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husband is thinking about divorce

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barbo36

New Member
Hi everyone I have been struggling to except this fibro diagnoses as some of you know. Mainley because of all the muscle twitching and my stupid searching of symptoms . I have never had a emg and so I am still afraid even though I have so many other symptoms that fit the fibro dx much better than other things. Anyways through the last 10 months I have gained 40 pounds and of course I am tired alot and really just not the same person I was. My husband informed me today that he is sick of all of this and that I am just lazy and fat . He doesnt believe in fibro at all. He said that he is only 40 and he has alot of life left to live.He is deciding if he is going to stay in the marriage or not.I feel like this dx has ruined my life. I went from being extremly active and attractive to tired alot and overweight and now my husband wants to leave. I am constantly worried I have something else besides fibro and my family is breaking apart. I have been married 18 years and have 4 kids.Has anyone gone through this ? How do you deal with all of this. I try to be the old me but Iam not.I usually have to lay down for about an hour in the afternoon because I am so achey and tired wich he hates.The weight gain came because I eat when I am upset or worried. I have started to watch what I eat and exersize as much as I can right now but it isnt helping with the weight. I feel like I have let everyone down including my husband. What should I do? Any suggestions.I am only 36 too young for this like alot of you I just wish I was excepted for me not who I was but who I am
 

loriRn

New Member
barbo36, I am so sorry. I have not been through this,so I can't say I've been there. But I can tell you that I care and wish you did'nt have to .
I know it's easy to blame FMS, but many people become ill with diffefent diseases in the course of a lifetime. What if you had cancer, would your husband say he is tired of all this?In sickness and in health. Would he be aggreable to counciling? I think you both would benifit from this. Most councilors belive FMS is real, and they give you both tools to cope.
Mainly, I wanted you to know someone cares, and I will pray for you and your husband. God Bless, Lori.
 

rdthewave

New Member
Ok...........let me see if I got this straight so far. You have an illness which your husband does not validate......so in his eyes you are a liar, just faking it for some odd reason? He calls you lazy and fat. Then I heard you say that you are letting him down? I think you've got it turned around. He is letting you down. At the time you need his support the most..........he is not there for you. Can you imagine if your husband got sick and you called him lazy and fat? How come I think that wouldn't be the case?

You are not letting anyone down.

I am sorry you are not being supported right now. Just remember you have done nothing wrong.

Sending caring thoughts,

Tammy
 

victoria

New Member
and I agree also with the first person who suggested counseling; if your husband won't go, then you should go for yourself at least.

It is really helpful to be in an atmosphere where you are safe... If you belong to a church, you might consider talking with the pastor as well.

also-- altho I know you said you don't have a diagnosis yet-- it might be helpful if your doctor could talk with your husband as well...

Altho it sounds like you haven't really been seeing a doctor? I did this at first, took me a long time to get to the point of realizing it wasn't going to "just go away" -- I guess it's called denial -- at least for me it was. I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did.

So, if you haven't been seen by anyone yet who can come up with a diagnosis/help, you need to get busy and get a referral to a "good doctor" in your area and get a diagnosis --

there's a list here, and if you don't find anyone close, you could ask others on the board here --and/or find a support group in your area (also a list on the board), it's a GREAT way to find out who are the good doctors.

When your husband sees you doing something proactive about it and has a doctor telling him there really is something wrong with you, it might turn things around.

But regardless of what happens with him, you need to especially do this for yourself and for your kids.

I hope this helps some. I know it isn't easy without support-- I hope you find some locally soon, and we're always here for you too.

all the best,
Victoria
 

rose1980

New Member
TO Hear of the pain your going through. i was married for 25 years and just recently divorced and i do blame most of it on the disease, but then i also had to realize that if they wont at least go to drs.. read information, and sit and talk to you without making you feel your the worlds worst wife and or mom then that took it after a while to a level of abuse for me. Especially when i started counseling. The stress from the remarks alone dont help the fibro at all, and or any other illness you may be dealing with. Im in no way condoning divorce, for Id of given anything on Gods earth if my marriage would of survived. I love and still love my ex. but the cruel remarks were breaking my ammune system down even further.
I will be praying for you. if you wish you can also email me at (email address removed). More than happy to lean a listening ear and heart.
Love and gentle hugs
rosie
 

opalgem

New Member
You are not letting anyone down. Please get this thought out of your mind. If anyone is letting anyone down it is your husband. He is not only letting you down, but also his children.

