just need to talk ...... | ProHealth Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS and Lyme Disease Forums

just need to talk ......

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t-jay

New Member
It's just me once again needing to ramble on and on....
I feel like I'm slipping down again.
I am really busy with all sorts of things and then trying to prepare for our trip. We leave on Monday. I usually have all these lists made. Like what to take, what needs to be done at home before going......Don't forgets....... None of the lists are made...Oh except for one. I made a list of all the drawing stuff I want to take....... sort of self centered again.
I realized that the Christmas boxes may not even come into the house this year. Was it because I didn't remind my husband enough? did I just not try hard enough? or did I just not care? I always like to think about where or when I received some of the different ornaments that we have.... it will be another year before that may happen again.... Of course after Christmas the new year will begin. The realization will again hit that a year went past in the blink of an eye and still I deal with so-so days and days in the pit. I use to have cookies made for valentines day, or Christmas goodies, or decorated cakes for birthdays. None of that happened this year. None of it! So new year will arrive and reality will hit that I'm still here still messing things up........
You'd think that I would have learned something in the Lifestyles and personal management course that the psychiatrist had me take. You'd think I'd figure it out, finally get it right.................. You'd think wouldn't you but I'm still here. Still not giving my sons much to remember of possibly their last years home.....

I so wish I could just pull it all together again and just pretend then people would get what they are wanting. things would get done. pretend that everything is perfect...... I know it doesn't work......... I use to be the master at it...you'd think I could do it again wouldn't you ...

I sit starring at the cursor as it blinks on and off. I should probably just delete this post... so that nobody would feel like they had to be nice and read it.... I think I'll leave it.... you don't have to feel like you have to say anything. I know it is long and doesn't make a whole lot of sense.........just ignore it and it will drift harmlessly to the bottom.......

I'm sorry.... thank you

teresa
 

moka

New Member
I read your post and like you I have so much to do and I didn't even do haft yet. I have always been independant, never asking for help. People depend on me a lot just like the people around you are. Feeling guilty seems a big word in both our vocabulary. We want everyone around us to be happy, feel secure and get everything they want. But the energy is gone. What we use to do so simply with a blink of an eye turned into a real chore now. Funny you just wrote a part of my life except the trip part.
If the Hollidays could just come and go fast maybe there'll be a little less stress and you will feel better. The days you're going to be with your familly in the US be sure to remember that it's your inner feelings that count, protect them. Do what you think is best for you.

Take care my friend
Love and big hugs
 

imhurtin

New Member
I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. I wish these holidays would just hurry and past by. You say that you "wish I could just pull it all together again and just pretend then people would get what they are wanting. things would get done. pretend that everything is perfect...... I know it doesn't work". I don't think that pretending that everything is all right for anybody. I guess in certain situations you may have to. But in the long run if you pretend that everything is just fine then you are just hurtin yourself by not getting help that you may need. I am not good at pretending that everything is allright. I need to try for certain situations, but it is hard.

Take care
Kathy
 

listener

New Member
Hello Teresa: I can relate to a lt of what you said. The years slip by so quickly and things I hope to accomplish, I don't get around to. Energy is a huge factor for us and we have just so much. The addition of something like your trip means something has to go or it would for me. I hope your trip is great. If it is, I predict more energy for you next year and Valentine cookies and Christmas goodies aplenty next Christmas. I assume that your family is going with you on the trip. Am I right? If so, the trip to Texas will be the highlight of your boys' Christmas and the memories will be happy ones. Ask for help from your family in getting things done. I bet they will be more than willing to help if you ask them. If you have time to say a word, I would be interested in how your session with your psychologist went after its made. I can't remember if I'm pulling for you is one of those things that you don't like to be told but I am doing my hardest pulling that your trip home will be great for you and somehow provide the spark that makes next year a wonderful year. Take care harry
 

Anna1122

New Member
I know what you mean. I use to work full time, take care of a house, a child, a hubby, buy all the gifts, wrap all the gifts and make dozens of cookies every year. Now I don't bother. Also we were a whole lot younger and had a whole lot more energy than we do now. We weren't on AD drugs that sometimes drag us down.

Stop knocking yourself, so what if you used to do those things and don't anymore. Lives change, priorities change. I haven't baked for a couple of years now, my son is grown and has kids of his own so he doesn't need cookies, hubby has tons of stuff at work that everyone brings in, I certainly don't need all those extra calories. I make a festive desert for Christmas dinner that's more than enough.

"Was it because I didn't remind my husband enough? did I just not try hard enough? or did I just not care?" Why does it always have to be coming from you, why can't your husband do it himself after one reminder? If they didn't get to the house that is his fault for not getting them, it's not your fault. You told him, he CHOSE to ignore you. I refuse to play those games with my hubby, he is a grown man. If he chooses to ignore me then so be it, if he doesn't help me it doesn't get done. I'm tired of carrying the entire load like before, I wore myself out. It's time to change the rules, nothing is written in stone.

