'job' to help, your helping out of love, but the older they get, the less they seem to understand that we are not their personal slaves, careing for a child is way different.
but you need to be mother to your kid, not mother of your mother. take care of you or you cant take care of anybody..
we have kids, we raise them until they are 18, they go out on their own. i dont remember making any contracts with my son that he MUST care for me when im older.its nice for family to help, but if its too much, its too much...

 

[jsmarie]

Thank you.