You have been a devoted wife for 18 years. This man needs a reality check! People we love get sick all of the time. If everyone walked out of a marraige because their partner got sick, there would be very few that survived.

My husband was in a similar situation with his first marriage. When he was Dx'd with MS she chose to walk. She did this in the most cruel way you can imagine. They never had a good marriage anyway, so the Dx was a good excuse for her to bail out. Being a Christian he sought to keep the marriage together , but was not happy for years. His children were his reason to hold on.

He is my sole mate and I tell him , her loss is my gain. I will never, however understand how someone could love someone enough to marry them and have children yet turn their back when they are needed most.

You hang in there Honey, but most of all don't blame yourself. You are doing your part in this marriage. He is the one who is too weak to face the challanges. God Bless
 

tilla

New Member
I have/had the same problem with my husband, although he did not threaten divorce, but he did threaten that something had to change. It is really hurtful to be feeling so bad about yourself and then someone else saying what you are feeling but then saying you are lazy and that it is not really that bad. What helped for me was I printed out the "Letter to Normals" from this website and gave him a copy to read. I wanted him to read it when I gave it to him but he said he would read it later. I told him at the time, you will think I wrote the letter, but believe me I did not. The next day he said to me"that letter you gave me was very good. I really did think you had written it. It really has helped him to understand what I am going through and now he seems to be so much more considerate on how I am feeling and does not give me the "look" when I am taking a rest. It is hard and you really do need someone that is understanding to be living with you. Hopefully, the letter will help you. Please keep us posted.

Tilla
 

caj

New Member
I think that your husband is a real jerk. If it wasn't for the fact that you need him to help you with the kids, I would tell him to hit the road!! And the sooner the better. What is he thinking? When he took those marriage vows he said "for better or for worse". This may be worse, but for him to walk out on you at a time like this is unspeakable.

I am sorry if I sound so harsh but, as for me, no man is going to call me fat (and yes I have gained 50 lbs. with this illness) and get away with it. I am happily married for 22 years but, believe me when I say that, if my husband ever called me a name he would be out the door. No name calling in my house.

Sorry for no words of encouragement. Gentle Hugs to You, caj PS I am praying for you and your children. May God help you through this.
 

JLH

New Member
sounds like a jerk, to put it bluntly. Evidently he doesn't take his marriage vows very seriously -- for better or worse ... in sickness and in health ....

Or .. he may be going thru a mid-life crisis. It is too much work, or effort, for him to try to make it work during your newly diagnosed illness. This is a shame after 18 years and 4 children. He must not value his relationship with his children, because a divorce will crush them.

Try to talk him into some counseling. You both need to go together. Maybe once you start feeling better about your future with him, you won't eat out of depression and you can lose some of the extra pounds you put on.

You need to also return to your primary care physician and talk to him about getting on an antidepressant. It will help you tremendously.

The diagnosis of fibro is not a death sentence. You WILL feel like crap everyday, but there are things that can make you feel better. Get with your doctor, get on the right meds to help you, get up and get moving every day and you will feel better. Even though you feel like crap every day, life does go on, and you have to go on along with it. If you have the right med to help you sleep well at night, then you might not need to nap in the afternoon. I never nap in the afternoon, but I do have to get my work done in spurts -- I work 15-20 minutes and then rest 15 min. I can't stand on my feet longer than 15-20 min. because of a severe back problem that I have. In addition to the fibro, I also have heart problems, Lupus, arthritis, many back problems, diabetes, a broken foot since last August that won't heal, and the list goes on. I have to talk myself out of a slump when I get in one, and you will have to, too.

Even though you may have gained 40 lbs., don't let him tell you that you're still not attractive, because you are. You are still the same person that he married. He needs to straighten his act up, be a man, and accept that you have a medical problem. If he would show some compassion, it wouldn't kill him. However, most men don't and I really think most don't really care if their wife is sick until it affects them--they don't get their supper at night, their laundry isn't done, etc. If they get sick, it's another story.

I don't know what the answer to your problem is, but I certainly hope he will try to work thru this with you, for your sake as well as the children's. It's always the children who get hurt the most in these situations.

