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Funny News Headlines

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Spaghetti is my top fave entree in the whole world. I used to make a big pot of it and eat it three times a day all week. Now a big pot once a day all week. I have to share it with hubby and son. Luckily, me and hub both love leftovers. Two days in a row is enough for son, not all week.

Rock, if I'm remembering right, you've never had coffee, right?

Gosh, when I look at the stories behind the funny headlines, they're actually sad.
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Well-Known Member
Hi Folks

Patti, do you make your spaghetti in one of those new instapots? From all the ads and discussion I got the impression one can use them to cook anything that fits in the pot.

No, I don't drink coffee. Why in the world would you remember that? My mother drank enough for an entire family.

I think the pages with real signs and church bulletins are the funniest on the Board.
I agree about funny headlines that sometimes lead to tragic headlines.



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Except for the crockpot, every gadget of the many I've ever bought got used once or twice then sits idle for years on end.

The reason it has stuck in my memory that you don't drink coffee is because I thought you said you've never even tasted coffee or had a cup, and I'm a coffee lover, always sipping on it 24/7/365.

Is it true you've never even tasted coffee?



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I must have tasted it if I know I don't like it. Have no objection to the aroma though.
I never felt the need to drink coffee in the morning to Wake Up. If everyone were like me,
we'd have no Starbucks. Also no wars, no drug addicts, no bank robbers, no singers, no
race car drivers....well, you get the idea.

Have you ever tried to quit the coffee habit? My mother tried several times. Never could
go longer than 2 or 3 days. Idon't know why she felt she should. Newspaper articles maybe.

Gordon and I just got back from the library. I think we took 6 back and picked up ll. A
couple are about dogs.

Woof! Rock


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I always say if it had been up to me to invent anything, we'd still be living in caves.

I didn't drink coffee til I was 38 years old. Don't remember ever having a cup of coffee before then. Been drinking it ever since. Cut down to two cups a day for about a year, then back on it ever after. Quitting heavy coffee drinking cold turkey gives you a headache and such malaise weakness from the withdrawal.

One of my good memories about getting to stay overnight with Grandma and Grandpa is that for breakfast Grandma would give me a cup of coffee with mostly milk in it, and Italian bread toast with real butter and jam. I love dunking my jelly toast in coffee to this day.

Just last month I found out my library can lend me books to read on my computer which is the only way for me to comfortably read, reclining in my bed. I used to go to library and come home with armloads of books - me, hubby, and two step-kids carrying armloads of books for me to read. Those were the days. Now I'm too weak to hold up a book to read. Love reading online, read every waking moment online - surfing the 'net.

I'm glued to the online news. New articles come in all day long. I scour the news like Gomez Addams scoured his ticker tape machine on the t.v. sit-com The Addams Family.

I keep so upset at the news, though. I wish I didn't read it.

I went to a strict pentecostal church for ten years in my 30's, and didn't believe in watching T.V. or reading secular news or magazines or listening to secular music. Me and son would read all the day long, even had little book stands at table to read while we ate. I was better off. I go whole-hog on the news, but I have nothing else to do every waking moment I'm stuck here in bed. I tried deleting all my online news sites, but got too bored so that only lasted a couple of days.

Happy reading to you and Gordon.

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I thought this was pretty cute...

While on routine patrol along Nocatee Parkway, Deputy L. Fontenot conducted a traffic stop on a "Florida Native" for Impeding Traffic flow. At the time of the stop, the suspect identified as "Gopherus Genus" (exact age unknown), failed to clear the roadway when ordered to do so, opting to continue his current activity of walking along the parkway. The deputy quickly detained Gopherus and after a heartfelt conversation regarding this risky behavior was “released on his own recognizance” in some nearby woods. Deputy Fontenot stated, "Gopherus was cooperative during the remainder of my encounter with him, so I chose to use discretion and let him go with a warning. In fact, our interaction was so positive, we posed for a selfie together!"


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Hi Kids

Here are some quotes from insurance form filled out by policy holders. I used to save funny stuff from
the office, but over the years and many, many moves (22 I think) most of the priceless stuff has disappeared.

Well, I can't post the URL here, but you can try this.

Search for The Old Farmer's Almanac. Go to the one that says Funny Car Accident Reports. Click on the
top one that says, "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road."

Happy Hunting.



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Here is the article, Rock. Hilarious!

Accidental Reporting! Here are true quotes from hapless policyholders—plus some more humor for the day!
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
  • The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.


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Hi Patti

Thanks for posting the above. I did have 2 or 3 cases over the years where our policyholder claimed he did not
rear end the car in front of him. It was the car in front that backed into an intersection...while stopped
for a red light. We paid those claims even though the insured didn't want us to.

Here's some miscellaneous humor. One of the problems with the real world: No background music.
Phone Message: Please leave a beep at the message. Computer slang: ISDN It still does nothing.
News item: The stolen painting was found by a tree.

Happy Trails
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Well-Known Member
That scenario actually sounds possible to me. Such as when a semi is making a turn too close to your front end at a red light and you have to back up to let him get by - you can forget to check if anyone's behind you before backing up.

You could back up for any number of reasons, such as you just missed making a right turn into a parking lot that's right before the red light and wanted to back up to turn into it.

Hey, do you think I'd make a good defense lawyer? LOL.



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Hi Patti, I responded to your post earlier today, but put it on the wrong page. This new format is very
confusiatin' for me. Yes, I think your examples above are excellent, and I have no doubt you would have
made a fine atty. I posted some atty jokes, but when I tried to move my post the whole thing vanished.
Very discouraging. Here are two jokes I remember.

What did the attorney name the kids? Answer: Bill and Sue.

What's the difference between a heard of buffalo and an attorney. Answer: The attorney charges more.

We had the plumber here today. I spent almost the entire day in bed; reading or sleeping. At least the
pipes are working. Who knows for how long. This house is 90 years old. Dunno when the pipes were
put in. At some point an addition was made t o the house so I think the pipes are of different ages.

Noel Coward said the greatest achievement of the 20th century was modern plumbing. The plumbing
industry gave him an award.

Hugs, Rock