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taking care of mom, husband feeling left out

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kathyh2o

New Member
I have been taking care of my mom for 2yrs now, mom has ad.
It is affecting my relationship with my husband and I feel like I have no controll over what is happening. Or maybe I just don't have the energy to know what to do. Is anyone out there caring for a parent and living with their spouse?
 

Ger

New Member
I lost my Mother to alz 12 or so years ago and now my husband has it. It has been more than 10 years since I first noticed it with him. So I have had lots of experience. I also have some firm instructions to my family should this become my lot.

I did not recognize Alz in my Mom at all after my Mom died. I thought it was just a bit of senility. I had never been around it before. I probably would have said as do many others that I would never put a family member in a facility--but I do not say that now.

My brother, sister and I took turns with Mom for several years and then I took her to a facility. I was not happy with this arrangement and ended up determined to take care of her myself. I found it so overwhelmingly difficult and too disruptive to the family I still had at home. I was already familiar with facilities so I had my sister come up and put her in the one I considered the best (I left town for several days). I spent time there almost every day with her. I got to know and enjoy all of the patients. My family have strictest instructions that there are not to even think about caring for me at home. I did buy long term care insurance after Mom passed. This has been a life saver with my husband. So my firm wishes are to be placed in a good facility and visited often.

I know this is hard. I have done it. I placed my husband a year and a half ago. So I have been through it twice now.

I don't know your circumstances of course. But if for some reason this is not the right time or you cannot place her for some financial or other reason. Look for a day care, or find someone to come in occasionally so that you can get away and so that you can spend meaningful time with your husband. I don't think our family relationships should be sacrificed in caring for parents and others.

There are no doubt some who do not agree with me. I know many people who feel very strongly that loved ones should be cared for at home. I thought this at one time also. My situation was a bit different that some also. Our youngest daughter died from cancer 3 years ago. During the last two years of her life, I had to be free to take her to appts, be there for surgeries, etc. So I placed my husband in day care earlier that I would have, but I had to have a supervi9sed place while I was with my daughter. I think the stress of her passing contributed to my placing my husband when i did. I was emotionally and physically drained. I just could not face the incontenence and other problems my husband was having alone any more. He is in a very nice place. We visit him very often and all is well.
 

escondido123

New Member
It wasn't clear to me if she was in your home, her home or a facility. This makes all the difference in how much you can control your involvement. I will wait to hear more details on your situation. Thanks, Patricia
 

jlogan

New Member
Kathy, I moved my 71yr old father in with my wife and myself about 3months ago. Dad is doing well, has moments but responds well to me and is able to get grounded (back to reality) easily. The problem, my wife lacks my nack at dealing with the disease, definitily lacks my patience and understanding. I love them both and like you will continue to juggle the responsiblilites the best I can. After all, we know the outcome, just not the timing. I have to admit I was reading my personal journal tonight and came to the realization that it sounds so negative, I forgot to keep the good stuff in it. This caregiving role is strenuous, demanding and stressful but at the same time we have good moments and an opportunity to spend quality time with our loved ones. As for your hubby & relationship, I sent my wife on her own vacation last week. Didn't help me out but did wonders for her. All of us will get through this.
 

lizzy9292

New Member
Your immediate family needs to come first. I take care of three parents at home and only because my husband fully supports me (of course, two of the parents are his!) But, because I chose to do this at home does not make this the best choice for everyone. Every situation is different. I am fortunate and can have a nurse come in several hours a day. I have friends that put their parents in daycare. The most important thing my husband and I do is make sure we spend time together ALONE.
 

Milo83

New Member
I am sorry you are having to go through all of this...
My Mother lived with us - I have a husband, and an 18yr old son...Mom moved in with us after the death of my Dad 9yrs ago... (SO MY SON WAS ONLY 9YRS OLD AT THE TIME) The first couple years Mom lived with us, she did not have dementia problems, but had other problems, and I had to make sure she was never alone for too long...

