Hello All,
Thank you so much for your help. I hope everyone is having the best day possible.
My mom is having hip surgery this December. She lives in a neighboring state. She really wants me to come up there and cheer her up, and so does my dad. They know I have fibromyalgia and many other health ailments. They vacillate greatly between offering me support and then wanting to provide support to them that is completely unrealistic.
Not being able to help is not the same as being unwilling. It angers me that they are asking me to help when I simply can't because I want to help and would if I could. I tears me apart emotionally and I feel guilty even though I did nothing wrong. I have been chronically ill for at least ten years. How can they not understand this? In fact, me going up there would put my mom's care in further jeopardy because I would need assistance.
My husband won a trip to Hawaii from work and I am going with him, but he will be going to many lengths to help me, and I will be spending much of the time resting on a beach or in a hotel room. My parents can't discern this. When I sound good on the telephone (I don't call when I'm exhausted because I don't want to depress them), they say, "oh, you're fine, come up here". I set as many boundaries as I can and explain endlessly my situation to them. It's brushed aside or listened to at that moment and the next phone call, it's back to the same thing "come up here". My dad is very hyper, anxious and screams a lot. This aggravates my health. Obviously, I know I won't visit. However, I'm very angry/upset that they don't listen, try to continually tug at my heart because they know I love them, try to continually put excessive guilt on me, and urge me to visit. They've also said they would come visit me at different times and have backed out. Of course this is fine for them. Other times they can be so sweet and supportive. The contrast between the two behaviors is unbelievable!
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can handle the situation any better, let go of anger, feel okay with me so that I can make peace with them and myself and move on? My mom had hip replacement surgery on the other hip last year and I called, offered support, sent cards and flowers. I offered and always do the best, loving support I can while dealing with so much chronic illness that I never asked to have. Being maligned as someone who isn't quite good enough or offering enough and for them to not allow me to not take care of me is not right either. This is not a fun situation to be in and I know I'm a loving caring daughter who has done nothing wrong. Thank you all so much again for your advice.
Warmly,
Erika
Thank you so much for your help. I hope everyone is having the best day possible.
My mom is having hip surgery this December. She lives in a neighboring state. She really wants me to come up there and cheer her up, and so does my dad. They know I have fibromyalgia and many other health ailments. They vacillate greatly between offering me support and then wanting to provide support to them that is completely unrealistic.
Not being able to help is not the same as being unwilling. It angers me that they are asking me to help when I simply can't because I want to help and would if I could. I tears me apart emotionally and I feel guilty even though I did nothing wrong. I have been chronically ill for at least ten years. How can they not understand this? In fact, me going up there would put my mom's care in further jeopardy because I would need assistance.
My husband won a trip to Hawaii from work and I am going with him, but he will be going to many lengths to help me, and I will be spending much of the time resting on a beach or in a hotel room. My parents can't discern this. When I sound good on the telephone (I don't call when I'm exhausted because I don't want to depress them), they say, "oh, you're fine, come up here". I set as many boundaries as I can and explain endlessly my situation to them. It's brushed aside or listened to at that moment and the next phone call, it's back to the same thing "come up here". My dad is very hyper, anxious and screams a lot. This aggravates my health. Obviously, I know I won't visit. However, I'm very angry/upset that they don't listen, try to continually tug at my heart because they know I love them, try to continually put excessive guilt on me, and urge me to visit. They've also said they would come visit me at different times and have backed out. Of course this is fine for them. Other times they can be so sweet and supportive. The contrast between the two behaviors is unbelievable!
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can handle the situation any better, let go of anger, feel okay with me so that I can make peace with them and myself and move on? My mom had hip replacement surgery on the other hip last year and I called, offered support, sent cards and flowers. I offered and always do the best, loving support I can while dealing with so much chronic illness that I never asked to have. Being maligned as someone who isn't quite good enough or offering enough and for them to not allow me to not take care of me is not right either. This is not a fun situation to be in and I know I'm a loving caring daughter who has done nothing wrong. Thank you all so much again for your advice.
Warmly,
Erika