I hope he will get some counseling with you, and I pray that he will come to the decision that is right for both of you.

 

rosemarie

Member
And I hope that your husband grows up and learns to understand that just because he doesnot believe does not make it so. My husband told me that he wanted a divorce last feb. and we seperated for 9 months . then I got sick woth phenumonia and we finally talked and went through counsleong and are back together . He has to work on understand ing how I feel everyday . Try and see if he will talk with someone that the both of you resepct the a church pastor , or counsler . Have him go to a doctors appt with you . And if he can't cope with what you have get a lawyer and see if they wil take your case po bono ( free). And when you have talked to a lawyer find out how much your state recomends in dollars for child support and for alimony .Because when you go to court for this and the judge asks you why don't you work and your lawyer presents your medical history with the fibro as a diabiliiity and you are not able to work. Idon't mean to be harsh but if divorce is what he wants find agood lawyer and they wil help you to be able to support yourself and , he will have to pay alimony and at least $200.00 amonth for for each child , and at least another $800.00-$1,000 in alimony. but that was what I was quoted . Good luck and god bless rosemarie
 

natrlvr2

New Member
I was in the middle of my fight for SSI/SSDI.I had no job,no income and then he divorced me.He tried taking my son away from me(he did not win sole custody).This disease did ruin my marriage.
 

PVLady

New Member
if us women would have abandoned our husbands if they came down with FMS? I would guess if the shoe was on the other foot, that would be the last thing we would be considering.

I would not dream of leaving my husband if he was sick, especially if I was healthy and had 4 kids to consider.

Then, for some reason, the women wind up thinking it is all their fault and the illness ruined their lives.

Life brings all sorts of challenges. When you get married, then have kids, life changes. Where is the committment to the original marriage vows?

I believe life has a way of showing people the error of their ways. If your husband does leave you, trust me, you will survive, and possibly (believe it or not) do better without him.

But he may find himself sick one day and have no one to turn to.

Barbo36 - what are you doing for your condition as respects to meds? I was so bad several months ago before coming here. I started some meds that made a big difference.

I am sure taking care of 4 kids is exhausting in itself.

Take care




 

Lumare41

New Member
When I was first diagnosed my husband didn't understand and accused me of using fibro as a crutch.I tried to do everything I nornally did and got really sick.I finally started taking him to all my appts.and he started to understand.Now he is my biggest supporter.
You did marry for better or worse and if he refuses to go to dr. appts. with you or read information about fibro,or go to counseling then I agree he's a jerk.You don't need the stress of verbal abuse on top of everything else.I have gained considerable weight after 4 kids myself and the day my husband calls me fat will be the day he talks an octave higher.
The only person letting anybody down here is your husband.
Go easy on the exercise you don't want to overdo it.Find a Dr. and make your husband go with you.Do you have a friend or a family member who you can talk to?Having support is a major factor living with this disease.
I will be Praying for you.Keep us posted you have a lot of friends here.
Love Luann
 

barbo36

New Member
I just wanted to thankyou all so much for your insite and advice.I really apreciate that you guys took the time to reply to me and the replys were all so caring. I also want to thankyou all for the prayers I think the more prayers the better and I need them. I dont have any news as of yet but when I do believe me I will post. This board is full of people who are now my friends.Thankyou, Barb
 

Xausted01

New Member
You said he is 40? Sounds like a mid-life crises to me. I don't think it would matter if you were pencil thin and very active. Men just go through this thing. Not that this will solve anything, but maybe you should watch the First Wives Club over and over again. In fact, make sure that he sees you watching it. I'm sure that you will relate to it, and it is always good to laugh.

My husband knows that if I pull that movie out and start watching it, that means that he better straighten his a** up!

Good luck!

Sheri
 

sunshine8957

New Member
When ever mine went on a rampage (i.e. - poor me - LOOK AT
WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH!!)

I would repeat our wedding vows - through richer and poorer
(We had to file bankruptcy because of him and his gradiose ideas of running his own business)

Through sickness and health - and I remind him that this is the "sickness" part.

Talk with your Rheumy or whoever is treating you and ask if they would sit down with you and hubby (tell doc what's going on) and explain the disease to him-mine never came but caught the hint and has been much more empathetic towards me.