You have a lot on your mind this year, next year you might feel more like celebrating. Don't beat yourself up about it.
 

t-jay

New Member
Thank you for your thoughts and understanding.....

Harry you asked if my whole family is going to Texas. Yes we are all going.
Will it be a good trip? that I'm not sure of and that is what I spent a lot of time talking to my psychologist about today. I also read what I had written about not being the person everybody thinks I am.
The problem with the trip is that my sister who is between the one getting married and me in age is very difficult to deal with. She gets angry and goes around slamming doors and then it seems that everybody tries to do things that won't get her upset. My psychologist said that the family has allowed her to have this control. I have troubles when she is being so illogical or is trying to tell our parents what they should do. So we talked about how to deal with her and setting emotional boundries. I have a feeling that I have probably made her to be a little more of a "monster" than she is. But my littlest sister mentioned that when they were together at Thanksgiving that she was very bitter. She and I are very much alike. Neither of us are confident or have a lot of self esteem. But while I work at putting everybody else before me, she wants to have her fair share and doesn't care who she tramples on to get it. When my littlest sister said that she was getting married my other sister said "now I'll be the only one not married". She didn't say congratulations or oh wow! instead she thought of herself!
So you can see I needed to deal with that.....

I'm not sure if I will have a good time. Right now I just want to get to January 6 when all is back to routine.

Oh, just after I talk about my sister thinking only of herself I'm going to brag...... I have been waiting for over a week to get back the 3rd unit I had turned in for my course. I was really worried about it because it was a difficult unit and I was pretty sure that I'd probably get a 75% or something in that area. On the previous two I received 85%..... so it came today in the mail..... I tore open the envelope and very carefully peeked in ........ and I couldn't believe it. He gave me 90%!!! He wrote many comments on the notes and journal entries I handed in. It was weird going from expecting the worst to getting better than I had before....
Thank you for allowing me to boast......

take care,
teresa
 

listener

New Member
Hi Teresa: Congradulations on your paper. If you aren't careful good things can happen, huh. I hope that you are able to reach the point where all you feel is joyful excitement over your trip and that the trip exceeds your expectations. Have a good day. harry
 

sneekymoneeky

New Member
It is ok that you are not the preson that once you were. I have gone nowhere this week. Spent most of my time on the computer and dealing with my 2yr old little girl. I dread the idea that someone may stop by and check up on me. I would like to just disappear, have my family forget I exist. For them I pretend, for them when I speak to them or see them I put on the smile and all is well. Holidays use to be my favorite as well and for my little girl I pretend that holidays are great and wonderful cause they should be for her. She doesnt have to know the pain they cause me, or the lonliness that fills me. This however does not mean u have to get brave and make ur cookies and cakes, nor does it mean you have to blame urself just because the decorations did not go up this year. Your husband is very capable of getting them out and up if he so desired, and depending on the ages of your children so are they. It is not your responsibility to make sure they enjoy the holidays. They are old enough to decide what makes them happy. Dont be who they want you to be. Be yourself and do what it takes to make urself happy again.
 

still_truckin

New Member
Congrats on the good feedback from your instructor! You SHOULD feel great. :)

Your middle sister probably thinks that YOUR life is 'perfect' (because you're married and have two kids) and now her younger sister's life will also be 'perfect' (because she's getting married) and she'll be the only one whose life is NOT 'perfect' (because she is NOT married yet). It's very possible she feels bad about herself and is thinking there's something wrong with HER compared to you and now, your younger sister.

Everything always looks better from the other side of the fence. :)

Of course, this doesn't justify her behaving badly...which I hope she won't do on your sister's wedding day. Perhaps you could spend some time alone with her prior to the big event and get her to talk about HER and what's going on with HER...if you're up to it, of course. I realize that may be hard to do, given how she acts out (and ends up making everyone else miserable) to get the attention she feels she otherwise wouldn't get.

Hang tight. Family gatherings are rough and you have a double whammy to contend with (Christmas plus wedding).

We'll still be here when you get back to tell us all about it!
 

t-jay

New Member
I'm glad that you are all going to be here when I get back. I think I am going to miss coming and chatting and finding encouragement.

Oh still truckin? You want to hear something stupid? You know that 90%? I've been telling some of my friends about the mark and I've been listening to that voice in my head and it is coming up with all of these reasons why the instructure didn't see something or read to much into something and that I don't really deserve it.... Stupid isn't it..... I'm trying to not listen to that little voice.

I do agree that my husband and kids could have put up decorations if they had wanted too. I really had not even thought about that. Thanks for reminding me. My boys are 16 year olds with a lot of creativity and very responsible, so yes if it was important to them they could have found a way to decorate.

thank you again for your thoughts and encouragement...

teresa
 
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