Then Mom started with dementia and also got physically sick, needed surgery, brought her back home with me, and then needed another surgery...I took care of her to the best of my ability for as long as I could,
but after the last hospital visit she was placed in a NH 4yrs ago...
I will be completly honest with you - I have one of the greatest husbands around, would do anything for anyone, but I'm sure there were times when he felt "left out", and not to mention, IF I HAD CONTINUED TO CARE FOR MOM IN MY HOME, what it would have done to my son...

We want to do what is best for our parents, but in the long run - WE NEVER CONSIDER WHAT IS BEST FOR US!!

If you can get help in the house with your Mom, or daycare, that would give you more "quality" time with your husband, than try if financially possible, to give that a shot first...It took me a long time to realize, "I COULD NOT BE CONSTANTLY PUTTING MY HUSBAND AND SON ON THE BACK BURNER ALL THE TIME"......

Also, atleast in my experience, when my Mom went to the NH, in the last four years, I have spent a lot of time at the NH, but since I am not able to work out of the home, it didn't take away from my family for the most part, I would visit, while my son was in school and hubby working...But even having a parent in a NH, is not easy, you still want to be a very active, big part of their lives, which requires many visits...BUT I NEVER WILL REGRET ALL MY VISITS TO THE NURSING HOME - NEVER......

I had doctors, nurses, social workers all telling me, you can't do this anymore - I admit, it took a long time to really sink in, but it did...

If you have read any of the other posts, you will see where my Mom is in her last days, and yes, here I am at the computer - I have been spending 7-10hrs a day with Mom, and even stayed the night on Friday, but I am truly at peace and comfortable with what I have done over the years, and especially the last 7months, and now the last few days...I always wanted to be with Mom the day she passes, but unless I live at the NH, that might not be possible, and who knows Mom might not even want that...

I wish you the very best, but please "LIFE IS TOO SHORT", don't let your husband feel left out.........

Take Care........Love, Donna

**P.S. THIS IS ONLY MY PERSONAL OPINION, BUT, I truly believe it is different in how long we wait to place a parent over our spouses...And even when it's apparent that our spouse really should be placed, we do ALL we can to wait till we are worn out completly...No, I don't have a spouse with AD, but my m-i-l did with my f-i-l, but his heart took him from us before his AD...And I know how hard I would fight to keep my spouse at home with me......

[This Message was Edited on 02/06/2005]
 

erauccsmom

New Member
My mom lives alone but requires a lot of assistance to do so. I am a wife and mother of a 21 year old college senior and an 18 year high school senior and a full time employee with a very demanding job. While my husband is extremely supportive of my responsibility to my mother and never complains or makes me feel bad, the pressure comes from within. I want to be a part of everything my daughter does (athletics, school related, etc) because it is coming to an end very quickly. I want to be a good wife and give attention to him but I also need to be a good daughter. I have two siblings and get very little assistance. I am torn all the time and resent that I give all and they give little. I am trying hard to come to grips with this but am not there yet. In the meantime, I will find comfort from those like you who share the pain.

Good luck to you in your struggles. I am right there with you.
Elizabeth
 

stephanie26

New Member
We have gram and gramps living with us. Grams in late mid stage, Gramps is we don't know what half the time. It is a huge juggle most of the time. I know my husband has had to help me once in awhile and for the most part he seems ok with it. He is trying to understand how this disease works. It was his idea for them to live with us because he said he never saw me I was always running to their apt several times a day on top of working. So I guess I'm lucky. He even sent me a dozen roses for Valentines Day this year(usually gets me one, which is great)he said he hoped it would make me feel better. Gram is definitely failing quick. Save yourself and your family first.

Kimmie
 

prozacplease

New Member
Hi, Kathy!

I'm 35 years old and married with 2 boys (14 and 7). I am employed full time. My father is 58 years old and has Alzheimers. My mother left him 4 years ago, so I've been taking care of him. It has been extremely difficult trying to find a balance. To make a long story short, I have placed my father in assisted living. It has helped tremendously! Rather than resenting him, I can now enjoy him. If you would like more information please contact me LDM31@hooserlink.net.

 
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