You can also ask him how HE WOULD FEEL IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT"? And then tell him if he walks he has to take the 4 kids because you are not going to be able to with this illness. That ought to shoot down any grandiose ideas of dating or acting like a 20 yr. old!!

I'm not saying to give up the kids, just threaten him with it! Have you applied for SSDisability? If not, definitely put that at the top of your list of things to do.

He is one CRUEL SOB FOR TELLING YOU THAT!!! That's enough to kill the love in the relationship. Talk about kicking someone when they're down!!

You could also look into counseling and if he won't go, go by yourself. It'll help you put things into perspective.

My prayers are with you and I truely pray that your husband sees the light, like mine finally did. They're are numerous books out on this subject (when 1 is sick and the other is not)

Good luck and keep us posted!

Hugs,
Eve
 

Suekoo

New Member
I am sorry about what you are going through. I think the counseling idea is good if he will go. So many men won't.

Ask him if you should leave him when he becomes ill? I know this DD is very hard to understand. It goes back to the old point that we don't look sick.

Oh, if they could just feel our pain. This condition is so hard to live with without our loved ones wanting to bail on us!!

Best of luck to you. I hope things work out.

Blessings

Sue
 

Hippo

New Member
I think it's cruel of your husband to torment you. Reminds me of a cat playing with a mouse before it kills it. My husband did the same thing to me for years. He used to threaten to divorce me if I didn't "snap out of it" and get back to work ASAP. If you're feeling poorly and eating too much because of anxiety, you're probably going to feel worse and eat more with this hanging over your head.

My husband finally did divorce me. We had been married 20 years by then and he has to pay lifetime spousal support because of the long-term marriage (more than ten years in California). I am not proud of having to take money from him, but I can't get SSDI and this is really my only income option. We have three kids, 14, 10 and 10.

I know how terrifying this is. I actually stop eating when I get frightened, and got down to 89 pounds because Ex said he was going to tell the Judge that I could work, and I believed him! Luckily my attorney pointed out to me that the Judge doesn't give a hoot what Ex thinks, and she rules on the EVIDENCE. Luckily the evidence was overwhelming in my favor. By the time he divorced me, I had been sick for 20 years and had tons of medical documentation, and my attorney helped me get even more.

Please keep posting if you can. At the time my husband first left me, I didn't know anyone who had been through this exact situation, and I don't think there was anyone on this message board who could relate first-hand. One poster turned up about 18 months into the divorce who helped me, but I didn't have anyone to talk to at the outset who understood. I also posted on a divorce recovery message board, but nobody there had health issues, so therefore couldn't understand the abject terror of being sick and abandoned.

Hippo
 

ronnie

New Member
can u tell me more about lifetime alimony? i think that would be my only source of support at this time. we've been married 20 years, live in california. i cant get ssdi either. can u get ssi? i think i can get that if im alone. any info would be greatly appreciated. i find it hard to deal with this type of thing as my brain doesnt work well under stress.
 

Hippo

New Member
I will tell you what my lawyer told me. In California, you have the PRESUMPTION of lifetime spousal support if you are married more than ten years. "Presumption" does NOT mean that you will AUTOMATICALLY get it! You have to prove that you're either disabled or too old to go back into the work force. Luckily I was over 50 and I think that worked in my favor. I have been sick for 20 years, and some of that is documented. I have letters from doctors going back to 1987. I haven't worked full-time since 1983. The way the judges are leaning right now in California is to give you half the length of the marriage in spousal support, assuming you haven't worked. So you would get ten years of spousal support unless you can prove you are disabled. I went to a vocational evaluation, which Ex paid for, and that was a waste of time. Then I went for a rheumatological evaluation, also paid for by Ex, and the doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, but I looked like I had a psychiatric problem!!! Then my lawyer sent me to a psychiatrist, which I had to pay for, and the psychiatrist thought I was malingering. My spirits were pretty low at that point, but then I was sent to a neuro-psychologist, which I also had to pay for, and the neuro-psychologist proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is NO WAY that I am faking my illness and that I absolutely have DOCUMENTED brain damage. Ex had been threatening to take me all the way to a divorce trial, but he folded at the last minute and settled. It was just horrible, I can't find the words to describe how awful and terrifying it was. I feel I have been permanently traumatized by this experience, but I am grateful that the neuro-psychologist saved my butt. I hope I explained it well enough. If you have questions, please ask.

Hippo
 
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